Chasing Freedom and Running from Myself

[ChasingFreedom]

My name is William David, but I go by David for short. I am 21 years old, and I very recently left my girlfreind of over a year. She is an alcoholic and I am newly sober (again). I came to Susan's for many reasons, but mainly to sort out the transgender-related issues that are adding to my other problems and making my depression worse.
I haven't yet become confortable with myself as a man. I still feel bad for hurting my family, I feel guilt for what harrassment my future wife adn children will go through, I fear going to hell, I fear not being "man enough", and I have debated for over a year (ever since I stumbled upon this nice little fact) about having a child before starting HRT since I am an only child. Add that I have endometriosis, and we have a mess.
How do I become more comfortable with myself? How can a girl be comfortable with me as a man, even if my parts don't match the normal ones? What do I tell my kids when they come home beaten up or harrassed because their Daddy has a vagina? What do I do when my wife is hme alone and I am at work, and I can't stop some guy from trying to show her what a "real man" is?
I have feminine traits still, and that is partly due to the sheltered so-called childhood I had. But I will always love photography and be a helpless romantic. But because of that, will I ever be "man" enough?
I do not doubt that I am a male. My parts don't match, but I never consider myself female. I know that I want to fix my body, and I want to be a husband and father and son. I don't have doubts about that.
I only doubt the future and whether I will ever be "man enough" and whether I could put my future wife adn kids through it all.
There is a girl I am seeing, and she has dated transmen before. She has 3 kids and is amazing. But relationship feas add to my transgender fears, and then the rest of my lie piles on, and all I can do is wonder if I am man enough to do this, to live my life and not make my wife and kids go through hell.
If I ran in circles, I apologize... my thoughts are jumbled. They need to wait in line lol

[cindianna_jones]

This is why they call us dysphoric. Too much baggage and not enough life experience to see the trees in the forest. I suppose one of the great questions you are asking here is: "Will I be man enough?"

Your happiness will not depend on what others think of you. Unfortunately, this 'man enough' sentiment is wholly dependent on what others think. What do you think? You are who you are. Let that light shine. Give yourself a little time to mature in your new self. We all face corporal fears. What will he/she think of my physical deficiencies? Those potential partners who can accept you could very well be the most loving people in the world.  Think of your new body as the perfect strainer to get rid of the riffraff.

We all face these questions in one form or another. We are not alone. I watched a documentary last night about women in Pakistan that are severely disfigured by husbands throwing acid in their faces. Some of these women were left without faces. Can you imagine how difficult that might be to go on? No, the nature of our problems are not unique to the human story. That fact doesn't make it any easier for us in our journey, but it may provide some comfort if we can understand it.

The important thing is to establish confidence in your new self. Your mental image will change as you progress.

My best to you.
Cindi

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi David,


Welcome to our little family. Over 7750 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.


Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.


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One must be happy with ones self before they can make another happy.



Janet 

[ChasingFreedom]

Thank you for the advice adn warm welcome. The family reunion would definitely be huge lol
And in a way, others' opinions do affect my self image. My roomate is always commenting, whether he means to or not. I am dealing with several other problems right now, and all the while trying to get a gripp on this and when I think I do, I wonder, what man would want to have his own child before he starts shots?
Being an only child sucks.
I just don't know how to approach everything and sort i tout.

[Edge]

Sorry if I sound too blunt. The "manly" thing is something I've been struggling with a bit too. I keep having to remind myself what my own opinions are instead of taking on others.

How can a girl be comfortable with me as a man, even if my parts don't match the normal ones?

That's up to her, not you.

What do I tell my kids when they come home beaten up or harrassed because their Daddy has a vagina?

Tell them the truth: that bullies are insecure and weak and try to put other people down to make themselves feel better. And then you do whatever you think is best whether that is teaching them self defence or talking to the principal or whatever.

What do I do when my wife is home alone and I am at work, and I can't stop some guy from trying to show her what a "real man" is?

The same thing everyone else does when a psycho breaks into their home and attacks their loved ones. If someone does that (and that is a big "if") it's not because of you. It's because of them. Also, who knows. Maybe she could totally kick their butts. Maybe your future wife would feel slighted by the idea of needing a man to protect her. Maybe they would be too strong for either of you which happens to cis people as well.

I have feminine traits

So? I have yet to meet a man who doesn't have "feminine" traits.

But because of that, will I ever be "man" enough?

What do you mean by "man enough?" I've found that there are various definitions of being manly. Personally, I prefer the one where guys have healthy self esteem. If you want power and strength, I'd recommend working on that.

[ChasingFreedom]

Good points, Egde. And by "man" enough, I want to be like other "normal" guys... not afraid to get rough, knows how to defend himself, knows how to work on cars, knows how to skin a deer (poor thing but its tasty)... strong,  not too sensitive.. the usual lol

[suzifrommd]

C.F., please don't be afraid of going to Hell. You are Transgender because you were made that way. If you are concerned that God will judge you for doing what you have to do to express your true gender, understand that it was God that sent you on this journey, and would surely not punish you for it.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Good points, Egde. And by "man" enough, I want to be like other "normal" guys... not afraid to get rough, knows how to defend himself herself, knows how to work on cars, knows how to skin a deer (poor thing but its tasty)... strong,  not too sensitive.. the usual lol

Those things don't make a "man", they make a resourceful person.

[Edge]

Those things don't make a "man", they make a resourceful person.

I agree. Those things don't make a man. By all means, learn that stuff if you want though.