So how did you Hide?

[pretty]

Well, to use my own personal experience as an illustration, I can offer you a snapshot in time from my 19th year of life, 1984.  The day that I was outed by my army psychiatrist, I saw First Sergeant Gottschalk, a grizzled old man at least 30 years older than I was at the time.  Wounded 6 times in Vietnam, Gottschalk had an intensity about him that could block out the sun.  I remember the day, I remember his face, I remember his breath, and I remember his words... He pushed me against a wall, got in my face and called me a f***ing queer.  He said, "You will never get out of my army!  I will see you dead!  I'm going to kill you, you f***ing queer!  Get out of my face, I can't stand to look at you!"  And he MEANT IT.  I went to the cops.  I went to the company priest.  I went to the battalion commander.  They all spoke words of empathy, but no one was willing to lift a finger to intervene. 

A lot has changed in the past 30 years.  Much remains the same.  Our Transgender Day of Remembrance is our annual reminder that, for many, the so-called "Gender Police" sometimes have teeth.

This is going to sound really insensitive and I'm sorry for what happened to you but I can't fathom why on earth an mtf would join the army for any reason. That sounds incredibly masochistic 

[pretty]

The ones at school.

I kind of tried to conform for a couple years in high school/first year of uni by cutting my hair shorter and wearing baggier clothes to hide my body, and my friends tried to teach me to be less girly in how I walked and talked and sat and whatnot. It didn't really succeed at making anyone think I was less gay and it was making me more miserable, so I eventually gave up on it. I could never have grown any kind of facial hair. I'd have slit my wrists first. Even growing it out enough to have it zapped off with electro made me want to claw my face off.

By the time I finished university, my "boy" presentation involved my hair in basically a lady's bob tucked behind my ears and the girliest men's clothes I could get my hands on - embroidered jeans, flowery fitted tshirts, androgynous military-style jackets, etc. I was passing as female about 10-20% of the time already without meaning to. We all figure out our own ways to cope.

Huh, interesting. Up in Canada no less??

In my subpar American college and in a night physics class full of men I got a grand total of 0 criticisms for having shiny long hair and actually even wearing women's jackets that showed off my tiny waist in the winter. Princess seams!

Actually I sat next to a gigantic probably 6' 300 lb manly man with a full beard and he confessed to me that he was jealous of how small I am! lol

I guess everyone has a different experience. Strange world. 

[Beth Andrea]

True. And many of 'them' are internalised. Those are perhaps the most fearsome and most elusive. Those internalised police that make us give an f about how we look and how we are perceived and force us to cut ourselves up and take HRT to 'fit in'. We beat ourselves up daily.

In the military, those "internalized" critics are what's called "force multipliers"...by themselves, they're not too powerful. Their real power comes in magnifying the little barbs that the "tsk tsk'ers" say.

Most people can learn to ignore the internals...some of us can't, because those internals are us.

[Beth Andrea]

This is going to sound really insensitive and I'm sorry for what happened to you but I can't fathom why on earth an mtf would join the army for any reason. That sounds incredibly masochistic 

To prove he's a man? That's probably the biggest reason I joined the USAF...to prove that I "had what it takes" to live in a man's world.

I can't say it was the worst 6 years of my life (I do have some good memories), but then again...I would not repeat it, not for a billion dollars.

[pretty]

To prove he's a man? That's probably the biggest reason I joined the USAF...to prove that I "had what it takes" to live in a man's world.

But I don't understand... as an MTF why would you want to do that 

*definitely does NOT have what it takes and no desire to try* lol

[Beth Andrea]

But I don't understand... as an MTF why would you want to do that 

*definitely does NOT have what it takes and no desire to try* lol

I don't know about the other lady, but for me it was a case of deny, deny, deny.

I wasn't even aware of trans-people until several years into the military. And even then, it was "oh look at that freaky person! Only a crazy would want his pecker cut off and "become" a woman! LOL!!"

20 years later, multiple suicide attempts, and a final, massive panic attack led me to a therapist...and about 18 months later, "I am MTF" became a reality.

It's really bad to bury things like that. But, it can be done.

[Nicolette]

I couldn't literally grow a beard. Even the word now sounds disgusting to me. What facial hair I did have I plucked out with tweezers because I couldn't stand shaving and what it did to my skin. I couldn't do anything macho. It would have looked ridiculous and cringe worthy. Apparently, I had mannerisms and movements of a ballet dancer. But I think most of my behavior was neutral. If I did hide, I wasn't very good at it.

[JohnnieRamona]

I used to have a full beard, but I've given that up- I'm still hiding to some extent behind a slacker male persona, but that's not ALL an act- I will probably be a slacker casual girl to some extent after I transition

[~RoadToTrista~]

Besides my clothes and stuff, mustache. I still have it actually, I want to shave it but something holds me back. I've been told numerous times that I look like a girl with a mustache, you can't really tell with my hairstyle but when someone or me decides to pull it back into a ponytail then it becomes apparent. It works as a closet mask pretty much, without it my face looks a lot less masculine. I'm sort of afraid of arousing suspicion I guess, lolz, normally it's a big deal when I shave because I never do it much. I can tell why too, it makes my face seem naked. >.<

[JohnnieRamona]

Lots of trans women have served in the military. I know a couple personally, actually. No shame in that game. 

[Miharu Barbie]

This is going to sound really insensitive and I'm sorry for what happened to you but I can't fathom why on earth an mtf would join the army for any reason. That sounds incredibly masochistic 

Oh Pretty!  You are so adoreable.

I don't know you, but I say this in all sincerity: My hope for you is that you live your whole life in ease and comfort.  I wish for your life to be an inspiration to future generations of transsexual children so that they might all live their lives free of strife, free of crushing confusion, and free of grief imposed on them from those who judge and condemn them.  I mean this from my heart!  I hope that your life and your transition is easier than it was for any transsexual person who ever came before you, and that those who come after you have an even easier time of it.

HUGS!
Miharu