I just don't know which way to turn

[Carlita]

It's been a while since I started a thread - not since February last year when I was wearing a Little Black Dress, feeling great and thinking, OK, maybe THIS time I'll finally, finally take the plunge and transition ...

But I didn't.

I went back to my wife, my children, my home and my old life. And for a while it really worked. The marriage went better than it had done in years - maybe ever. We certainly had a great sex life for the only time ever. My kids - two young-adult, one teenager - stopped hating me for what they saw as deserting their mother. It was great to be home ... Because here's the thing. I've done a really great job of acting the part of a man. I've given my family a lovely home with a big garden, which I love tending and cultivating. And I love, love, love my wife and kids.

For a while, I thought that maybe this time, somehow, I'd got past dysphoria. But you don't, do you? It's impossible to get past something that is such a deep, fundamental part of who one is.

I've known I was 'different' since I was a small boy. I discovered what a transsexual was when I was 16 and thought, 'So THAT's what I've been feeling.' If I were 16 now, feeling that way, it would probably be a lot easier. I could have the transition I longed, prayed and cried for at the time. But that was the Seventies and people were so much less aware. I was seeing shrinks from the time I was 18 or 19 and I kept telling them how I felt ... and they kept telling me it was just a fantasy, it wasn't real, it would soon pass, etc ...

So I did what so many other TS men have done and made myself a kind of cliché of masculinity. Some do it by joining the military. I did it by being very successful in my career - which is creative and in many ways deeply satisfying - and, as I say, being the husband and father who provided for his family, bought the big house ... and quietly went round the bend.

And the more I did that, the harder it was to stop. I have people depending on me financially. I have children who want - and surely have a right to expect - a proper Dad. I have professional and social status, which I'd have to be nuts to give up. I walk down the street and I look like a fit, well-dressed, moderately handsome guy that everyone takes to be a perfectly normal, football-loving, beer-chugging, middle-class professional.

I've been blessed with so much that most people who weren't TS would think it was a total no-brainer. Like: You want to give all that up to do WHAAAT???

So what I'm really wondering is, are there any girls out there who've been in the same place? How did you solve your problems? Did you transition ... or have you found a way to somehow balance who you are on the inside, while keeping the male shell on the outside?

I know I can't expect anyone else to answer this question ... but what the **** am I going to do?

[vlmitchell]

Wow... that's a powerful story.

Quick advise would be to simply find a good therapist who specialized in GID and start there. That's a step before anything else at any rate so give it a whirl. It's also the least permanent of the things that you do during transition so it's likewise the safest.

[Sarah Louise]

I've been there, I made the sacrifices that were expected of me.  Do I wish I could do it over differently, Yes.

I went back and waited for my kids to graduate college.  I did transition, my wife hates it, but we have come to a compromise and still live together.  It is never easy.

[CryssL]

You know, it's always the typical thought (and I thought it too) that if transitioning is what must take place, that it has to be done all the way, or not at all.  This, however, is much further from the truth than one may think.  I don't know the level of dysphoria you feel, but I do know that regardless of what end result you'd like to see from transitioning, it will take time to get there.

Basic point, transition only as far as you need to.  Don't focus too heavily on the destination, rather much more on the journey.  You never know, along the way you might feel great and decide that as far as you may have once wanted to go, isn't really necessary any longer.

I was married and I have a young son; my ex-wife pretended to be supportive, but really was overwhelmed.  I told her I'd just take it step by step and only do what I felt was absolutely necessary to calm the dysphoria... what other choice was there?  I went to counseling and I began hormones.  For me, this alone was enough to calm a great deal of the dysphoria.  At the time, I could relatively remain looking male on the outside, or at least androgynous, and feel content on the inside.  If I had to go my whole life living that way, I feel I would have overall been content.  However, for my ex-wife, even this was too far.  Things did not work out for me and her, and ultimately I made the decision to go all the way with my transition.

Point is, if you end up only transitioning partially and both you and your family are comfortable, you lose nothing.  Unless it's been spoken, transitioning does not always mean losing the ones we love.  However, if it truly is one or the other in your situation, I feel you must decide which you feel would make you more unhappy long-term.

As for me, I did not want my wife to leave; I begged, pleaded and told her everything would stop if she'd just stay... but that's not the reality of it.  That's what a lot of us would like to have happen, but it's typically just not possible.  The dysphoria is real and ever-present, and I don't believe without transitioning to some degree, that there is a "cure" out there.  It's a tough choice, but in retrospect, I'm glad my ex-wife and I are divorced, and I'm glad I have made the choice to continue transitioning all the way.  Sure, it hurt at first, but I felt I could either hurt for a small portion of my life, or I could hurt for my entire life.  The choice, for me, was undoubtedly already made; I just couldn't see it yet.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it is all too common.  Either way, you gotta do what you feel is right, regardless of consequences.  My life is not your life, so certainly don't make a decision based off of anything I've written here.  Anyway, we're here for you.  Hang in there.

[Carlita]

Thank you all so much for your support and for sharing your experiences.

I've had a ton of therapy with people who are very well versed in GID and my situation is pretty simple. I can get the letters I need any time I want. There's no doubt that I'm an appropriate candidate. But both the people whose approval I need have made the same condition: I just have to really want to do it - unambiguously.

They can't help me with that. In the end, I'm the only one that can decide.

And if it were just down to me, I would do it - hell, I'd have done it years ago. But it's hardly fair to make my son move out of the house he's lived in all his life because I need my half of the cash to fund my procedures .. or to screw up his adolescence, right when he's got his own ->-bleeped-<- to deal with AND the pressure of exams.

On the other hand, how much of a duty does anyone have to other people? I mean, are we obliged to sacrifice our identity and fulfilment for theirs?

Or am I just using them as an excuse not to act? Because it's scary - really scary - when one has enjoyed all the advantages of being a white, straight, middle-class male to throw them all away ... no matter how messed-up I feel ...

But then I think of that LBD and ACHE for the right body to put in it ...

[Carlita]

You know, it's always the typical thought (and I thought it too) that if transitioning is what must take place, that it has to be done all the way, or not at all.  This, however, is much further from the truth than one may think.  I don't know the level of dysphoria you feel, but I do know that regardless of what end result you'd like to see from transitioning, it will take time to get there.

I meant to reply to this in the post above - sorry for doubling!

I think that one of the things that holds me back is that my very strong conviction is that I couldn't do this half-way. I'm one of the people for whom SRS would be an absolute essential aspect of transition and once I started along the line towards it - whether it was laser/electro for my beard, or quietly taking vocal lessons - I know I wouldn't stop until I was post-op.

I know this because when I have, in the past, followed therapists' suggestions to just try a little weekend feminizing, as it were, it just fees incredibly unsatisfying. I'm simply reminded of all the things I want but can't have.

So it's all or nothing at all for me ...

As for my family - your other point - my wife knows but tries to pretend we can keep going. Poor thing, she's had a LOT else to deal with in the past few years: very, very ill children, etc ...

[AbraCadabra]

Is it YOUR life  -  or THEIR life...?

It is said that the only act more selfish then transition is suicide. Maybe 'going around the bend' and ending in some asylum? I picked transition. But that's me.
And I pay/paid the price re. family... One son, two ex's... lost 'friends' and no more employment. Life goes on, and I have no regrets. There is NOTHING to regret – for me. Regret for who I am? Nope.

So, - how many of us try to have their cake (be who you really are) and eat it (enjoy the fruits of your male-guise life)?

If your GID takes to close to the edge as it was with me... the answer as to what to do becomes a LOT easier.
Only you will know how bad it is. It does come in 'waves' which is pretty well known. I was NOT prepared to live a life in misery (any more) - are you?

In some cases HRT (low level) can be the answer - CAN. In my case it was not.
I could NOT be who I am anymore in male-guise. Could NOT. Only you will know. So once again it is for you to KNOW... how much you are willing, and actually ABLE to handle.

Lastly, as you seem to confirm, and know, it keeps getting worse with age rather then go away. It doesn't.
I transitioned full time when 63! had SRS at 65! am on HRT 23 month now, having turned 66 three days ago! And I pass, and it of course helps – a lot – with me...

I mention this so you get some perspective about what I had to say.

BUT - YMMV, as we are ALL different, as SIMILAR as our issues are when all is said and done.

Now I wish you some divine inspiration for your next steps,
Axélle
PS: just read your last post, yes it was "all or nothing" for me as well as far as SRS is concerned. I had a quadruple by-pass to be able to have SRS and two brain ops just before my planned SRS due to an aneurism. "If it's the LAST thing I'll do..." was what I had to say about having SRS. Here I am

[Jamie D]

Hi Carlita.  I know what you mean.  I didn't really address my long-undiagnosed transgender issues, but I found ways to cope.

Here's my blog entry, with some comments by readers:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,120682.0.html

[bullwinklle]

I'm not in your situation (no kids, 27, unmarried), but I hope you won't mind me sharing my thoughts with you.

On the other hand, how much of a duty does anyone have to other people? I mean, are we obliged to sacrifice our identity and fulfilment for theirs?

If your kids are under 18, you have a legal and moral obligation to take care of them. Laws aside, I feel like if you give a child life, you have an obligation to care for that life until it is self-sufficient.  I don't know the state of your finances, but if pursuing transition *fully* would compromise that, I would hold off of it, or take it in more financially responsible steps (in terms of money spent).  Things like hormones, name changes, clothes, therapy, hair removal - those aren't really expensive (relative to the entire cost of transition), and you could pursue those while still taking care of your children.  You can still fully transition (all or nothing) and delay some of the more costly procedures until after your kids are old enough (or finances allow it).

As for your wife, she has reasonable expectations of you that come with being married. In that sense, you do have a "duty" to fulfill for her as part of your marriage agreement. She anticipated being married to a male for the long term, and by transitioning, you would deprive her of that. That's not to say that your marriage couldn't survive your transition or that you couldn't remain amiable with your wife.

Ultimately, I don't believe anyone has an obligation of duty to any other person. That certainly could amount to a very selfish and lonely existence, though. I think for your situation, you can find a compromise. You may feel a duty to be Dad or act out the male part for the well-being of others, but those others certainly have a duty to reciprocate and look out for your well-being - which may mean others compromising on your identity.

I have children who want - and surely have a right to expect - a proper Dad.

Even if you can't be "Dad" to your kids any more, you can still fulfill the role of "Parent". There are plenty of same-sex couples, or kids who have lost a parent, or single parents for which there is no "Dad" or no "Mom", and those kids turn out fine.

I have professional and social status, which I'd have to be nuts to give up. I walk down the street and I look like a fit, well-dressed, moderately handsome guy that everyone takes to be a perfectly normal, football-loving, beer-chugging, middle-class professional.

I've been blessed with so much that most people who weren't TS would think it was a total no-brainer. Like: You want to give all that up to do WHAAAT???

This may just be a case of the grass being greener on the other side. Outsiders might look at your situation and think it is ideal,  without knowing that the reality is hell for you. I told a friend once about being transgender, and part of her response was "you are a good-looking guy, so it's too bad to lose that." My thought was such a thing would be nice, if I wanted to be a guy! So for you, all of those blessings are blessings, only if that fits in with everything else.

I've done a really great job of acting the part of a man. 

So the question is...do you want to continue acting the part for the rest of your life? If you feel like the personal sacrifice for the benefit of those around you (wife, kids) is worth it, then that might be the route to take.

Do your kids know about your desire to transition? Another thing to consider is this: how would they feel if they learned (years from now, when you've passed on) that Dad was unhappy behind the scenes about something? As a parent, you want the best for your kids, but they want good things for you as well. They might not understand now, but when they are adults they may appreciate more what it means for you to pursue your happiness.

You really need to look at your priorities in life and figure out how transition will affect them, good or bad. Money, status, stuff - I really don't believe any of that is important. Focus on the people you care about and work with them on your transition. Good luck, and I hope some of this helps you.

[auburnAubrey]

Yes, I feel like this.... I feel EXACTLY like this... my male self had this amazing life!  amazing.  I tell myself, "it's not like Aubrey isn't going to have an amazing life.".  My job is more than fine with everything, my friends never left, and most are truly excited.. (A couple like Aubrey more than my male self.)

I tell myself, it always comes back.  ALWAYS.  Yet here I am two months away from FFS and full time, and I am paralyzed with fear.  It's like my brain can't remember a time when I was EVER feminine. (My earliest memory was when i was 4.). I sit and say "What if doing this is a mistake?", and in the same breath, say "What if NOT doing it is a mistake?".  It's a form of madness.

I have had no peace with this.  I love my female body, but hate my male face.  I cannot think about cutting my hair short again.  I realize, I don't want to go back to male, not sure if I want to be female..... And I also don't want to be in between.  What IS this madness?  Does my soul really care what gender I am?  I think it's hormonally induced depression.  Take more time, people say, yet it has been 42 years of taking my time.  42 years of doing the same thing over and over again.  I wish I would have transitioned when I was young, I think to myself.  I wish I would have had all the internet, and access to even know there were people LIKE me in the world when I was young.

And I still don't seem to have an answer.  For the longest time, I stayed male.  I grew spiritually, I became peaceful.  Then I decided to address this issue once and for all.  I realized that I am female.  Even though my male self had a great life, the best parts of me are female.  And I do know that I will have just as awesome of a life as Aubrey, yet I sit here scared to death.

Yes, I'm in your boat.  (My daughter is fully accepting though, and her mother and I weren't together very long.)  And no, sorry, I don't have any answers for you.  But maybe just knowing you're not alone in your thoughts will help a bit.  I know reading your post and replies helped me a bit.  I'm still locked in my madness, but for a few moments, I realized that it was natural, and that others feel it too.

Love and light to you.  Good luck on your journey.

[kathy bottoms]

I have a similar problem, but you are a step ahead since you tried to transition once.  With two adult sons and a grandson on the way it seems odd to want to go through this now, but I am.  Stopping may be as hard a decision as starting, but we never know if ......

I spent 20 years hiding Kathy deep inside, yet my soul is still alive.  A little crushed, but alive.

[ShawnaB]

While my situation is different from yours, there are a lot of similarities in motivation. I can't say that my transition has gone according to plan, I'm about a year behind were I'd like to be in my process, but my process is moving forward. 

Like you, I kept trying to go back to not transitioning, but something intrinsic in me makes it impossible for me not to transition. As much as I'd love to wake up tomorrow and be living the life I've always known I should be living, I know Rome wasn't built in a day either.

As was mentioned by someone else, there are things you can do to get started. I can't tell you the difference 9 months of laser made for my state of mind. 

[Adrasteia]

Thanks for sharing, all.  Not much to add, but it's comforting to read similar stories

[A]

I've just read the first post, so there's probably something I missed, but you know, nothing forces you to leave your family. You can very well transition and stay where you are. If your wife truly loves you, she should understand and either stay or not hold it against you. If you explain well and calmly and accompany her into understanding you, that is. A decent employer wouldn't fire you for that, either.

As for your children, they should accept it, really. Most children take it well, I think. And maybe they'll even be happy, to both have you back and see you happier than ever before, to know what was wrong with you and that it's going to be fixed.

[JoanneB]

Your story Carlita is soooo similar to mine. I felt this way since I was about 4. Wrote to the Erickson Educational Foundation when I was like 12 for literature after hearing about them, I think around the same time The Christine Jorgenson Story made it on the TV airwaves. Started to realize by the age of 16, between my gene pool and overabundance of T, I stood next to no chance of passing (6' 220 lbs balding). Having to face an entire lifetime of scorn and ridicule for being different, on top of what I was already getting made the decision easier to just try to fake being normal. Although I did try twice to see if maybe I can....

In the end I took the easy route, Normal. Worked fairly hard at it, wound up being very successful since I was getting paid to do something I loved (playing with electronics). Got to see the world and a good part of the USA, apparently I was great with customers. None of this I could ever believe since I was, after all, a fake. I even went as far as trying to convince myself, an others that knew about my "hobby" that I was merely a cross-dresser in need of an escape every few weeks.

Massive amounts of diversions, distractions and a touch of denials worked for about 30 years. Hitting a major pot-hole of life brought it all bubbling back to the surface. I am in my third year of working at a new job that cannot give me the same level of challenges, and recognition that kept my mind diverted and also happy. Some 350 miles away is my wife and home. So basically separated. The prospect of her being able to escape NJ anytime soon remain slim. Breaking the news to my wife 2 years ago that I need to continue going to a TG group was not easy. She is incredibly understanding. We've been together, one way or another, for over 30 years and known about me from day one. Oh yeah, she is also a post-op MTF. Nevertheless, understanding only goes so far 

All this time alone, free to experiment, a massive infusion of self-worth thanks to the TG group and some therapy, I began doing more than presenting for the monthly meeting. I describe myself now as living 3 lives. I have one as a husband back in NJ, a life as a male here, and a life as a female here. Of those 3 lives, only one makes me feel alive. A scary sign for me. Especially since passing apparently came way too easy. So much for my lifelong excuse that I can never get by as a woman.

After a few WTF freak outs, I came to about the same conclusion Cryss mentioned. Think of the journey, not the destination. (Which is also an old sailing adage). Being Joanne on weekends and evenings is something I need to do right now. Where will it lead to? I never was a transition or die type. Life sucks, get over it is more like it. What level will be needed once (or if) my wife and I are cohabiting once again? No idea. As she says, the door was opened and the cow the left the barn.

What I want, above all else, is a return to normal between my wife and I. To look forward once again to a long happy life together fulfilling all our shared hopes, wishes, and dreams. Being full-time is waaaaaaay down on my must-do list. What "Normal" will look like now is uncharted territory. Will transitioning to full-time become even more important before that day comes? I often wonder as the weeks and months pass by. The surety I will be out of a job if I do tends to counterbalance, and then some, those feelings.

Trying to strike a balance was easy provided life was running smoothly. I always had the luxury of a wife that was OK with my occasional dressing. Even the more than occasional during high stress periods (work related). It had worked for some 30 years and would have continued to if my personal circumstances did not change so radically.

This new balance point I am trying maintain is a lot harder. Each passing month adds a little more weight to tilt things more towards transition. At the very least more time presenting as Joanne and broadening my experiences being out in the real world. Outside of the very well controlled venues I started with.

[Michelle G]

I am always totally amazed at the similarity of our stories and timelines...so many of them are word for word my situation as well! it seems like only the names have been changed!

I so despise being male and always have, but the early 70's were no time for a 16yo confused "girl in a boys body" to try and explain to others what she felt, I would have been sent off to gawd knows where military school for "reprograming" or worse (conservative parents, ugh)

So I did what some of us others did...became very very good at the charade of being male enough to fool all those around us at the expense of our own peace of mind and sometimes sanity!

Failed marriges and relationships, but great careers and a good income for distraction and to keep me from being "home" to much...I felt like I was just "putting in time" pleasing others, always thinking someday its my turn!!! I even had a close co worker/friend come out at work and go thru the entire happy transition 20 years ago, I was more than understanding of course, but it was "her turn" so I never mentioned my plight at all just to be polite.

Now married again to a great girl 10 years younger, very secure in her own way, never had kids but loves my adult kids very much!

So here I am, enjoying the great company of my sisters at Susans, things are looking up and I am finally able to be "myself"!! I own my own business and customers are apointment only which helps and is good for now.

[Carlita]

Wow ... I can't believe my luck. I can't go on Susan's at home, so I had to wait till I was in my office - and it's MY office, so there's no danger of being watched over - till I could see if I'd had any replies to my posts ... and to get these ... well, it just tells me why this forum is such a lifeline.

So much understanding
So much empathy
So much support
So much thought and effort put into your replies
So much love

It's just wonderful. Every single person has made points that I'd love to pursue; everyone has aid something that has helped me, inspired me, or made me think, 'Oh I know how THAT feels!', but I actually have to do some work eventually -  - so I just want to say THANK YOU ...

It's great to have such lovely sisters ... And, of course, even greater to know that I'm not alone.

[Diane Elizabeth]

     As many of the others have said.  your story is similar to each of our own.  I did, however, try to bury everything by going into the Army.  That worked for me for the most part, but was miserable.  I didn't know what transexual was until I got out in the 90's after 20 years.    My kids are all full grown.  My daughters are estrange from me do to not being there whle they grew up.  My son is great.  He is still confused (I think) about my transitioning somewhat.  But the emotional rollercoaster you are experiencing is common. 

     As was suggested you should pursue counseling.  Keep going to it.  I can't advice you about your dilemma.  You are not me and I am not in your shoes.  If you transition then be prepared to lose it all.   That could happen.   I have been blessed with  a supportive mother and sisters as well as my son.  My daughters do not know yet ogf my transitioning.   So I wish you luck in whichever road you travel.

[Michelle G]

Carlita, yes Susan's and the amazing girls here have helped me so much that I can not even come up with the words to express how thankful I am for this forum!

Some forums are for entertainment, this one is for life!


I love my sisters and brothers here very much

[jainie marlena]

Carlita, yes Susan's and the amazing girls here have helped me so much that I can not even come up with the words to express how thankful I am for this forum!

Some forums are for entertainment, this one is for life!


I love my sisters and brothers here very much

I know I haven't wrote about myself on this topic but I read this and had to add to it at this point. I love y'all. I'm very emotional reading this. This site is for life sometimes I don't feel I would still be here if it were not for all the help, support and comfert I have gottin from here. I take you with me everywhere I go. No matter what I go through you have been with me through it. It does blow my mind how we all suffer the samethings and felt like we were alone but this whole time would lead up to this gathering together in one mind to share our sufferings and hardships. There is no telling what we can do as a whole to change things around us. again i love y'all.