Been waiting to take these tests for 13 years, exploring all the possibles

[Shawn Sunshine]

Ok I finally was able to find a doctor here in Texas , that was willing to help me eliminate some possibilties or perhaps confirm them as to why I feel the way I do. I just had my blood drawn to test for any sort of intersexed condition including klinefelters syndrome since i have some symptoms of it. I am also doing a hormone test of all the hormone levels in my body, then will be in a few days testing for fertility and beyond that looking at my birth records for what my mom described as me having a hernia in my testes. The Hospital said they may not even have my records as a lot were destroyed in 1972 for some reason, but they might be in a wharehouse in missouri.


I have always known something was different about me. When I hear about other people stating they feel both male and female, this somehow seems like where i fit into the spectrum, but beyond all of that I have found 2 therapists and made an appointment to see one next week and see if i like her and she can help (I was told to be careful that there are therapists who are christians and will try and cure you, by someone here at susans.

I have no real answers yet but at least I am seeing things from a new perspective now, even when it comes to scripture in the bible. I want my therapy to help the body, mind and spirit. So having especially that Karyotype test to see if I am really XY , will be a blessing regardless of the outcome. I have Gynecomastia for sure and the doctor also thinks I may have Hypogonadism and she is of course testing all levels of all hormones. On top of this I have a condition called MicroPenis, I have never been able to properly stimulate a woman nor have I been able to have been stimulated by the act of sex. Now sure some of these things can happen on there own, but all the signs point to something. I am not nor have I ever felt like a typical male, and have often felt more female than male.

So in about a week I will have some clearer answers, and also begin to see a therapist who offers a variety of therapy, says she also offers hypnosis, which she claims will help me piece together why I feel the way i do. That seems a little strange, and I hope she is genuine, she is accredited and listed on psychology today website.

Well keep me in your prayers and thoughts please while I rock the boat for a while! I feel like all my life someone told me the sky was RED, i believed it was red and accepted it was red, cause everyone else said so! Then it is like I met someone who showed me a piece of fabric that was blue, pointed to it and said "This is BLUE" "The Sky is also this color"! And then even though 1 person told me it was blue and i could clearly see it was the same as the fabric they showed me, I got scared because people I loved and knew real well insisted It was still RED and I would pay a horrible price for accepting that it was BLUE. Its like the fog is starting to lift and i can plainly see now that indeed the sky during the day is in fact "BLUE"

[GhostTown11]

okay no offense but having taking a crapload of psych classes in uni and getting my professors opinion on hypnosis (who has a PhD) she says it is more or less gunk. Surprisingly for mood disorders electric shock therapy or ECT is VERY effective and is good for bipolar disorder and clinical depression. However, she is accredited and as long as she is nice and stays away from the hocus pocus stuff she could help you a lot.

[vlmitchell]

Hmmm... well, I'm not going to be quite as harsh as ghost but I'd generally give you the advise that I've had to internalize over the years:

Ignore the 'why' as much as you can.

Everyone feels the 'different' vibe. The 'why' is the maddening bit. Walking your own path down the road, taking the time to really think about things, letting HRT do its thing and then being open to the possibility that it's not for you (important that one) is really the best course of action. If you really want to dig with therapy, go for it but there aren't answers there... just more questions.

The most important thing for my experience was simply opening up to the certainty that I knew me but outside of that, I didn't' know sqidoo.

Right now, you're scared as hell while being super excited all at once and yearning for ANSWERS!!! God knows, I did my reading (the internet is deep and wide). At the end of the day, I'm just another girl, born with the wrong parts. Perhaps it was because of this. Perhaps it was because of that. I don't know. It really doesn't affect me when I go to work, look into my boyfriend's eyes and kiss him, cook a meal, or go play with my roller derby league. I don't think about it when I help my mother with her house or when I climb a mountain. All that matters is that I am who I am and that I take the time to find out what that means. 'Why it is' has the relevancy of asking any of the existential questions... they're interesting to think about but they'll drive you mad if you let them because there are *no* answers.

[GhostTown11]

Also, check on review for her on psychology today? Maybe go to the lgbt center and talk with other trans people who have dealt with her...

[Sephirah]

So in about a week I will have some clearer answers, and also begin to see a therapist who offers a variety of therapy, says she also offers hypnosis, which she claims will help me piece together why I feel the way i do. That seems a little strange, and I hope she is genuine, she is accredited and listed on psychology today website.

Hypnotherapy is simply putting you into an altered state of consciousness where your conscious mind and surface thoughts are subdued, kind of like being half-asleep (the 'hypno' part - named after Hypnos, the Greek god of sleep) and you get in touch with your subconscious thoughts and feelings, sometimes reliving past events and memories (the therapy part). In itself it isn't a treatment, it's a tool to allow you to discover yourself.

Don't base a decision about it on anyone's opinions of it, PhD or otherwise. Form your own rather than dismissing it out of hand. Some people have a hard time being hypnotised (interestingly, the more analytical and rigid thinking people), because they refuse to 'let go' internally. Others are much more susceptible to it.

As someone who has worked with it a lot, I would have to say it can be useful, and is a far more subtle method of exploration and understanding where our thoughts and feelings come from in order to affect change. But that's just my opinion.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I always wonder 'Why?'  But now I don't care why, I am more into the 'How".  If you feel the way you feel, then there are things you can do.

That is why the gatekeepers has us live a year in our true gender.   While I don't it is really necessary, I am still glad I went that way.  Now I truly know I was meant to be a woman.

[Shawn Sunshine]

Yes I understand that hypnosis in of itself can only open up memories, but thats quite fine! I have so many things I have buried because of abuse as a child, I would need to try any and all options to remember things better as far back as I can go.


I also am not doing these physical tests because I need some kind of scientific evidence, I am merely having them to confirm my suspicions and my moms as well and even the doctors that something is different. I have a 1 in 1000 chance of having klienfelters at the very least. Not all klienfelter people transition into something though, most seem to take testosterone and try to appear as a more manly person to feel good about there body. Somehow though this does not appeal to me at all.

Dr.Phil and Tyra Banks both had a show about transgender children, doctors on the program explaining that something happens to the fetus of the child that gives them a female or a male brain or somewhere in between of the spectrum of possibilities. This makes total sense to me. These were all done post mortem these tests, but it still helps to know. You are right though that regardless of whether I know or not, it does not change the fact I do "feel" a certain way.

Victoria you also said that the why is not important, well what about people that get cancer from smoking, for years and years people did not know "why"they were getting sick, then they found out the cigarettes where in fact the "why" and a warning was put on them. My dad died from cancer. If we never find out the why about certain things, we will not know "how" to help the situation.

I am not saying that I will get all the answers, but for me personally trying to understand why I am the way I am, taking all these tests, will allow me to accept the way I am, because then I can get to know all of me, unlocking things that I hid away, discovering truths and ruling out certain things or even confirming them, and spiritually in the bible for me to know that all of the sudden these so called clobbering versus people use,  saying that it is wrong, in fact mean something else entirely, within the context of the time 2000-4500 years ago. As is said often in GI Joe cartoons "Now I know, and knowing is half the battle"

[Jamie D]

ShawnToShawnna, no matter how the tests comeback, a weight will be taken off your shoulders that you have for so long carried.  You will remain in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you the best with the results you get.

It is just one step on the journey.  Sometimes we go forward; sometimes we go back; but we are always on the move.

[Shawn Sunshine]

ShawnToShawnna, no matter how the tests comeback, a weight will be taken off your shoulders that you have for so long carried.  You will remain in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you the best with the results you get.

It is just one step on the journey.  Sometimes we go forward; sometimes we go back; but we are always on the move.

Amen to this Jamie D ! I do feel like a giant weight has been lifted, simply because I started exploring all the possibilities, and now can explore some of the things I wanted to do 13 years ago in california, but insurance would not pay for. Now they do here in Texas and now at least a few things can become clear.

[Sephirah]

I am not saying that I will get all the answers, but for me personally trying to understand why I am the way I am, will allow me to accept the way I am, because then I can get to know all of me, unlock things that I hid away...

I have to say I really like this, and it's something I, too, personally endeavour towards. It often feels like there's no final destination, but the journey is certainly enlightening.

[vlmitchell]

Victoria you also said that the why is not important, well what about people that get cancer from smoking, for years and years people did not know "why"they were getting sick, then they found out the cigarettes where in fact the "why" and a warning was put on them. My dad died from cancer. If we never find out the why about certain things, we will not know "how" to help the situation.

I am not saying that I will get all the answers, but for me personally understanding why I am the way I am, will allow me to accept the way I am, because then I can get to know all of me, unlock things that I hid away, discover truths in the bible and know all of the sudden these so called clobbering versus people use to say what i am seeking is wrong, in fact mean something else entirely, within the context of the time 2000-4500 years ago. As is said often in GI Joe cartoons "Now I know, and knowing is half the battle"

Well babe, all I can say is good luck. I'm smarter than the average person (and I know that well enough to not be ashamed of it though it's not all that useful, truth be told) on the street by a long shot. I've read all the studies. All we've got at the moment is inconclusive evidence about what's what. The gendered brain seems to make sense but it's largely anecdotal. We've got a dimorphic cluster in our heads... but we don't know before and after because no one has died as trans and gotten their head cut on who's not had HRT. There are theories and causality matrices aplenty which give you a strong 'maybe' at best. All I can say is that I went there. If there was information to be found, trust me I know it cold. Problem is, none of it matters a hill of beans.

For your personal journey, I'm all for hypnosis. I did it with my therapist. It works well enough, I guess. Finding about you and your history (specifically all the ways you screwed yourself by suppressing yourself all those years) will suck. I cried for days at times... and unless I miss my guess, I was a lot less repressed, given what you've been saying. Find out your history that'll help a lot more than the studies and doctors and their theories (they're just theories at this point, sadly, no matter what anyone says). After that, deal with God. That's a whole 'nother ball of wax. I've got the god fortune to be atheist so I don't have to reconcile my identity with squat but, yours is the harder path by far.

If the search for hard and fast answers gives you the eventual peace of mind to just let what is be what is, that's all I can hope for you.

I'll exit here unless there are questions directed at me. I've said my piece on this topic and I'm not going to brow-beat.

Be well,
Victoria

[pretty]

Ya know, I occasionally see threads like these, and it seems like a lot of MTFs like to kind of look for signs that they may be intersex. Actually that's most of what the intersex forum is filled with.

I understand the want for like, some extra kind of legitimacy but honestly, what difference does it make? Even if you are intersex, just knowing that is not gonna change how you look or something, and it is not gonna change the physical aspect of your transition in any way, shape or form.

You're not gonna find answers in a medical condition, so if it's what you want then go with it. It seems like you're trying to find reasons to point to and tell yourself that it's okay to transition. Idk if it's religious guilt or something but you're going to find a way to rationalize it anyway so... yeah. Just go with it.

[Jamie D]

You know, pretty (and fabulous), intersex conditions are being diagnosed more often these days.  And there is so much science doesn't yet know about the brain, early fetal development, and so forth, I'd like to keep an open mind about how my being was shaped before I was even born.

Your points, however, are well taken.  We all have to deal with the here and now.

[Shawn Sunshine]

No its not guilt anymore, since I have now heard many sermons that explain all the clobbering versus.

Well if it turns out I am some other kind of intersex, (i had an operation as a baby and so far have found no records and mom said she was told it was a hernia) Then I can make peace with that, if I am not I can also make peace with that too. If I am klienfelters then at least I have an explaination as to why I don't have impressive male parts and have secondary sex characteristics of a woman. But it is very possible to have both klienfelters and be transsexual, there is no rule saying these two are exclusive of each other.

But its kind of like having a DNA Test to see who your father is, (I had 1 dad growing up and then BAM, mom says this other guy is my bio dad)
There was a time in history where we were not able to know 100% for certain who is your daddy, and what does he do (arnold voice) 

But yeah I am ok with whatever the results say, I think in fact it would be cool to be XXY , when I was taking the test and the young lady was drawing my blood , she did not know what these tests were for exactly and asked me, i gladly told her what they are and began to explain to her that humans have all sorts of chromosomal variations. She thought it was neat that a person was not necessarily XX or XY at birth. She said "wow, really? That's cool"

[A]

Well, personally, despite not having any religious factors involved, if there were a definite, credible test that would tell me the exact reason why I turned out to be the way I did, I would really want to get it. I know it wouldn't change anything in my transition.

Well, -perhaps- it would have me get another treatment/more tests in very special cases (for example, if I had an intersex condition that for some reason causes X health problem to happen often or Y organ to often flinch at age Z)... but that wouldn't really be part of my decision.

It's just that I feel much better if I know -why- about everything. I really feel bad about things if I can't understand them as much as I would like to. And even more if it's possible to know. For example, if someone tells me I have to put this recipe's dish on the top grid of the oven, not on the bottom one, I'll get annoyed, even though the most logical answer is "who cares?"

So I understand the OP's feelings. My psychiatrist made me do a karyotype test, too, "just in case", and honestly, I'm happy he did. It doesn't change anything in the world that I am simply a transsexual and don't have a genetic anomaly. But I still feel somewhat relieved to know. Ignorance is annoying, even when which answer it is doesn't have any effect.

Moreover, if I were considering sperm banking (which I am not, but anyway) it would be a very pertinent information to know whether I have a sex chromosome anomaly. Some of them cause infertility, and I'm not sure that would be something the technicians would be able to see (they don't dig as deep as the genetic material, do they?) so they might tell me my sperm is good, and when the time would come to use it, there would be no results, so I would have ended up having no results.

And in the event that the anomaly that I would have would not cause infertility, I would probably not want to bank my sperm anymore. I certainly wouldn't want to risk passing the anomaly on to my children. For whom in the world would the relatively small additional joy of having their own genetic material in their child outset a high risk of that child having a genetic anomaly that might have them go through the same things as themself? Or even worse symptoms...

PS: If that nurse doesn't know that it's possible to have genetic variations of the sex chromosomes, she seriously needs to go back to school...

[Shawn Sunshine]

Well, personally, despite not having any religious factors involved, if there were a definite, credible test that would tell me the exact reason why I turned out to be the way I did, I would really want to get it. I know it wouldn't change anything in my transition.

Well, -perhaps- it would have me get another treatment/more tests in very special cases (for example, if I had an intersex condition that for some reason causes X health problem to happen often or Y organ to often flinch at age Z)... but that wouldn't really be part of my decision.

It's just that I feel much better if I know -why- about everything. I really feel bad about things if I can't understand them as much as I would like to. And even more if it's possible to know. For example, if someone tells me I have to put this recipe's dish on the top grid of the oven, not on the bottom one, I'll get annoyed, even though the most logical answer is "who cares?"

Yep hehe there are a lot of recipes that are much easier to deal with if you know why. I tried baking cookies with wheat and white flour, and i asked my mom "why are these cookies so crumbly" she showed me then how to properly measure flour and the recipe came out perfect

So I understand the OP's feelings. My psychiatrist made me do a karyotype test, too, "just in case", and honestly, I'm happy he did. It doesn't change anything in the world that I am simply a transsexual and don't have a genetic anomaly. But I still feel somewhat relieved to know. Ignorance is annoying, even when which answer it is doesn't have any effect.

Moreover, if I were considering sperm banking (which I am not, but anyway) it would be a very pertinent information to know whether I have a sex chromosome anomaly. Some of them cause infertility, and I'm not sure that would be something the technicians would be able to see (they don't dig as deep as the genetic material, do they?) so they might tell me my sperm is good, and when the time would come to use it, there would be no results, so I would have ended up having no results.

And in the event that the anomaly that I would have would not cause infertility, I would probably not want to bank my sperm anymore. I certainly wouldn't want to risk passing the anomaly on to my children. For whom in the world would the relatively small additional joy of having their own genetic material in their child outset a high risk of that child having a genetic anomaly that might have them go through the same things as themself? Or even worse symptoms...

PS: If that nurse doesn't know that it's possible to have genetic variations of the sex chromosomes, she seriously needs to go back to school...

Ahh well she is a lab tech and draws blood all day in the lab, not sure if she is a nurse,
and people that live here are in a time warp...its 1985 

[Naturally Blonde]

When do you get your genetic Karyotype testing results? keep us posted on the results!

[Shawn Sunshine]

I should know all of my tests by June 8th and then just 1 more fertility test after that.