First of all, I am sorry for my bad English, I'm not from an English speaking country.
The latest weeks I have been starting to feel that my mind (maybe) is female unlike my body and I have not been able to think about anything else since this started (I have been thinking about it during a long time but some weeks ago it just exploded). I have done some (not so reliable) tests and according to them I am extremely feminine. Every person I am (secretly) looking up to is female and something feels wrong when I am being called a man. I hate when people are telling me things like "You are a grown man now, act like one and take some responsibility", "Be confident, you are a smart, good looking guy with a good sense of humor" or telling me how big I am to make me feel better or just calling me "man". At those times I just want to say "I am not a man".
I have never been able to understand this need and pride of being manly. When my cousins and brothers talked about manliness at the start of puberty I felt that manly was the last thing I wanted to be. I have always hated (male) hygiene products and cloths. I hated the development of my body during puberty, especially the body hair and the beard and just felt extremely embarrassed. I have hated my voice and being called my name for as long as I can remember. When other people are talking about me it feels like they are talking about someone else who I dislike. When I am singing I am trying to sound like a girl without thinking about it. I don't know if I am faking it in some way but sometimes at the morning when I am up early, are confused and are not wearing any shirt I want to hide my (non-existing) breasts. A couple of weeks ago my teacher mistakenly called me girl and I did not notice until someone told me and then I just felt happy and exhilarated rather than the opposite.
Usually I am feeling ashamed of my existence, can't look people straight in the eyes, am constantly feeling awkward and just feeling like a complete idiot who does not know anything. I am always feeling tired, shy, frustrated, extremely awkward, nervous and grouchy. When I am wearing female cloths I feel happy, loving, extremely harmonic and calm, proud and exuberant. But it is hard to know for sure, the only things I have been able to test are panties, a bra and some jeans turned into a jeans skirt.
I dumped most of my friends a couple of years ago because they were ass holes like most guys. I did not fit in since we were like 12 years old (I'm 19 now) and did not understand them and their malice, general unkindness and nasty jokes. Except from some shy guys in my class I feel more relaxed being with the girls in my class. I don't know if they just are more tolerant with idiots (like me) or if it is something else. At the moment I don't have motivation to do anything except from gaming (WoW and Diablo) and are too embarrassed of myself to get a job.
The strange thing about all of this is that I hated girls when I was a younger, I have no serious problems being called "he", I have never felt any hate towards any part of my body, sometimes I don't recognize those female feelings and I only had a few female friends when I was young. The only times when I am acting like a girl (as far as I know) are during the sports class in school, when some scary insect or fish gets close to me and when I'm fighting (like a girl) and always crying afterwards. Sometimes I want to cry during movies. Except from that I am always afraid of hurting or making people feel bad.
Maybe I am just faking all of this, I don't know. How do I find out?
I will probably try to buy some female cloths when I am home alone during some parts of the summer but that is like in August and I can't wait or think of anything else. At the moment I am completely sure that my mind is female but that will probably change within a couple of hours... It feels like some part of my mind is screaming and screaming that I'm a girl and some other part is telling me that that is ridiculous.
