I just don't know which way to turn

[Carlita]

Well, Michelle, while we're on the subject of the Dead ...

'It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare
But it's just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long long time to be gone
and a short time to be there'

So true ...

[Michelle G]

Yes, very true!

Phil Lesh wrote that to honor his dad after he was gone.

So many of their songs really have meaning! Robert Hunter, Garcia and Weir put down some amazing lyrics over the years!!

[annette]

I can't argue with a word of that ... I guess I'm just terrified, after all these years, of what I might be about to do to myself, and all those that I love ... but as you say, this is the only life I've got. I don't want to be on my deathbed wondering if I could have lived it  better, happier, more natural way ...

Just thinking, would it make sense to look for a therapist/psychologist, just to find out if you are suffering of gid?
I mean, if things are more clear, you know what direction your life has to go, or find ways to cope with it.
I hope you will find a solution for your problem

[Carlita]

Just thinking, would it make sense to look for a therapist/psychologist, just to find out if you are suffering of gid?
I mean, if things are more clear, you know what direction your life has to go, or find ways to cope with it.
I hope you will find a solution for your problem

Oh, don't worry, I have had YEARS of therapy and there;s absolutely no doubt that I have GID. As I said earlier, I can get the letters I need to start hormone/surgical treatment whenever I need them. The only demand placed on me was that I must really WANT to do it. And now I do.

I just wanted to say to janiemarlena that I completely relate to your feelings for your children. It;s a funny thing, but even when the dysphoria has been at its absolute, crippling worst I have always been a father to my kids, not some kind of second pseudo-mother. Still, I'm sure they'd prefer a dad who was actually a guy ... UNLESS transition makes me happier and more centred, because I'd like to think they'd want a happy parent more than anything - for everyone's benefit.

[Carlita]

Just a quick update. A had (another!) completely sleepless night followed by a long, sad (for her and for what it meant for us) but very honest conversation ... and I feel almost certain - more than ever before in my life - that I will start transition properly very soon.

[Sephirah]

*gives you a big, warm cyberhug*

Not gonna say anything, but I get the feeling you could use one.

[Carlita]

*gives you a big, warm cyberhug*

Not gonna say anything, but I get the feeling you could use one.

Thank you ... I love - and need! - the cyberhug and your words have already been an incredible help and inspiration xx

[Michelle G]

Just remember we are always here for you!!!   good luck wishes are being sent your way!

Bigs "hugs" as well

[Carlita]

My poor wife is completely devastated - sobbing and feeling helpless and inadequate at the thought that no matter what she does, she can never be enough. I feel terrible to be the cause of such pain. Maybe Pretty is right ... maybe people like us should never be so cruel as to try to make it as men and husbands ... Amd if we do, maybe we should  put our loved ones before ourselves and just stick it out to the end.

This is so, so hard ...

[Tanya]

Dear Carlita,

I am in a very similar situation age wise, kids etc, except that I am now divorced from my ex, but living with my girlfriend of 5 years and have started estrogen only during the last 2 years (now under Dr's  care, but without transitioning.  I have had the same conversation with a very similar reaction and I am not sure this is the same for you but I realized that my gfriend was worried that I was no longer attracted to her and will abandon her, which is not true.  This will take time, but by going slow and reinforcing that this has not changed your love and desire for your wife, she might become more accepting.  Remember that you have dealt with this issue for most of your life, but she probably has not.  Everyone needs time to adjust to a new situation.  Imagine if your wife told you that she was going to transition ftm....
I am 'out' to my girlfriend, but not to my kids since I feel they would not handle it well at this stage in their life (teenagers).   The Estrogen has had a very positive impact on my GiD.  I have no idea where this will go, but at the moment I am going to continue along this non=transitioning route and my girlfriend is getting much more used to the idea of me with my more feminine body.
I hope things will look more positive very soon!
xo
Tanya

[Carlita]

Those are very helpful words. My only problem comes under the heading of 'love and desire.' My GID doesn't affect my love for my wife, but it certainly affects my desire for her - or anyone else. That's been a problem for many, many years with me. I've always been heterosexual, in that I've always had girlfriends and wanted to have sex with them when the GID is at bay. I've never had desire for sex with a man ... as long as I was also a man. But for as long as I can recall, I've always wished I could have sex with a man ... but as a woman. I realized very, very young that I would much rather have been in the girl's position, with her body than in my position with mine.

[A]

I think you might want to do a couple therapy with your wife and see what you can do.

[Carlita]

I think you might want to do a couple therapy with your wife and see what you can do.

Good plan!

[A]

Oh, right. Since the issue revolves around sex from the looks of it, a sexologist might be best suited.

[Eva Marie]

Yes, your situation sounds very, very familiar to me. I am finding that these days i'm thinking about the same things as you are. The psuedo-male persona, the successful career, the kids, my wife, my parents, my age..... and what people would say if they knew i owned a few pairs of heels.

It is hard 

[JoanneB]

I agree that couples therapy may be of help. Or better put, as a couple therapy, with a gender therapist if you have one.

As for your inner turmoil, is there a TG support group nearby? Nearby for me is 90 miles away. They are my first ever group after 50 years of dealing with being trans and 2 attempts at seeing what transition may be like. I wasn't expecting much from it since "I knew it all". I was also an emotional wreck, my life torn asunder, and being trans a root cause for most of it. To say it has been life changing would be an understatement. The group is mainly TS's, most of whom are full-time, working towards it, or post-op. None of which gave my wife warm-fuzzies about me going.

Scheduling time with your wife to dress at home may also help. For me once a month or so was enough to keep me from going crazy for decades.

[Carlita]

I think a support group is a really excellent suggestion - and a partners' one for my wife, too, might be very useful. Right now, she feels as though she's preparing for bereavement: an absolute loss of the man she loves.

As for dressing, my feeling is that it frustrates me, more than relaxes me. When I wear a dress it feels completely natural, but it also reminds me of all the ways in which I'm not (yet) female. That said, I think the compromise towards which we may be moving - for the sake of our teenage son - is to start what you might call transition-by-stealth ... in other words doing as much as conceivably possible while still being able to maintain the exterior role and appearance of a man (eg. weight loss, voice-training, beard/body-hair removal, hair transplant, early stages of HRT). Since - as many Susan's girls can surely testify - one can go an awful long way towards full transition under those circumstances, that may make it possible for me to dress in private and feel a lot more womanly when I do it.

Meantime, I think it's time I Googled a few support groups!

[justmeinoz]

If you feel you can't fully transition immediately, perhaps you can draw up a rough agenda that will let you feel that you are at least doing something.

Karen.

[JoanneB]

It is funny that you mentioned bereavement. It is very easy to see how an SO goes through it. What is hard to realize is that many of us do to. In many ways we do kill off a part of us that has been with us a long time. I had my bout during a major WTF am I doing meltdown in December that lasted a couple of months. In my case it was guilt leading to a sense of Joanne dying in my mind. I was almost as depressed as I was when a parent died.  At next months meeting of my TG group a Bereavement Counselor is going to be our guest speaker.

[auburnAubrey]

I think a support group is a really excellent suggestion - and a partners' one for my wife, too, might be very useful. Right now, she feels as though she's preparing for bereavement: an absolute loss of the man she loves.

As for dressing, my feeling is that it frustrates me, more than relaxes me. When I wear a dress it feels completely natural, but it also reminds me of all the ways in which I'm not (yet) female. That said, I think the compromise towards which we may be moving - for the sake of our teenage son - is to start what you might call transition-by-stealth ... in other words doing as much as conceivably possible while still being able to maintain the exterior role and appearance of a man (eg. weight loss, voice-training, beard/body-hair removal, hair transplant, early stages of HRT). Since - as many Susan's girls can surely testify - one can go an awful long way towards full transition under those circumstances, that may make it possible for me to dress in private and feel a lot more womanly when I do it.

Meantime, I think it's time I Googled a few support groups!

One thing I wish I would have done differently (If I had the mindset to do this) would have been to "be" Aubrey more often before this point.  I seem to be lost in the state of "Who is this person?"...... not seemingly able to make the connection that it is just ME.  As my therapist said today, "stop focusing on the fact that you are changing your gender.  You are just becoming congruent with yourself." 

Somehow, I really separated my male self and female self... so much so that my brain is trying to make sense of me "becoming" someone else.  I'm not.  I'm just me... but I never fully let her live, or develop.  Because of that, it seems this is a much bigger step than it needs to be.