am i transgender?

[coolsocks123]

Does this sound like im transgender to you?
Let me start by saying that ive always been a hypochondriac. Its who I am. I had never ever thought about my gender at all until I read 'not your moms trans 101'. I didn't identify with any of it, or think 'that's me'...it was more of just a blind panic.
I am 18 years old and I identify as lesbian. I have never ever been particularly girly, as in "I like pink and dresses". I don't really wear them because I don't feel comfortable in them. More a self confidence thing, I think I look fat and I hate my legs. However, ive always prided myself on being a  girl. Being different. Being one that doesn't care about hair and makeup (overly) and "omg how old do you think Angelina jolie is?" I absolutely hate it when fellow girls give girls a bad name by acting superficial and dim. I have never disliked my female body...for reasons other than typical teenage girl reasons "I think I look fat". Ive always been a big fan of my boobs, as any of my friends will tell you. I don't identify much more with girls or boys. When with girls, I feel more masculine. However when with boys..or super butch girls I feel more feminine. No desire to ~butch up~ and be like them. I feel most at home with girls like myself...lesbian/tomboy ones. I only remember thinking "I wish I was a boy" once, when I was 6 and trying on clothes. Mum got mad because I wanted pratical clothes that I could run around in hah, I don't think I wanted to BE a boy, just be able to do what they do. Ive always been a child like "just because im a girl, why cant I do this?" or "is this because im a girl?". The first time I got called Miss I got ridiculously excited, because id never been called that before. Now im trying to remember how I feel and i doubt myself. Although usually I don't notice. It feels weird being called a "woman" purely because im not old enough..in my opinion. I got offended when my friends mum likened me to a boy. I don't really wear makeup because I feel like people will look at me. Id hate the attention 'omg are you wearing make up?!' that sort of stuff.
However, ive done extensive googling on the topic of being trans. Whilst I don't identify with any of the accounts...I read things like "like most transguys, I originally thought I was a lesbian" and I have a friend who recently came out and he said that he only knew because he met another transguy. This fills me with panic. When I was 10, I was worried I was gay and ive come to accept that im not straight and now im worried that the same will be true for this. Im scared that im just in denial and that im burying my feelings and that  I "feel" like a boy. Wheras before I just felt like me. I knew I was a girl and just accepted that and carried on doing what I like to do. I don't think my life would be any better if I was a boy, or that id be happier at all for that matter.
Sorry, ive just been panicking haha. Ive previously thought I had aids..went to 2 different doctors, been worried that my feelings weren't "real", that im a pedo...im just making comparisons to my once worry that I was gay and now ive accepted it.

[Edge]

I'm confused. Why do you think you might be transgender?
lol You would like where I grew up. You would have fit right in.

[supremecatoverlord]

From what you posted, it really doesn't sound like you could be transgendered to me unless there are certain feelings about yourself you're still repressing and or are in denial of, but then again, I can't help you like a professional can.



Also, the thing about FTMs originally thinking they were lesbians tends to be a stereotype and it isn't necessarily true. Yeah, I did at one point, but also not really - I used it as temporary facade because I was too afraid to tell anyone except those I were close to who I really was. But I've known there was something "wrong" with me ever since I hit puberty and I actually didn't even need to know much about transitioning to know it was a possible option at that age for some reason - I actually understood the concept for some reason and that it was possible as young as eleven years old.

[coolsocks123]

i worry because of how...in denial i was about being a lesbian and then i just accepted it and i was beyond fine with it. To the point where i worried because i didnt want to be straight. I worry that this is the same thing.

I feel like ive started losing my identity since i read that article (cue extensive googling) and everything like that. I just feel nothingness and i think i equate that to "feeling like a boy" but then i think that im just in denial.
I know im running myself around in circles, it just feels very real.

[coolsocks123]

actually before i read 'not your moms trans 101' (which was actually an ensightful read, if you havent read it) id never really thought of gender, in relation to myself, at all. Like i knew and accepted that i was a girl...but thats it. It had no bearing on how i want to dress or whatever. Apart from periodically asking my friends if i 'sounded too manly' and things like that. Ive been that way since a child, my parents have let me do what i like. My brother got a toy kitchen and i got a remote control car. Things like that, and vice versa. 
When i look at myself in the mirror, i often wish i could look more feminine, be thinner...id be so embarassed of anything on myself that looks or even connotes masculinity. Apart from how i dress, which is all female clothes but like..tomboy. I even wear girlboxers.

The whole concept of gender really confuses my brain. I do agree that largely its a 'social construct' but then i also understand that its an individuals own sense of being and in no way am i disputing that many people feel uncomfortable in their bodies and have a terrible time with it. I cannot imagine how painful that must be.

I tihnk i more fall into the category of "too socially aware and empathetic white girl blogger with ultrasensitivity issues" hahaha. I guess i should just identify as 'me'. There is alot of pressure from every angle i find.

[Edge]

Hmm, well, if you want my advice, ignore the "social construct" thing. What do you feel? You sound quite happy being a girl and frequently say you are a girl. From what you have said, I would say you are a girl (but I am not in your head and, therefore, have no right to make assumptions).
There are as many ways to be a girl as there are girls. At the risk of sounding cliche (and being a hypocrite), be yourself. The rest will fall into place.
I've heard that the pressure from peers gets better as one gets older. I'm 24 and I have noticed it getting better. The problem is keeping from internalizing it (at least, for me).
Oh by the way, I like that article. Thank you for sharing.

[justmeinoz]

From reading your posts it sounds like you are somewhere on the lesbian end of the sexuality spectrum, but not trans as such.  Unless you feel that you are not a girl, in the innermost core of your being, even just on occaission, the chances are you are not transgendered.  That doesn't mean you have to feel like a man, or hate your body though.


Personally as there are 7 billion people in the world, I believe there are 7 billion Genders and 7 billion Sexualities.  We are all such individuals, I think we should just be happy sorting ourselves out, and not worry about others or labels.  The pity is that most people don't hold a similar  view.

Karen

[coolsocks123]

thankyou all very much for all your comments. They've been helpful Im not sure, i think its just scary to lose something that you once considered unquestionable to yourself. Ive always been so "i aint no mans property" and "independant womaaaaan!!!" hahah.

I think first and foremost i need to get my anxiety issue sorted. I most certainly cant stop dead in my tracks every time i see the symptoms of aids, hear about a peadophile, read about being straight/transgendered, hear about people who just "fell out of love".

I really appreciate all of your responses <3 lots of love and hugs.