freaking out a little

[kyle_lawrence]

Its been a big couple weeks full of awesome, but now I'm starting to panic a little. About a week and a half ago I had a meeting with HR at work and then another meeting with my department managers and told everyone my plans to transition and start t. It all went super well and I ended us sending an e-mail to about 40 people (1/3 of the company) explaining everything andasking people to call me kyle and use male pronouns.    I had about 100 panic attacks on my drive to work the day the email went out.

All of my coworkers have been awwesome and ive yet to hear any negative comments other than people having trouble remembering to call me kyle. (Ive been there 2 years as female so I expected that).  My name has now been changed everywhere they can without it being legal ( basically just my time card still has my female name). Its a huge relief and I'm sooooo glad I didn't change my mind about comming out.

Then a little bit ago I was looking up information on doctors and therapists so I can start T and found a trans health clinic in my area that prescribes hormones on informed consent and had a major anxiety attack just looking at the phone number and thinking about calling. WTF!  Why is this suddenly so difficult after I had no problem telling everyone at work?

[Stewie]

It's scary no matter what. It's like coming out and telling someone you're gay. No matter how long I "accepted" myself as a lesbian, it was always scary telling someone I was gay. It's just one of those things that you never know what someone's reaction will be and it can get a little awkward. But, congrats on everything! It seems that things are fantastic!

[supremecatoverlord]

It's scary no matter what. It's like coming out and telling someone you're gay. No matter how long I "accepted" myself as a lesbian, it was always scary telling someone I was gay. It's just one of those things that you never know what someone's reaction will be and it can get a little awkward. But, congrats on everything! It seems that things are fantastic!

Except you're not a lesbian/gay if you're male, so your anxiety also could've stemmed from you perceiving yourself falsely.

[kyle_lawrence]

Thanks guys, good to hear I'm not the only one freaking out about this.

Since my meeting at work and now being male full time in just over a week my head has been all over the place. Ive wanted to cry, runaway and never come back, dance and hug people, scream from rooftops, and celebrate. Yay borderline personality disorder.

when you come out to people, even supportive people like coworkers, doctors, whatever, you're putting yourself on the line. You're taking something really big and personal and laying it out for others to decide what they'll do with it (change the name, give you T, whatever). It's scary.

This.
A doctor is the one person who can say no, and that's what makes it terrifying. There's also the cost and what my insurance might cover. I'm more afraid they will say yes and I wont be able to afford it.