Coming out to my wife for the second time

[Nicolette]

I think your right Felicitá and they are brave, especially if they knew they were trans and still went ahead and got married and lived a life they didn't really want. You are lucky Felicitá if you think you are more attractive than cis women. I don't have that sort of confidence even though I'm comfortable as a female and have been in transition a long time.

More attractive than SOME cis women? Erm, that isn't too difficult. I can assure you you're also more attractive than some too. Don't put yourself too down.

[AbraCadabra]

[clipped]
Why do folk put their partners through this knowing full well in 20 years time they are going to suddenly come out to their wife and kids (and in some cases the poor wife has have no idea of their intentions) and say that they are transsexual. Why put people through that trauma if you know you are TS in the beginning? I understand there are pressures but you still had that choice and you chose to get married.

I chose to get married when I was 22 ... it was the done and practical thing to do. I was in the Air Force and it afforded me quite some extra pay.
I also though the girl-friend I had was 'just fine' and not much better would come along. I also had lost my virginity to her - she had lots more experience then I did.
I was orphaned at age 12 and just busy to get on with what the heck to do next with my live.
TS?!? If you would have explained or even mentioned it - I'd have been plain dumb struck. Though in retrospect all the sign were there.
But in 1968 WHAT did we know? Never mind what did we think what was EVER anything like a possibility for us (well for me).
I had a VERY, extremely limited horizon, when looking back. Most had BTW!

Then the wife falls pregnant, not planned at all. She had though she could not have kids anymore after a VERY late and life-threatening abortion (5th month! from a previous boy friend)...
It is soooooo easy to overlook or look back and make assumptions about the past - if one was not part and parcel of this past.

Maybe --- all of you younger folks will just try and give that some consideration?

How folks in the 60s came to have SRS, is almost some sort of miracle, beyond imagination ... it sure was NEVER EVER even the SLIGHTEST consideration for most. NEVER in ones dreams! HRT, FFS, BA ... you must be JOKING. Maybe for the jet-set, no such thing for 'normal' folks.

Lastly we are speaking (I am) of growing up in post-war Germany. We walked, no questions asked EVER, - 4 - 5 km to school and back, EVERY DAY!
In the rain, the dark in winter, in summer heat, in EVERY weather on offer in Central Europe... from – 16 deg C to + 36 deg C, sow, rain, the lot. IT WAS NORMAL!
Mentioning this today, young people think you are bull-->-bleeped-<-ting, can't be, unthinkable, or what ever.
If you were not part of the situation, you can not get into the mind-set. Not really.

My 2 cents, not even sure anyone wishes even to hear it,
Axélle
PS: and IF you'd 'transition' you were the neighbourhood freak. If young enough send to a mental hospital and given electro-shock to fix you. I happen to know folks that was done to them - those brave AND desperate enough to even TRY. Food for thought?
And, Paragraph 175 of German criminal law, would make sure you go to prison for being a homosexual - for a minimum of 2 years.
Transition?! Then?! Good luck to you, YOU WERE FINISHED - before you even tried!

[kathy bottoms]

In California being trans or gay during the 1960's wasn't illegal, but for some it was a reason to be declared incompetent and sent to a mental hospital for treatment.  In the SF bay area if a person was "different" people would say they were going to be sent to Napa.  Yes, the same Napa that is now famous for fine wines.  Back then there was very little wine, and it was home to an infamous hospital and insane asylum. 

I left California for a couple years after seeing the therapist, and after returning I was surprised by the changes that started with the SF gay movement.  That eventually spread to the trans scene, but by then I had married. 

[Naturally Blonde]

TS?!? If you would have explained or even mentioned it - I'd have been plain dumb struck. Though in retrospect all the sign were there.
But in 1968 WHAT did we know? Never mind what did we think what was EVER anything like a possibility for us (well for me).
I had a VERY, extremely limited horizon, when looking back. Most had BTW!

1968? that was a long time ago! I was talking more about people who got married in the 1980's or early 1990's. A 20 year window where being TS was more widely known.

[AbraCadabra]

1968? that was a long time ago! I was talking more about people who got married in the 1980's or early 1990's. A 20 year window where being TS was more widely known.

Frankly, back in Germany from SA in the 90s (~90 – 98) other then not being locked up, being a "HOMO", who knew trans?! --- it was the ONLY difference I could tell, not being locked up.
Now again we are talking not living in some sub-culture environment SF Flower-Power, but normal bourgeoisie, middle-class.

Flower-Power in SF was long over and folks had returned to what was 'normal'. IF EVER IN THESE SETTINGS, they did ANYTHING out of the ordinary in the first place.
So, there you have my impression during the 90s close (20km) to Munich - a world city after all.
I travelled to France and the East and the North of Germany, worked in Nantes, Hamburg, Dresden, Nürnberg, etc. - NOTHING different there either.

The ONLY thing I recall having been asked to 'the back' with a women performer (Animierdame), when visiting, as a one off, a strip-show locality (Hamburg Reeperbahn, no less) – having her penis in my hand in place of a vaja (wow!). That seemed off the scales..., certainly not ANYTHING normal at all, and the word trans-...anything was never in anyone's vocabulary either.

This just for some further perspective.

Most of "us" do NOT come out of some 'highly informed' sub-culture - so we'd been pretty pain dumb-struck by our very condition.
Been by many seen gay/homosexuals and yet, as matter of fact, the MtF MINORITY is just that. Most of us lived in what may be called a "pseudo-lesbian" relationship - if we got married, etc.
Simply DID NOT KNOW... that is what I can relate from MY own situation.

Thank you for listening
Axélle

[Naturally Blonde]

I wasn't able to form a relationship to be able to get married. I found the GID made me a complete introvert and prevented me from connecting with anyone. What I'm not sure about is whether the information and knowledge of the existence of transexuality and possible "cure" was the crippling component. Thinking about it, I was crossdressing since I was 6 years old. The "guilt" of that was foremost and attempting to pretend to be a man caused great mental conflict.

My school friends thought I was gay. Ironically, I somehow triggered caring in them and only once got into a fight and they were even then prepared to defend me. There was something about me, an aura? I had the same experience in the cubs. No one ever laid a hand on me or cursed or offended me. I was a pretty boy.

The relationships I did have with women convinced me I wanted to be them and not with them. No wife, no children, my own company, my transition was probably one of the most uneventful that can be. The old self silently stood aside. My neighbours never sussed a thing. I was the new tenant. My experience stands at odds with the rest of the "community".

The courage I read here puts me to shame.

Your experiences are very much the same as mine although I hated the cubs and would never join anything like that! I also got picked on a lot and beaten, especially at school and called 'girl' all the time.