Who am I?

[Devin87]

I've been thinking a lot more about this question lately, which is saying a lot for me.  I just finished one job I've been at for two years and moved across country over the weekend.  I'm in a new house with new people (family, though), just started grad school today, and will be starting a new job next week.  In addition to all that, I've got my court appearance to get my name legally changed coming up in a little over a day.

Being in a new environment and a new life situation has really got me thinking (and over-thinking, which is what I do best)-- who is Devin Scott LastName?  I don't feel like him at the moment.  I look in the mirror and I see him and I picture people calling me Devin and it's hard to imagine who he is and even harder to imagine him being me.  How will other people view him?  What qualities will he present to the world?  Will I feel like I'm playing a part my entire life (because when people do call me Devin I sometimes feel like I'm pretending or something), or will I eventually just know I'm Devin without even having to recognize it consciously?  It worries me that I'm having trouble thinking of myself as Devin days away from my legal change.  But then I try to think of myself as my female name and I'm definitely not her, either.  So who am I? 

And I don't mean in an emo teenager "I don't know who I am, so I'll go write crappy poetry" type of way.  I could get really deep here.  Are we our personalities?  Our interests?  Our jobs?  Our relationships?  Our thoughts or our feelings?  Are we the patterns in the hardwiring of the neurons in our brains?  What is it that makes me me to begin with?  Is the question of "Who is Devin" even a valid question or one able to be answered?

Just something I've been playing with with the huge decision of my legal name change combined with all these other changes right now at the very forefront of my life...

And again, I can't stress enough that I don't mean this in the emo teenager kinda way.  More in the Socrates or Hofstadter kinda way.

[EmilyElizabeth]

I'm on the other side of the fence so to speak, but I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're saying.  If you wanna talk about it further in private, feel free to message you.

Also, it may be helpful to get a therapist other than your gender therapist so you can really get to the bottom of these issues without feeling like you need to perform for a gatekeeper.

[Devin87]

Also, it may be helpful to get a therapist other than your gender therapist so you can really get to the bottom of these issues without feeling like you need to perform for a gatekeeper.

I'm not good with therapists.  I'm too metacognitive to begin with.  I'm generally very good at delving into my own thoughts, evaluating, organizing, and then acting on them.  The few times I've spoken to a counselor or therapist at the urging of family and teachers in response to various life events, it's basically been me telling them "this is what's going on, this is what I think and feel about it, this is my take on what I'm thinking and feeling about it and this is what I'm doing about it" and then they say something along the lines of "well, you seem to be working it out pretty well on your own" and then they never ask to make another appointment.

I'm just voicing my assessment of this situation at the moment.  I have utmost confidence my thoughts and feelings will work themselves out as this life event plays itself out.  I'm just trying to learn all I can from it and allow it to shape my world view as I go along for the ride.

[justmeinoz]

If you are at Uni there should be a Philosophy Department, and it sounds like that is the sort of question they deal with.  A Philosophy Club could be a casual way to approach the question. 
It is also a good way to spend time drinking beer and eating pizza, as I did tonight, just like every Wednesday night!   
I'd suggest an Existentialist might be best to talk to, as Existentialism deals with acts more than abstract concepts. 
Either way Uni is about the best place to transition.

Karen.

[Natkat]

I think we are a mix of our personalety, behaviour, expression, and indentety.
to make it short.

[Brooke777]

I do not know where you are from, but the U.S. often defines someone by what they do for a living.  I personally do not agree with this.  As what I do is just to pay the bills, it is not who I am.  Defining yourself is a complex problem.  I identify myself by my actions.  Not by what I think, or what others think.  I believe that actions speak louder than words, so what I do is who I am.  Everyone has a different way of defining themselves.  There is no right or wrong way to do this.  I think Justmeinoz made a good suggestion about using the Philosophy Department/Club at the university.  While in college I had some great conversations/debates with many philosophy professors.  I found them quite exciting, and helpful. 

[Stewie]

I DO NOT want to come off as mean here. I can honestly say I know 210% where you are coming from. But to me, you are hiding behind all this, "I'm philosophical" stuff. At the core of it, this is what I see. And you  can tell me I'm wrong because you are most certainly entitled to it. You are SCARED. You are changing your name. Whether any of us like it or not, our birth name has been there since day 1. It has been a part of us. Hate it or not. And changing it legally, is scary and makes you feel like maybe you are losing part of who you really where. Doubt is normal. It's fine! It's not like you are injecting yourself with T. You can just change your name again and it will be as if you were never Devin if you regret it that much. Again, I will stress that doubt is a normal human reaction!
As for being "too metacognitive" for a therapist...Devin, you haven't tried EVERY therapist there is in this world. And if you have a genuine problem, then there WILL be someone who is willing to help and CAN give you a new perspective on things. You said you moved across the country. Well that means new people and new therapists. Besides, if a name change freaks you out, then I imagine that starting T will do the same. So you should visit a therapist no matter how good you think you are at analyzing things lol

I'm sorry if this offended you. But I know from first-hand experience what it's like to sugar coat the truth with a bunch of crap to hide my own insecurities and make them sound less frightening. I mean, if you wanna go to a professor and ask him, "WHO AM IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IN THIS WORLD!?! WHO ARE ANY OF USSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!?" *THUNDER STRIKES IN THE BACKGROUND*...Then so be it. But I don't think that's the problem. You are the person you are. You are the person who is scared. You are the person who is going to graduate school. There is nothing complicated about it. It gets complicated when we WANT to make it complicated.

[Devin87]

I don't think I'm denying the fact that I'm scared.  It is a big change and it's logical to be a little scared of all that's involved in it.  I'll admit part of me is scared.  A big part, even.  But I think one can be both scared and philosophical and I also think that who we are as people and even what intelligence and this concept of "I' is IS a complicated thing.  People have been pondering it and debating it and writing about it since our hairy ancestors developed the sense of "I".  Hundreds of thousands of philosophers have written millions of pages on the issue.  If one chooses to look into it and ponder it (and not everyone does and that's fine), it is very complicated.  I also think it can be pondered without drama and thunder.

And I am starting on T, possibly next week (I have my appointment with the doctor to go over and sign the informed consent then and I already have my physical and my blood work done, so I'm not sure if I'll be getting my first injection at that appointment or not).  To tell you the truth, I think I'm less worried about that than I am about the name change.  I've spent more time thinking about it and preparing for it than I did for my name change, which makes sense-- it's a much bigger and more important decision.

But if I waited until I was absolutely sure of who I was to move forward with anything in my life, I'd be a tortured soul living in a cave drawing on the walls and never leaving.  I think our concept of "I" changes and evolves throughout our life.  There are just times where it's changing faster than others and, in some of us, that causes us to think about it more.

[Stewie]

People can study it all they want. But it's one of those things that will NEVER have a right answer. It is up to you to decide your purpose and who you are. And people LOVE to complicate things. My personal belief is that I don't want to complicate things further. Sometimes things just are. Who am I? I'm the person I choose to be. Whatever my choices are, etc. If it's something you enjoy doing though, then power to ya. But in my opinion, you are just complicating things for yourself. However, different strokes for different folks! Whatever floats your boat lol

[dalebert]

You do have to figure that out for yourself. My only advice would be not to rush it and don't feel pressured or get hung up on labels. Give yourself time to find yourself. That's a journey we're all taking throughout our lives. I look back on my younger self and think "Damn, that dood was clueless" and then I remember to cut myself some slack. He was a key step of me becoming who I am today and that's someone that I like a lot.

[poptart]

And I don't mean in an emo teenager "I don't know who I am, so I'll go write crappy poetry" type of way.  I could get really deep here.  Are we our personalities?  Our interests?  Our jobs?  Our relationships?  Our thoughts or our feelings?  Are we the patterns in the hardwiring of the neurons in our brains?  What is it that makes me me to begin with?  Is the question of "Who is Devin" even a valid question or one able to be answered?

I think it has to do with our consciousness.

[Kreuzfidel]

Well I don't usually like quoting things, but I couldn't resist this one from Hellboy:

"What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them."