Perhaps this would've been better as a "blog" entry, I guess I need to request one of those; however, since I'm not currently setup for that I thought I'd share my experience here for the time being. That being said I apologize for the length of this - it's probably way to long, but...
It's been almost a month since I made the decision that I wanted to transition. I finally had my initial therapist appointment today (well it's after midnight, so I guess it was actually yesterday). I had narrowed my search to three therapists and had contacted one three weeks ago. While she was willing to see me, she recommended a colleague who was more experienced with gender issues than she was/is. As the one she recommended was also on my short list of three I went ahead and contacted her. Due to the July 4th holiday and subsequent vacations that were already scheduled by both of us, I wasn't able to see her until now.
I was initially - well I guess excited - to have the appointment scheduled and was looking forward to it greatly. However, as the days went by and the appointment became closer the anxiety started setting in. I had planned on going as "Madison" as that's how I see myself and who I want to be, but as late as a couple of hours before I had to leave I was wavering. I've been going out a couple of times a week as Madison for the last couple of weeks, but that was simply going to lunch or shopping in front of strangers I may never see again. I was about to go see someone who I may be seeing quite a bit of, much less sharing intimate details of my life and I didn't want to look silly.
I finally decided that my anxiety was unfounded and that the therapist wasn't there to judge how I looked so I went ahead and got dressed and headed out as such:
(And yes I know my smile probably needs work, I've never been much of a "smiler", but I'm at least trying these days. <G>). Thankfully my wife and a good friend who's also transitioning accompanied me for the drive there (it's about 40 minutes each way). Had if I had gone by myself I probably would've been on pins and needles by the time I got there, but with them along there was plenty of conversation that kept my mind off of what I was doing.
Upon arrival, there was the obligatory paperwork to complete and then we adjourned to her office. I don't know what I expected, I guess something "sterile" like a doctor's office, but it was a very nice and comfortable environment which helped ease the tension that had been building while I was filling out the paperwork. She formally introduced herself and went over her background and such. I was already fairly familiar with it from my research, but it was appreciated anyway. Then it was my turn. I thought I'd have trouble discussing myself, but she had put me at such ease that things started flowing out without a second thought. She let me give an "outline" of my life in my own terms which made it easy for me to do; however, she managed to ask enough questions about specific things to keep things on track. Now that I've had several hours to think about it, I have a greater appreciation for how she ran the session as it allowed me to get comfortable with her - we touched on plenty of things relating to gender, but she didn't press too far into anything specific if that makes sense - it was almost like a feeling out process. I'm not sure how other therapists do things, but it worked well for me. As it became time to wrap up she gave me some things to think about (such as keeping a journal and such) and we briefly discussed my long term goals - HRT and hair removal in the shorter term and eventually SRS in the longer term.
At that point the 64 dollar question was if I wanted to come back - which I did so I arranged for my next appointment. Due to the distance away we had previously discussed every other week in lieu of every week. However, I had made a scheduling "boo boo". I had planned on this appointment to be on a vacation day for work, but in my haste to arrange for the appointment I made it a week early so I wasn't actually on vacation today and had to arrange for a few hours off of work at the last minute. Due to that I was able to get my next appointment for next week and after that I'll probably start going every other week.
Walking out of the building (it's a rustic looking home that has been converted into offices for 3 or 4 therapists); I called my wife as she and my friend had went for coffee to wait for me. While I was waiting for them to come get me, I realized that I actually felt good about myself which is something I can't remember feeling in - well almost ever. I'm sure it sounds silly, but it was like the proverbial huge load had been lifted from my chest and I was actually happy for a change. I know there will almost certainly be bumps in the road along the way, but at least the start has been far better than I could've hoped for.
Madison
