Update, moving forward and regrets.

[MRH]

Hey everyone. I haven't been on here in a while I guess because all my questions had been answered and I didn't really have much else to say.
I'm now going to a gender clinic and on Wednesday it will be my third meeting with them. They told me at the beginning they usually have 3-6 initial meetings to get to know the person but they've given me 6 because I have a lot of other complex mental health issues and I think they are worried that my feelings about myself are somehow triggered by these mental health issues so they just need to be sure this is something I definitely need as opposed to some kind of delusion.

Anyway I can't really remember what my last update was on here but I've been out to my mum for probably a year now and since then I'd say the majority of my family know and they have all been really cool about it. I'd say the people I thought were gonna have the biggest reaction were actually the people who were the coolest about it all.

So anyway I decided to recently come out to everyone at college. I was going to back in October/November time I think but I held back because I was worried that I might change my mind about transitioning and coming out as male then going back as female might confuse people but I decided to go ahead and come out now.  I figured I would probably never see half those people again and because I'm taking a year out before I go to University even if I do end up with these guys at Uni they will be a year ahead of me.

So basically I didn't come out personally. I got my mentor at college to go and talk to the class about it on a day that I wasn't going to be in. So she did it for me and gave everyone some information about it and so on. Next day going into college I was really nervous and initially it felt like people were staring at me a little. People still do refer to me as "she" and by my female name but I guess I don't mind because they've all known me as female for the last 2 years so naturally they're gonna mess up. My name has been changed though on the register and on the grade sheets it now has my male name so that has made me feel a little better.

I am now filled with regret though. Not because I came out but because it took me so long to come out. I only have a few days left before I finish college and I've only been out at college for like 2/3 weeks so I haven't really had a chance to be male that much in my college environment. I regret not making a lot of friends at college because I have zero confidence when I am female and I automatically assume that no one wants to be my friend because I am female. I study games design so it's predominantly males on my course and I just felt really uncomfortable being seen as female in that environment and being treated differently for it so therefore I always avoided everyone and I didn't try to make friends because I didn't feel right.
Since coming out as male though I haven't really improved those relationships because I suppose it's too late to do so now but I have been a lot more confident and I have been talking a lot more and even though peoples attitudes towards me haven't really changed and although some of them might still see me as female I know that I can be 100% open now and I can feel good in myself and I don't really need to hide or feel ashamed.
So my biggest regret is that I didn't come out sooner because I had alienated myself and I prevented myself from getting close to people who could have potentially been really good mates.

[Hikari]

I understand totally, I think it is only natural that we push people away who we are afraid wont accept us, of course they dont understand this being Unaware of our problems leading to alienation of those around us.

I do wish that when coming out it would magically fix poor relationships that could possibly have been fine had we just been out to begin with. It doesnt seem to work that way though.

I also regret.not.trying to do things much earlier, and I regret taking as long as I have to get where i am, but i think most of us have those regrets.

In any case good luck, I think you will do just fine I have watched your confidence increase over time and I have faith in you.