The real me?

[PrincessKnight]

I don't know what to say. I know there's not a whole lot anyone can do for me here; I would be better off with a therapist, I know, but I can't afford one. I guess the best I can do is put my thoughts down and see if anyone has any insight...

I am physically male, early twenties, and generally out to everyone- most family included- as gay, though there are a few I haven't told yet, for certain reasons (you know how it is). But since questioning my orientation, I've started looking deeper at how I really feel, and who I really am. I've always tried to be a masculine sort, but I'm actually really effeminate sometimes (most of the time, actually). It's like I have the body and general mind of a boy, but the heart and soul of a girl, and it's really confusing me. I've always been very boyish, preferring GI-Joe to barbie, for instance, and I love games where I'm fighting and killing things to save the world, or just adventuring around. But there's always been a side that's more interested in girly things- dressing up, romance, that sort of thing, but I kept trying to deny it.

It's not that I've ever really thought of myself as a girl, but I've always hated everthing about me that was "masculine." I've never tried putting it all together until recently, though. Someone online once called me a "man" and it made me really uncomfortable. I alway hated having body hair; I always thought it was disgusting, but it's not until a few weeks ago that I got the nerve to shave my arms and legs, and my chest (I kept trying to come up with a way to justify it, until I decided I didn't need to- I didn't like it, so I'm getting rid of it). I always hated shaving my face, not because of the time and effort, but because I felt like I shouldn't need to- the fact that I had facial hair at all was always something I hated. And I can't even get a close enough shave, no matter how hard I try- I can always see the top of the hair, I can see where the hair is, so everytime I pass a mirror, I have to cover my face with my hand, and I'm sick of it. And I hate my voice. I used to think I had a higher pitch until my mother pointed out otherwise. I heard my voice on a recorder, and it was deep. I tried to convince myself it wasn't true, that my voice wasn't that deep, I've even tried to speak in a higher register. But people still confuse me for my older brother over the phone sometimes, and it just kills me that my voice is that deep. I can't even raise my voice to shout over the TV or when the cat scratches me, or I'll hear my voice and die a little inside.  I've always been jealous of girls' bodies, too. I've always thought that girls' bodies were, in a way, "cleaner" since they don't have external genitals. It's gotten to the point that I'll se a girl on the street, at the store, whatever, and I just feel so sick that I don't look anything like that.

I still live at home, so there's no privacy. My mom went to live with my sister in another state to find a job a few weeks ago. Before she left, I told her that I was starting to wonder if I should have been born a girl. She says she'll support me whichever way I decide, but I know she's worried- her last words before she left at the airport were, "I love you; don't do anything stupid." So I know I have her support, and I think my sister would be supportive too, but it's everyone else I'm worried about. No way my dad would like it, and my stepdad would take a while, I think. And my brother already hates how non-masculine I am. I'm afraid to think how he'd take it, and I'm afraid that if I do decide that I'd be better off living as a girl... I'm afraid that I'd be taking away his little brother. I'm afraid that my whole life is essentially a lie- and in order to be happy, I'll have to thrown away all my memories.

And I know that whatever happens, I'll need to see a therapist- which I probably can't do until I get a job and my insurance kicks in- probably sometime next year. Until then, all I can do is try not to loose my mind (if I haven't already) and try to learn what questions I should really be asking myself.

[Brooke777]

Thank you for sharing your story.  I think it is great that you have a family that is accepting of you being Gay.  When your mom said not to do anything stupid, she might not have even been talking about you being MTF.  It might have just been a general anything.  I know my parents have said that to me countless times, and I have said it to my son (only I don't use stupid because he is only 6).  It is great that you are in touch with your feelings, and you are starting to explore who you are. 
If you don't mind, I would like to focus on one issue at this time.  It sounds as if you live in the U.S.  If that is so, and you are considered low income, Social Services can provide you with counseling support.  If you are in school, you can always talk with the school psychologist. 

I am sorry that your brother already has issues with you being feminine.  Hopefully he will get over it.  It sounds like you already have a very good start as to what you want.  I think you are moving in the right direction. 

I know this message has not been too much help, but I am sure someone else will be able to provide some better feedback than myself.

[Sephirah]

Well, the first thing I would say is that your likes and dislikes aren't necessarily indicitive of anything. Everyone has masculine and feminine aspects to their personality, to a degree. How much each is prevalent is down to the individual, and I'm not so sure it's a whole lot to do with which gender you are (although opinions on that vary, so don't take it as gospel).

Really, the only question you have to ask yourself with regard to why you dislike parts of yourself is: why? Why do you find body hair disgusting? Why do you find your voice too deep? Why are you jealous of female bodies? The outward symptoms are quite apparent, but the cause... that isn't quite so much. You're right that a therapist will help you get to the bottom of these feelings, and maybe help you decide on a course of action. But aside from that, really you have to look inside yourself to come up with some answers. People here can give you opinions based on how they feel about themselves and whether things seem to be following a pattern, but the surest way to find out who you are is to look within yourself. Examine the way you feel when you envision different scenarios about yourself - how deep the feelings go, and whether mentally seeing yourself as male, or female, illicits certain emotional responses that go beyond something which just feels "sort of okay".

This isn't always easy to do, but maybe you can get a better idea if you find a quiet place, set aside some time, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and relax.

[PrincessKnight]

To go in order:

When my mother said not to do anything stupid, I'm pretty sure the implication was that, since this can be a really hard thing to deal with, it's really easy to feel stressed out and depressed, but don't do anything you'll regret, like drugs or self-harm like suicide.

I am pretty low-income, so I should look and see if there's any counseling available; the school's just a small technical college, so I don't think they have a therapist. But thanks for the tip.

As far as why I hate my body hair, and my voice- it's just not how I see myself. If I had to explain to someone else, I'd just say that it doesn't suit me. That's the simplest way to put it. Any picture I drew of myself in the past that was meant to be how I see myself (rather than how I actually appear in the mirror) had me with no body or facial hair. Really, there was nothing masculine about how I drew myself.

When I see myself as a male, I usually feel like I'm covered in a thin layer of dust, and could use a quick shower.
Seeing myself as a female, I usually feel happy- I prance around the house a lot, and a lot of my speech patterns, gestures, and posturing can be pretty feminine (unless I'm in public and tone it down a little), and seeing myself as a female really makes it seem more like normal than an eccentricity.

[justmeinoz]

If a therapist is out of the question there are a couple of things that can help.

  Keeping a journal of your feelings will let you look back and see if there are any changes over time.  You can ask yourself questions like whether you see yourself as a man or woman if you are having sex with a guy,  when did you first notice these feelings,  how do you relate to women, stuff like that.

Learning to meditate can help you get in touch with aspects of yourself you normally are too busy living to notice.  Asking yourself really intense questions is the way to go. Transition is a fairly drawn out process, so there will be time to investigate things fully, and there are as many stops along the way as there are people transitioning.

Karen.