Forgiving Oneself

[Constance]

Last summer, the associate pastor at my church led a workshop on forgiveness: what it means to forgive, what it means to be forgiven, how to ask for forgiveness, how to forgive. Pretty much that whole workshop revolved around the idea that the Forgiver and the Forgiven were two different people.

I just got home from a meeting with said pastor with this question: What if the one who needs forgiveness is the same person as the one to needs to forgive? In other words, how does one forgive oneself?

I am still haunted by a betrayal I perpetrated in 1997. I am uncertain at this time if the one I betrayed has forgiven me, but I mostly certainly haven't. This betrayal had inspired suicidal ideation, that I could be so self-absorbed to neglect a loved one in the way that I did. The shame and guilt was overwhelming.

This meeting with my pastor was very productive. I can't say I've forgive myself yet, but I'm getting closer.

I noticed as I was describing my situation to her, I began swearing. I mentioned, "I'm even talking like David," my former self. She observed that this betrayal was, in a way, done by David so maybe David & Connie should talk it out. She had me moving back and forth between 2 chairs and talking to myself. It was actually quite effective. Connie explained to David that this shame and guilt is killing us and David explained to Connie why forgiveness is necessary.

By the end of the meeting, Connie promised not to kill David, and David promised to give Connie time to forgive.

I haven't forgiven myself yet, but I have a better understanding of the shame and guilt I've been harboring against myself since '97. We're on the road to forgiveness together. We aren't there yet, but we're working on it.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Interesting concept, Connie.

"John" and I have had conversations.  Not so much on the forgiveness issue, but in times of stress and self-doubt, we have discussed transition.  I am surprised that that "he" is one of my biggest supporters.

Is it strange to have these discussions with ones self?

[Constance]

Is it strange to have these discussions with ones self?

It was a little strange at first, but it really seemed to work. It was like my pastor was leading a therapy session between two people, even though they were both me.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I can see how it would.  After all they are two sides to a story.  Win-win.

[AbraCadabra]

Without getting into any of the specific details, which is not really required, self-forgiveness is in my personal experience most often more difficult than to forgive others.

It is in my experience again something very similar - if not the same process as self-exorcism, i.e. exorcising one's GUILT.

Without having first been exorcised or having truly forgiven others, YOU WILL BE STUCK with your guild. Un-forgiveness toward others will create a lock-jam - and a LOCK-JAM of some proportions! I know!

Now, being past the first obstacle forgiving others ... again in my experience we need some support.
Jesus said: "If you ask - you shall be given..." something to that effect and that is how it works in my experience and BTW others' experience also.
I really can NOT speak outside the Christian context.
I'm sure there will be ways... must be ways, in other believe systems...

In the OP it sounds that there is no shortage of repentance, also a prerequisite to self-forgiveness, as in the Christian context believe in Jesus Christ as one's personal saviour.
Now to some this might sound all awfully religious, spooky and maybe even over the top, but there you are.
You next go into prayer and ASK VERY CLEARLY about HELP to forgive yourself and in some instances there will be some VERY HEAVY reactions coming about.
Go with the flow, you WILL NOT BE FORESAKEN! - THAT is a promise and it will be kept.
Guilt based on FEAR will be the POWER that will prevent you to forgive yourself. That is the 'mechanism' and it is 'spiritual support' that will help you to overcome this fear.
There will be a truck-load of pain coming down on you in the process, but you will come out just fine on the other side.

I hope this makes sense, I been there, I ONLY speak from my own experience and those I had the honour to help counsel, but all that was simply created by the help of the Holy Spirit.

Now bless you,
Axélle

[Constance]

Axélle, you pretty much nailed it and said much of what my pastor did, too.

Yeah, forgiving others is much easier than forgiving oneself.

There's definitely more work to be done. Connie is mad at David for allowing this betrayal to happen, and David is mad a Connie for breaking up his marriage. So, yeah, the Pain Truck will be coming by I have no doubt about that.

But, my pastors, therapist, Zen teacher, and this place all help make that pain easier to process.