Another talk with my wife - Oh no!

[kathy bottoms]

Talked to my wife about the GT visit yesterday and elaborated on my trans life.  She was mad, and not just mad but the kind of mad that means she was deeply hurt.  She said I lied to her about my life by not telling her everything up front 2 months ago, and that she isn't sure what she wants from me now. 

Yes I held some stuff back in a stupid attempt to keep a little privacy to what was actually discussed with my doctors, and about the amount of estrogen I've been using.  She found out anyway and kept quiet until I opened up.  So I felt bad, and I knew there was no way to fix it.  She's also mad that the dose, and kind, of estrogen I'm using is an antagonist for breast cancer, and that I'm ignoring my mothers death from that.  And of course my sisters non-cancerous cist removals. 

No amount of apologizing or explaining will help now, and she's keeping me in limbo about our future.  And she is doing this very openly and honestly (because she said it), and all while still discussing our future projects and home improvements. 

This is just real scary.  She doesn't want to see my GT as I suggested, or or even just talk to her on the phone.  So how do I wait this out?

[Brooke777]

Kathy,
I feel for you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I know how difficult it is to wait on a spouses response and choice regarding your future. The only advice I can offer is to try and be patient, and use your friends and this site to vent your fears. If you want to vent in more detail you are welcome to PM me.  Good Luck.

[suzifrommd]

So how do I wait this out?

Hugs to you. This is one of the hardest things we go through (I know).

Advice (for what it's worth):
* Be as honest as you can from this point forward.
* Assume the best. No point in dwelling on worst-case (or even not-so-good case) scenarios.
* Keep perspective. You haven't been totally honest, but that's the extent of your transgression. Merely being transgendered is *not* a betrayal.

Good luck Kathy.

[JoanneB]

My wife often gets on my case about my lying. Lies of omission. Between feeling everything in my life was a lie/sham, little self-esteem, and avoiding the stark reality of what sort of T person I am, yeah, I sort of leave out details, if not everything. Just about everything I am not proud of. Not talking about life makes it a little more bearable.

She took my delaying telling her about seeing a therapist and joining a TG group as a major betrayal. (She was nearly suicidal during those months between her health and me having to live out of state for a job) She only cut me a little slack about her depression and me not wanting to be the straw to break the camels back.

I learned my lesson, kind of, and started telling her everything. Unfortunately that led to information overload, a lot more anxiety, and some depression over what the future may be for her. Now it's a bit of a don't ask, don't tell policy. Unless she probes I just just give big picture overviews over what's happening in my corner of the world (some 350 miles from her) Yet other times I do need her shoulder or ear when I just need to do a dump. It's upsetting for her at the time. Yet fair since I get the same from her when she needs to dump.

Any communications is good for you both. You don't want to see that shut down. Finding the right balance can be difficult. Saying someing brief after a therapist visit or group meeting is sort of required. If she wants to know she will ask. ou are fullfilling your obligation by not hiding it from her.

[Carlita]

Oh, this is so familiar ...

If I tell my wife everything that's going on in my head, all the effort I have to make to keep the dysphoria at bay, all the things I've tried to find some way to be 'normal' then ...

(a) It's incredibly upsetting for her
(b) I feel like I don't have any privacy, and
(c) It soon becomes a ****ing boring conversation! I mean, how much grief can any of us take??

But if I don't tell her, or I speak to any of the friends with whom I ever discuss any of this stuff, then she feels excluded, betrayed, left out ... all the things we all know.

The truth is, we can't win. And the reason we can't win is that we've hurt our wives as deeply as it is possible to hurt another person. We didn't mean to. We tried everything we could not to. But we've told them that the man they married isn't the man they thought he was, and doesn't want to be a man at all. That feels like we lied at the most fundamental level, conned them into loving and marrying us. And if they do love us - and my wife loves me deeply, ' sure of that - then it's impossible to understand how we can not feel that their love is enough, or how we can want to destroy the male body, face and personality that they love. Plus, it's just damn scary.

There's no right answer here. There's no simple technique to making it all work out fine. We're simply caught between living in pain for the rest of our lives, and/or inflicting pain on the people we least want to hurt.

Of all the sucky things about being TS, this may well be the suckiest ...

[kathy bottoms]

Thank you girls.  And thanks to whoever changed the subject on my post.  I know better than to use language like that, and I appologize. 

Haven't had actual depression in years and this feels catastrophic.  I know it'll pass, but I also have to explain more about this screwed up life to wife, so it's not going to go away very soon.  When I talk to her I just don't want it to sound like I'm asking her for sympathy.  And I'd never want to burden her with some of the details from my childhood that I keep deep inside for good reasons.  Those are things that I've never told anyone, but those are also the very things that shaped me and messed me up over the years.  So they are also the reasons why I hide and remain reclusive.  Then drove me to being asexual in my teens, and horibly repressed later.  Maybe the therapist will hear more about them first. 

This is just one of bad parts of life.  Too bad it has to hurt people.

Love, Kathy.

[justmeinoz]

It may not be of any help but I have found that my attitude to objecting SO's has changed a bit lately. I now have the attitude that they should be grateful they are not watching you suffer a prolonged and painful death from some disease.
You are still there, and will be a much nicer person to be around when you have sorted these issues.  Unconditional love works both ways as far as I have understood it.