Definition of insanity, and an intro

[invisible]

Its funny I got so much crap from my "friend" about not telling him I was trans, yet I feel like I'm lying much worse whenever someone at works asks "how's it going?" or some variation, and I say "fine" or some variation

EDIT: And I can't for the life of me figure out how to reply to a PM

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

You will need 15 posts and then things will open up.

[Brooke777]

Sorry Stuck.  I forgot that you need 15 posts.  You are up to 8, so just post a few more times.

[Jamie D]

I have no hope or reason to think that'll change, because I'm pretty useless. No chance to transition, no progress toward it in... ever. Were I gone, things at work might be a bit busy for a few days before I was replaced, and family might be annoyed having to arrange stuff, but after they'd be better off, and wouldn't really notice any change. I feel nothing, dead inside, there is no me. If by some miracle someone got tricked into hiring me into a position that'd pay more than squat, that I might be able to transition off of, the likelihood that I'd be able to perform that job when I can't focus enough for 30s to make a half way decent resume or cover letter or even look at job apps is pretty dismal, and that's before considering it'd still be years before I could go forward with anything and most my life would be a complete waste of time.


And apparently the verification question, "Are you human?" either takes itself seriously enough that it thinks a bot would answer "No" or it thinks a fleshy bag of mostly water is all it takes to be a person.

Stuck, everybody has value.  You, me, everybody.

I know the pain you are in.  I've been there.  You are not useless.  You are not unloved by your family.  You are not in a hopeless situation.

When I'm in a rut, I try to focus on one thing.  Just one thing.  Just one task, one accomplishment.
I want you to consider talking to someone about your despair.  That's one step you can take.

[Jamie D]

Its funny I got so much crap from my "friend" about not telling him I was trans, yet I feel like I'm lying much worse whenever someone at works asks "how's it going?" or some variation, and I say "fine" or some variation

EDIT: And I can't for the life of me figure out how to reply to a PM

Keep posting, my friend, and we'll get you to 15.

[invisible]

Stuck, everybody has value.  You, me, everybody.

Value doesn't exist without a valuer...

When I'm in a rut, I try to focus on one thing.  Just one thing.  Just one task, one accomplishment.
I want you to consider talking to someone about your despair.  That's one step you can take.

I've tried, and I haven't gotten together squat, just completely clueless and hopeless. Whats so simple for everyone else I just spin on


"Apparently" is also not an acceptable response to the verification question "Are you human?" it turns out

[Brooke777]

You are up to 9 posts.  Keep going.

Some things are harder for others.  Don't get discouraged.  I have a hard time with some things that others think are easy to do.

[Jamie D]

Value doesn't exist without a valuer...I've tried, and I haven't gotten together squat, just completely clueless and hopeless. Whats so simple for everyone else I just spin on


"Apparently" is also not an acceptable response to the verification question "Are you human?" it turns out

I value you.  I don't really know that much about you, how you identify, what your background is, where you live, or went to school.  But I still value you.  You might become my next friend here.  Before I came here, I was completely isolated from any other TG/TS.

You are sentient.  You have feelings.  You can hurt and you can be happy.   That makes you 100% fully human.

Tell me about a time you were happy.

[invisible]

I think that shouldn't be as hard to do as it is

[Devlyn]

Do you like ice cream, stuck? Hugs, Devlyn

[Brooke777]

Do you like animals?  If so, which ones?

[Jamie D]

I think that shouldn't be as hard to do as it is

Stuck, are you telling me that you've never had a happy day in your life?  Or a happy moment?

If that's the case, you are easily the strongest, most durable person I've ever met.

That tells me something about your ability to cope.  If you can cope, you can overcome your difficulties, and move forward - if you have the will to do so.

[JadeRose]

Hi Stuck,

I'm Kristen.  Welcome. 

I'm not going to insult you, or tell you I know how you feel.  I heard something yesterday that's been resonating with me, and I think it's applicable here:  "When you've met one trans person, you've met one trans person."

So while your story and life experiences have been your own, what I can say is that I've noticed some similarities in what you've written here, and some of my own experiences in life.

A part of me can't believe I'm writing a reply here, since I still get these feelings and at times feel things similar to what you seem to be feeling.  Another part of me feels that that's the reason I am writing here.

I don't know if I can offer you any advice that's pertinent to your situation.  What I can share is a viewpoint that I try to fall back on when I feel worthless...small...like a pariah...you get the idea...  I try to grasp the fact that we live in a world where there are almost 8 billion others.  I'm not the best of them, but I know I'm not the worst.  I also know that there are those within that 8 billion that can see beyond what the masses seem to brush off or allow themselves to fall victim to their own short attention spans or selfishness.

I've been going through ish lately.  Home.  Work.  Public life.  Life is great right?  It may not seem so, but when it is, it's something to savor, which I have no doubt you will do when it comes your way.  It may be difficult or impossible to see, but it will come your way.  You don't know me, so I won't ask you to trust me.  Read over what I've wrote, analyze it, and trust your own judgement.  You know it will come your way.  I know you do. 

You probably won't believe it, though I hope you do, but Jamie D is spot on when referring to your strength and ability to cope.  If Jamie D and the other respondents here can recognize that, there. are. others. that will too.  We're obviously glad you made and carried out the conscious decision to come here.  One thing I CAN say about you, is that you still have hope.  Your OP shows that.  So, with that being said, it seems to me that you are a "valuer," as you said in your post above, right?

For me, I think of myself as a big catcher's mitt...I used to catch all the hate people threw at me...and I held onto it.  I let it corrode me from the inside out.  I still do, but well, the mitt is shrinking day by day...and...I'm learning to duck!  LOL

Again, I cannot tell you what applies in your case, but based on the similar feelings and situations I've felt in the past, I think knowing that you have a friend that actually gives a ish is gonna be great.  Whether you like it or not, you've got some now!!!!!  So there! 

Now get your post count up will ya?

(((HUGS)))

~ K

[AbraCadabra]

Definition of insanity? Short and easy to read?

"Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Einstein said so, and I agree.

Are you doing the same thing over and over?

Going over these posts it sure looks that way to me.

NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO UN-STUCK YOU BUT YOURSELF.

Note: If one can not help oneself (is unwilling to) -   one   can   not   be   helped...

Notes from my blue chair,
Axélle

[Brooke777]

Good morning Stuck.  You are up to 10 posts.  5 more and you can answer my PM.  I look forward to hearing from you.

[invisible]

Stuck, are you telling me that you've never had a happy day in your life?  Or a happy moment?

If that's the case, you are easily the strongest, most durable person I've ever met.

That tells me something about your ability to cope.

Not sure I follow the connection here...

If you can cope, you can overcome your difficulties, and move forward - if you have the will to do so.

I don't want to just endure anymore... but I don't have the will or know-how to move forward.

Are you doing the same thing over and over?

Yes, its "nothing".

NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO UN-STUCK YOU BUT YOURSELF.

Note: If one can not help oneself (is unwilling to) -   one   can   not   be   helped...

Hence why things look so dim... And even if I were to unstuck myself, what are the odds that I could get through something much more complicated when I can't do simple stuff like this

"When you've met one trans person, you've met one trans person."

Sure, just like any person, you've met one, you've met one, everyone's different and people are too quick to generalize based on their own categorizations.

I've been going through ish lately.  Home.  Work.  Public life.  Life is great right?  It may not seem so, but when it is, it's something to savor, which I have no doubt you will do when it comes your way.  It may be difficult or impossible to see, but it will come your way.  You don't know me, so I won't ask you to trust me.  Read over what I've wrote, analyze it, and trust your own judgement.  You know it will come your way.  I know you do. 

My internal voice whenever I hear the "It gets better" campaign ranges between "That's sweet, but no, it doesn't" and "If only..."

You probably won't believe it, though I hope you do, but Jamie D is spot on when referring to your strength and ability to cope.  If Jamie D and the other respondents here can recognize that, there. are. others. that will too.  We're obviously glad you made and carried out the conscious decision to come here.  One thing I CAN say about you, is that you still have hope.  Your OP shows that.  So, with that being said, it seems to me that you are a "valuer," as you said in your post above, right?

I meant parallel to "Baseball card X is worth 5 bajillion dollars!" "No, it's only worth that if Person Y is willing to pay it", to blindly say I have value independent of someone valuing me isn't something I understand. As to coping, I don't want to just cope, to just be. I want something to finally go my way. I've gotten so used to never getting anything I want, I don't even know what I want anymore, let alone how to get it. I really don't think its going to happen or it can happen.

For me, I think of myself as a big catcher's mitt...I used to catch all the hate people threw at me...and I held onto it.  I let it corrode me from the inside out.  I still do, but well, the mitt is shrinking day by day...and...I'm learning to duck!  LOL

I like that analogy; I feel like (or felt like, when I had "friends") poison to everyone around me and it colors everything I see and feel, I know it, but I can't get away from it, its a snowball rolling down an infinite hill... I know even if I were able to afford transition, and if it went smoothly at all, if anything worked, that I'd still feel like that, and still see that in every interaction. Which also feels like a guarantee I wouldn't be able to transition...

Do you like ice cream, stuck? Hugs, Devlyn

I guess, but I can't afford it and can't really care about it now

Do you like animals?  If so, which ones?

In what sense? Had a dog growing up, no pets now. Don't think I could have another. I can't take care of myself let alone another. But, brown bears are pretty cool, youtube "Brutus the bear"

[Brooke777]

I am glad to hear from you.  I too like bears.  They have a huge range of emotions.  Animals can be very helpful.  Have you thought about going to the local animal shelter to just play with them?  I used to love doing that.

[Jamie D]

Stuck, you're back!  That makes me happy. 

I want to accomplish just one positive thing with you today.  I want you to think of a new screen- name, so I can change it.

One of the member told me that "Stuck" was a self-defeating screen name.  I don't think you are stuck.  I don't think you can't improve your situation, one little step at a time.

So I was thinking of alternatives:

The antonyms to "stuck" are "free" and "freed."  Those are pretty good.

Then there is "loose," but I don't think the connotation is just right. 

"Hope," or some derivation is good too.

Then, you could also focus on your transition, at the very least, your mental and emotional transition.  (I don't know which way you are going MtF or FtM, or something in between)  But emphasizing your new outlook could work.

I know you can get out of your rut.  A lot of us have been "Stuck" too.  You are not alone.

Back up to your comment, above.  My connotation was, as bad as you feel, you must be pretty strong to bear up under the weight of those feelings.  A lesser person might have crumbled.  You have persevered.  That tells me something about you  that you haven't stated.

[invisible]

I am glad to hear from you.  I too like bears.  They have a huge range of emotions.  Animals can be very helpful.  Have you thought about going to the local animal shelter to just play with them?  I used to love doing that.

No, I haven't, I don't think that's something I'd do, especially with everything else.

Stuck, you're back!  That makes me happy. 

I work most weekends, so I hadn't left, I was just early to bed and late home

I want to accomplish just one positive thing with you today.  I want you to think of a new screen- name, so I can change it.

One of the member told me that "Stuck" was a self-defeating screen name.  I don't think you are stuck.  I don't think you can't improve your situation, one little step at a time.

So I was thinking of alternatives:

The antonyms to "stuck" are "free" and "freed."  Those are pretty good.

That's some kind of depressing deja vu from those suggestions, as its reminiscent of a previous screenname, but it really doesn't fit and I don't want to go back there for a lot of reasons. As far as one step at a time, I don't seem to be able to walk...

Then there is "loose," but I don't think the connotation is just right. 

Some mixed feelings on that one >.>

Then, you could also focus on your transition, at the very least, your mental and emotional transition.  (I don't know which way you are going MtF or FtM, or something in between)  But emphasizing your new outlook could work.

Which is why I wish everything I wrote in the links hadn't been deleted. I thought just the series of them together explained so much more than I could try to put to words

Back up to your comment, above.  My connotation was, as bad as you feel, you must be pretty strong to bear up under the weight of those feelings.  A lesser person might have crumbled.  You have persevered.

No, I haven't, and thats so much of the problem. And I know it's the problem, and if I can't get it together enough to do the simple starter steps, there's no way I can do the later complicated and important steps.

[Brooke777]

Well, you have a job.  That is allot better than quite a few people in this economy.  Since you can't walk, why not crawl.  You have already started to sit up by talking to us.  Lets take the next movement together.  Please, tell us one thing that even slightly makes you happy.  Even if it is only for a split second.  There has to be something.