Help with coming out to my church

[Clarity]

The fear of coming out to my church has been on my mind a lot today, so I thought I would seek some more advice on here. I already received some good advice from a friend who is going through seminary about this. Basically, he said to talk first to the pastor in private to find out if he is supportive. He said to mention what is going on and ask if the pastor would support me and if the congregation would support me. If any answer to my questions is no, I should leave the church immediately.

I'm first trying to work up the courage to ask about these things. I'm also trying to figure out when the best time is to do this. I'm still pre-transition, so I figure that I can wait until up to the point where I start transitioning. I have another week before my first therapy appointment which means I have at least 3 months before I start taking hormones. Am I right to wait until I start hormones to have this discussion or should I do it as soon as possible to know right away if it is going to be against my best interests to stick to my current church (which is Methodist, in case that information could help with any advice).

I've also been very afraid of the reaction that I will receive from the religious community when I come out publicly as trans. I've been fortunate so far in finding support from my closest friends but I really fear losing my church community. Also, the fact that I play piano for the church could make this extra difficult. I'm someone who the congregation looks up to and I really fear the worst possible reaction out of this ordeal. Also, music has always been a part of me which I don't ever want to have to give up. No, I can't keep a piano in my apartment  .

I'm also afraid that even though I already have support through this that I'm going to take the first amount of condemnation very personally. I struggled for years with accepting myself as being trans, often praying that God would take these feelings away from me because I felt like an abomination.

[Sarah Louise]

Some Churches are fine with this, others will react poorly.  No matter how your Pastor reacts, just remember, your salvation is from Jesus, not your local pastor.

Check online at the main Methodist website there might be information there about Church policy on this issue.  I would suggest doing that first, once you speak to your local Pastor there is no going back if he reacts poorly.

[Clarity]

From what I've found, the UMC views on LGBT vary between congregations. I just did some research and found a website with links to LGBT friendly Methodist churches. I found one that is actually closer to me than my current church that states on their site that they welcome all sexual orientations and gender identities. I still play in the music groups for my current church, so it doesn't seem like it will be as simple as changing the church I attend one Sunday. I'm wondering if I could get out of having to come out to my current congregation and simply let the music director know that I'm looking into a church that is closer to where I live. I could maybe give them a couple weeks to a few months before my last Sunday at my current location. I'm sure that if I let the music director at the church I'm currently looking into know about my talents they may look into letting me share them at the church.

[Clarity]

I'm bringing this back up since I'm very nervous about how telling my church will go. Basically, all the information I've found on United Methodist views of LGBT has been fairly meh. I'm feeling that there is a very low chance my congregation will be accepting considering that it is mostly older folks. I know I'm supposed to talk to the pastor in private, but I'm not sure how exactly to word the conversation. Even at that, how do I trust that the conversation won't get out to anyone else and that I won't start receiving nasty letters? Plus, with playing music for the church, I feel it's wrong to them if I just suddenly quit one Sunday without advanced notice.

I'm really considering taking the easy way out on this one. It will be way easier to give them a month's notice at the end of December that I will be changing churches and will no longer be the church pianist. I can then switch to a church I know to be accepting right before starting my transition. I just got done arguing with a friend over this. He basically said that I need to give them a chance and that I'm being judgmental of others by assuming that the congregation will condemn me. I'm actually quite afraid to even chance seeing that nasty side of the church.

[Stephe]

I'm bringing this back up since I'm very nervous about how telling my church will go. Basically, all the information I've found on United Methodist views of LGBT has been fairly meh. I'm feeling that there is a very low chance my congregation will be accepting considering that it is mostly older folks. I know I'm supposed to talk to the pastor in private, but I'm not sure how exactly to word the conversation. Even at that, how do I trust that the conversation won't get out to anyone else and that I won't start receiving nasty letters? Plus, with playing music for the church, I feel it's wrong to them if I just suddenly quit one Sunday without advanced notice.

My Presbyterian church is 90% old people (65+) and they all love me. They asked me to be an elder and I was ordained and now am in charge of finance + the buildings and grounds. I didn't "come out" there and was living full time when I joined this church but don't assume old people won't accept this. As far as talking to the pastor, simply say "I am transgendered and am going to transition soon, is that a problem for me here at this church?"  He will NOT spread something talked to him in confidence and if he did, honestly I would report this to higher up people in the church as he is NOT supposed to do that. They would likely remove him as the pastor if he was spreading rumors and he should be.

Anyway, if he isn't kind, loving and supportive, they don't deserve you being there and there ARE kind and loving churches out there, I know because mine is If he does react badly, just give them say 2 weeks to find someone else and leave.

[Dana_H]

My Presbyterian church is 90% old people (65+) and they all love me. They asked me to be an elder and I was ordained and now am in charge of finance + the buildings and grounds. I didn't "come out" there and was living full time when I joined this church but don't assume old people won't accept this. As far as talking to the pastor, simply say "I am transgendered and am going to transition soon, is that a problem for me here at this church?"  He will NOT spread something talked to him in confidence and if he did, honestly I would report this to higher up people in the church as he is NOT supposed to do that. They would likely remove him as the pastor if he was spreading rumors and he should be.

Anyway, if he isn't kind, loving and supportive, they don't deserve you being there and there ARE kind and loving churches out there, I know because mine is If he does react badly, just give them say 2 weeks to find someone else and leave.

Exactly. Your pastor and/or congregation do not necessarily have to approve of your transition if it goes against their beliefs, but they should at least be able to treat you with brotherly/sisterly love and basic respect for your gender identity and for you as a person. If not, I would question whether that is really a loving and caring church. After all, the path of Jesus is the path of love and compassion, is it not?

Best of luck. I hope things work out for you either at your current church or at another one.