The Most Difficult Parts of Not Being Able To Transition?

[AlexD]

Thanks for the measured response, Elspeth. I realise that the views of a minority group and the doubts of a single newbie aren't very likely to shatter the accepted wisdom on gender that's been compiled by a much larger number of more rational people. It was silly of me to seek out that blog when I really should have known I was deliberately rubbing salt into a wound. My doubts are still pretty real, though. I'm terrified that when I see a therapist about this, he or she will tell me that my brain sex was female all along. I'm hardly the "I knew since I was 5" sort, after all.

I'm think I'm derailing this thread, haha. Sorry.

[Elspeth]

My doubts are still pretty real, though. I'm terrified that when I see a therapist about this, he or she will tell me that my brain sex was female all along. I'm hardly the "I knew since I was 5" sort, after all.

I'm think I'm derailing this thread, haha. Sorry.

I don't think you're derailing anything. FWIW, my son, though he's blissfully far more free of doubts (and radfem baggage) than I am, is not exactly in the "known since 5" camp either, but, while I see myself that way, when I first spoke to a therapist I was a lot more circumspect. And it did take me a few years, in fact, before I had to point out some of the things that I allowed him to imagine were true for me, that I realized I was saying to seek his approval (as a gay man... the therapist, not me).

One factor for both of us is that neither of us are the typical "straight" transsexuals that are still the textbook examples. I was strongly lesbian identified... my college advisor was a founder of the women's studies program at my college, a college that now is often said to be about 25% lesbian, 25% gay and some significant % trans. My son also identifies as queer, though he was seen as lesbian in high school, and took two different women to junior and senior proms. (Somewhat predictably, my ex is far more at ease with his former lesbian identity (even though he was persistently resistant to using the term, in part because he was struggling with coming out, and at the time, while the signs were pretty obvious, I was also not entirely out with him until fairly recently, much to my regret and perhaps even shame -- I had gone through a long depression that was amplified by my choice to follow bad advice and conceal myself to some degree from my children, on the misguided assumption that they were at an age when I was ready to come out where they might deal with it badly -- the baddest part was taking advice from a normative gay male therapist, in retrospect, though I probably did a lot to overinterpret his advice and do damage to myself that he hadn't meant to encourage?)

I think in many cases, it is understandable that some of us do not openly ID as trans so early, especially if it's complicated by other issues too? For my son it may have been that he had a model of a non-conforming "dad" that might have affected his own ideas about what a man is. I really do hope in some ways that I am not his model for manhood. We really haven't examined that in detail.

What I do know is that I've met his gender therapist, and she's on board with and doesn't seem to even question his trans identity. Then again, he went to her with a definite agenda in mind, since he really wants some form of top surgery (at the very least breast reduction) before he starts college this fall. Unless she is having some kind of unethical backdoor comms with my ex, which I have no real reason to suspect, his therapist is on board with his identity and sense of focus on what he needs and wants. I'm sure there may be some other things she will focus on with him as their relationship develops, but bargaining over his identity is not a part of it, and probably shouldn't be for someone acting responsibly.

I can't say I'm sure my former therapist was doing that, and he's no longer practicing at all, so the issue is moot, apart from time and money wasted engaged in what felt like a negotiation. Granted, it did leave me with many more insights, and ultimately a clearer sense of my identity, and of what I want, versus what I'm likely to be able to get in this lifetime.

[King Malachite]

I'm think I'm derailing this thread, haha. Sorry.

No need to say sorry.  By all means share your thoughts!  Besides, you could be talking about cats and I wouldn't notice.


Oh and thanks@Felix.  I'm glad I'm only seen as male here at least.  I just wish other people could see that.  I would be a lot more confident in that case.

[Emily Aster]

Remembering to switch genders before I go visit someone I'm not out to. Can't tell you how many times I've been halfway down the road before I realized I was still wearing makeup and a dress.

[Donna Elvira]

Very interesting thread which immediately caught my attention. Haven taken almost 50 years to finally do something about a gender identity disorder I have been aware of since my earliest childhood memories , which lead to a most lonely and unhappy adolescence, running away from home and country at age 18, a distasterous first mariage...I have come a very long way since.
I started HRT in 2008, did a very complete and pretty successful FFS in two steps during  summers 2011 et 2012, hair transplants last Dec, permanent beard removal  and coming out to everyone that counts in my life since summer 2011. Following last summer's FFS, with the agreement of my employer, I started to live almost 100% female, the only exception being when I was outside working with clients. It was brilliant and for a few weeks I was happier than at any time in my life. Then the bomb fell.  Using a story about a problem I was supposed to have encounterd with a client a full  5 months earlier, which had never been mentioned prior to that, I was told I could no longer continue working in the Management Consulting firm I then worked for and was being let go.
The return to earth was absolutely devastating  and at age 55, I felt that my life was finally coming to an end. Fortunately, the mission I was then working on was going very well and the client in question had a very interesting position to fill which I applied for and got. So the good bit is that I still have a very good job, one that I even prefer to what I was doing before.
In spite of my now very femine appearance, which even  includes a pony tail and has me been called Madame quite often by third parties, even when wearing a man's suit, nobody in my new job was initially aware of what I have been doing. However since I started, both out of a deep need to stop hiding and also to avoid any potential issues about breach of trust,I have come out to the HR manager and my boss. They both gave me a very sympathetic hearing but my boss also made it clear that for a whole load of reasons, he thought it would  be very difficult for me to transition on the job.
In response, I made it clear that my personal survival meant that the job obviously came first and we ageed to leave it at that for now and would rediscuss some time in the future. Since then I have rediscussed the subject a couple of times in an informal manner with the HR Manager, a woman with whom I get on very well. Just being able to do this provides some relief.
However, what all of this means is that I seem to be condemned to a double existence for quite some time and I am finding this extremely difficult. I have come so far and now seem to be stuck in an in between zone, neither able to go forward non back. The positive is that  in my private life I can and do live 100% female which is already great. The huge negative is having to revert to male every Monday morning and since I have  had excellent breast growth (another positive), dressing is going to be quite a problem when the weather gets warm again and I can no longer wear a jacket or loose pullover to hide the bulges.  Since GRS generally requires 2 or 3 months off from work, impossible in my position,  there is also no possibility of getting complete closure any time in the foreseeable future.
Since I really like my job, I get by a lot of the time but inside I often feel ready to explode and scream out that being obliged to continue presenting male is totally crazy. I keep myself going with the  belief that if I am good enough on the job,  with enough time, the issue will become a non issue. However , day after day, it is a very uncomfortable place to be.
If there are others in a similar position  I would be interested in knowing how you handle it?
Thanks and warm regards.
Donna
 

[JoanneB]

I am kind of in that same boat as you Donna. It's a bit amazing looking back 9 months ago at my first posting on this thread. Since then I've spent a lot more time living a dual life (actually 3 lives!) and it still totally sucks. I've gone through some months of beating myself up with the "WTF am I doing?" existential question when I know going full time is more than likely never going to happen. So why bother? Why continue teasing myself over something that can never be?

All behavours I used in the past. All behavours that I know do not work. All behavours I know ultimately led to most of my life disasters. I may cry some nights over what the future does not hold. I cry even more from the fear of falling back into that persona of the past I never want to be again. Much like my wakeup call a few years ago when I started gaining a lot of weight. When the scale started nudging close to 200 lbs, a territory I swore I would never enter again, my biggest concern was not being able to fit into any of my fem clothes.

In the past 9 months my marriage has grown even stronger. My wife is now Joanne's biggest advocate. She does not want to see me revert either. One fairly big positive. A couple of weeks ago an old boss called offering me a job. I get to escape the fake-engineer hell of prime mil contractor back into the halcyon waters of real engineering, problem solving, and producing real products and making money. Plus another existential crises resolved since being a real engineer, a proven problem solver, is a big part of my identity. Another big plus is being able to cohabitate once again with my wife. No more long distance marriage. Though if it weren't for my long weeks alone I would not have ventured once again down the path of self discovery and fulfillment. And then there is the fantisy plus, once we are back on sounder financial footings, living and working in a state with trans rights, well perhaps full-time can happen. No time soon for sure but far more possible than where I am now

[Donna Elvira]

I am kind of in that same boat as you Donna. It's a bit amazing looking back 9 months ago at my first posting on this thread. Since then I've spent a lot more time living a dual life (actually 3 lives!) and it still totally sucks. I've gone through some months of beating myself up with the "WTF am I doing?" existential question when I know going full time is more than likely never going to happen. So why bother? Why continue teasing myself over something that can never be?

In the past 9 months my marriage has grown even stronger. My wife is now Joanne's biggest advocate. She does not want to see me revert either. One fairly big positive.

And then there is the fantisy plus, once we are back on sounder financial footings, living and working in a state with trans rights, well perhaps full-time can happen. No time soon for sure but far more possible than where I am now

Joanne,
I think that there are many answers to the questions you raise at the beginning of your post afterwards. If your wife is on your side and you are on solid footing financially, looking ahead, there shouldn't be too much to prevent you transitioning.

Even in my own case, while I find today's situation horribly frustrating, I haven't given up hope at all. The only real issue my boss has is that as the company is going through massive change right now, in the middle of a spin-off combined with a merger,  the last thing he needs is for one of his key managers to create a significant distraction. I believe he also just needs time to get his head around the idea and he has already admitted that I would probably look pretty OK presenting female. (I had complete FFS done before starting in this job and have a very slim build with pretty narrow shoulders). So for now, I continue to do all I can to insure that my presentation as a woman is as good as possible and push appearance, dress etc.. as far towards female as I can get away with on the job.

You also look very good by the way and it is hard to imagine you ever weighed 200 lbs. Have you already discussed your wish to transition with your employer? It is not a bad idea to do it quite early if for no other reason than to give people time to adjust.
Warm regards.
Donna

[FullThrottleMalehem]

Having to come out as trans and as my real gender to others since my voice doesn't "pass" and I literally have zero access to doctors with any amount of trans health care experience where I live.

How others treat and misgender me. The misogyny gets old enough, I just don't like sexism. It's especially awful when they are treating you in such a way because they don't respect your gender or see you as your real gender.

The dysphoria, of course and the toll it takes on mental health.

[CloudyKino]

Here is my list:

>Being called mam.  I want to correct people so badly but since they see a female what are they to expect?

>Dealing with my monthly period.  I've chosen not to go on any birth control and I'm too old for hormone blockers so that time of the month is a drag.  Speaking of which I am not looking foward to next week. :/

>Seeing the excitement of others when they get SRS, hormones, name change, therapist etc anything that's a step closer to their transition.It emotionally feels like I've been hit in the gut with a typewriter several times.  It's not that I'm not happy for them.  I'm just sad because I wish I could be in their shoes.

>Finding someone who will accept me for me even pre-transition and treat me as male.

>Thinking about how my life would be if I could go through the process.  Actually the thinking itself isn't that difficult but it's more of my dreams being different than my reality right now.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head there. Especially for me, recently, this one:

>Seeing the excitement of others when they get SRS, hormones, name change, therapist etc anything that's a step closer to their transition.It emotionally feels like I've been hit in the gut with a typewriter several times.  It's not that I'm not happy for them.  I'm just sad because I wish I could be in their shoes.

I've met a lot of transgenders recently, not just on here but everywhere. You could say I'm a little more than just jealous when it comes to transitioning. I'm certainly very happy and supportive of them, though.
It makes me feel kind of selfish when I get jealous of them.

[insideontheoutside]

If I could lose the moobs that would be great.

[King Malachite]

It's been over a year since I've posted this and I just wanted to know from those who are still aren't able to transition since a year ago, have your difficulties changed or have they stayed the exact same or got worse? 

For me, most of my earlier points have stayed consistant except the last one.  A year ago, I was still in school, making it harder for me to envision my transition.  Now that I've graduated, the vision is a *tad* bit more clearer, but still lengthy considering the red tape I'd have to go through to get a job (license, car, driving school, background check etc.).  It still feels like I'm going nowhere.  New people are also welcome to add their struggles!

[Darkie]

The fact that the only time I can really be male is when I go to conventions and even then only for part of the time because my asthma kicks up from my binder.  My friend is giving me a new one so we will see if it works better.  But, eventually, I am going to have to give my husband children and..that's going to be painful for me.  Before it was ok..but now.. Now that I've finally started to slowly accept myself to the extent that I can...the thought and realization that once I have kids..I will have to bury it all away again..

[insideontheoutside]

The fact that the only time I can really be male is when I go to conventions and even then only for part of the time because my asthma kicks up from my binder.  My friend is giving me a new one so we will see if it works better.  But, eventually, I am going to have to give my husband children and..that's going to be painful for me.  Before it was ok..but now.. Now that I've finally started to slowly accept myself to the extent that I can...the thought and realization that once I have kids..I will have to bury it all away again..

Wait ... you actually think you "have to give" your husband children? Seriously? If you don't want children, you don't "have to" do anything. In fact, if a person doesn't want children and they're forced to or think they have to in order to keep a relationship alive (or that it's some obligation to marriage), that's just a bad scenario for everyone involved and will only lead to things being worse.

[Darkie]

Wait ... you actually think you "have to give" your husband children? Seriously? If you don't want children, you don't "have to" do anything. In fact, if a person doesn't want children and they're forced to or think they have to in order to keep a relationship alive (or that it's some obligation to marriage), that's just a bad scenario for everyone involved and will only lead to things being worse.

I worded that funny.  I want to have kids, it's just I don't want to deal with the big boobs and belly and the pain. 

[RavenMoon]

I know some people put down Andrea James' videos and tapes on voice training, but the underlying approach seems to work for me... at least it gives me the mental picture and range of exercises that I need to get closer to a voice I can live with. There are some other resources, mainly on YouTube, that use much the same approach, but don't go into as much detail or provide as many exercises as those in her materials do. It's also possible that her approach works better for me because I did have some limited training as a singer and actor (was the only kid from my school or from much of Colorado's western slope to make the cut for All-State Choir in high school).

I just started working with her Finding Your Female Voice course. I'm also a singer, and have a very flexible voice, as far as doing imitations of voices and stuff. So far I like what she's doing. I've only just started, but I can get a decent female voice that actually fooled a few people in a band I play in (they didn't see I was doing the voice and didn't know where it was coming from), but I need much more work on the resonance and inflections. I don't have a deep speaking voice, but it does go there sometimes. It's mostly the resonance that's an issue. I've never been "manly" but I don't exactly talk like most of the women I know either. I suppose with many hours of practice and training it will click, like with anything you learn.

To answer the original question, the difficult part for me is financing everything. To use a phrase a friend of mine said to me today, I'm "self-un-employed". I worked as a graphic artist for a very long time and made great money, and then the bottom fell out of that. Now with the economy the way it is, no one wants to hire someone my age, and with my experience because they can get kids out of school cheaper. So I have my own business, which at this point just pays my rent.   

I just recently decided to make my transition. I've been divorced now for over a year, and it just seems like the right time. And I've already waited too long. I have two friends that are trans females, one fully transitioned, and, especially with her, they have been very positive and supportive. When I had my doubts she kept saying "just do it or you will continue to regret it and be unhappy", and she's right.

So my big concern is starting HRT, and then being at a point where I would really need some FFS (such as I have noticeable breasts... I'm an attractive guy, but not the most attractive girl, mainly due to my Roman nose lol ), and then I won't be able to afford that, thus getting me stuck in some weird in between spot. I have no desire to look like a "man in a dress." To me, I want to look presentable first, and then I'll worry about the bits people don't see. I'm not into guys, so I have no need to try and "fool" anyone to think I was born with all the parts. Anyone I get into a relationship with will have to know I'm trans. I'm not into hiding stuff like that. Even after I get SRS. And doesn't that make me even more unique and interesting? lol  I think so.

So I realize I need to change careers, and should wait to have that established first before I start anything else, but I'd really like to start my transition now. I'm motivated and determined, so I'm going to make everything work, somehow. Grrrrrr.