Good Morning (here anyway) and thank you all for such a warm welcome!
It is one of my dearest hopes to visit Aussie land, always has been.
A bit more about me.
I'm in my late 50's, had a successful military career as a Nurse Corps Officer. About 20 years ago I began to experience intermittent depression which worsened each time. For the past 7 years I have been seeing the same counselor as needed when the depression visited.
Earlier this year, during a hiatus from counselling, and as I was beginning to spiral down the black hole of moroseness yet again, one afternoon after work I began to cry and like there was another voice in the room, I burst out "I am a woman!". The flood of raw emotion that followed was completely exhausting, but resolved into a period of peace and tranquility like I've never felt before. It was the most powerful, personal emotional experience I've ever felt.
As I recovered, flashes of long forgotten (suppressed I later realized) memories began to emerge. As more and more memories became clear, I started to connect the dots and see a pattern develop that brings new context and understanding to a number of dynamics, decisions and feelings I've experienced through out my life. What followed was a torrent of questions without answers, answers without questions, confusion, happiness and elation, anxiety, fear and uncertainty. But, no shame, no guilt, just a very firm sense of spiritual completeness - finally.
I made an appt with my counselor and have been working hard for the past four months to sort through everything. I am very fortunate to have a counselor who knows me so very well, that I trust with my life, and, has gender experience.
Coming to terms and accepting my new understanding of self happened quickly and easily. It explained so many things across my lifetime.
I came out to my wife in late March, which was initially very hard for both of us. She listened, we cried, we talked, we cried... We have worked through a lot, and she now understands that this is not about me not wanting her, I'm not gay, I'm not going to leave her - all the questions a spouse asks.
Fast forward 3 months to now. I continue to see my counselor, my wife and I are seeing a couples counselor, and next week my wife sees an individual counselor.
At the moment, I am learning about myself. There are distinct differences between my male and female persona - I can't really say "I'm the same person inside", though we share the important values and views about life.
Full transition doesn't seem to be a strong driver for me, I'm somewhere in between the two ends of the spectrum. There is much about my male life that is wonderful and very important to me. Family, including a 2 year old grandson who adores his Grampa. Physical - I have MPB and don't appear to have sufficient donor hair to fully cover. Not an insurmountable issue, but an issue. In my early adult years, I had a gynocomastectomy on one side, so would need breast reconstruction before hormones and/or augmentation. Not sure I want to go through all these preliminaries before I would ever get to the more extensive operations.
Things I have control over and can change: Beard - I had my first laser treatment 3 weeks ago and had a great first response, I can already skip a day shaving without showing a shadow. Weight loss - 17# lost in the past two months and still making progress. Improving physical fitness - an ever challenging thing for me. Educating myself about trans-ness, and incorporating that knowledge into my growing sense of self.
I am gradually unlearning old behaviors and learning new ones, mental, emotional and physical. I have a different outlook on the world, much more patient, understanding, and I hope, loving.
My wife is wonderful. She helped me with my first awkward efforts at make up, clothing, behavior, etc. I know at times it is difficult for her, especially when I go out. She is not ready to go out with me as she is well known and recognized by many in our community. I respect that. As I continue to expand when and how I express myself, we take it slow, talk a lot, compromise with each other and help each other adapt. Sometimes in my exuberance and euphoria, I get caught up in the excitement, and she pulls me back to reality - doesn't stop me, just helps me think through what ever my latest obsession is.
While I am now comfortable enough with my appearance and presentation to go out by myself. I know I don't pass, don't expect to yet, but the reality is that most people seem to not notice, don't care, or are too polite or respectful to react if they do notice. I've interacted with retail staff and to a person, they have responded to me professionally and respectfully. I know the future will not always be that way, but then, I encounter unpleasant people when dressed as a guy. Safety is always one of the most important considerations when ever I contemplate going out as Danette.
I have started attending a Transgender support group which is proving to be very helpful and reassuring. One of the longer term members is hosting a BBQ in a few weeks, and both my wife and I are attending. It will be her first encounter with fully transitioned women, and first with spouses of the same. She is incredibly courageous.
That is my story in a nutshell, and quite enough for now. If you've been able to read this far, thank you.
I look forward to getting to know all of you!
Danette
