Hey lovelies,
It's so interesting and good to be reading through this board. I haven't found a decent board for we, the ambiguous ones.
In the last year I have really come to realize how distanced from one concrete gender idea I feel. I've done a good bit of reading of Kate Bournstein's work and had new conversations with my trans friends than I'd had before where gender identity was concerned (the nuances, rather than the more binary concepts that came up in relation to being trans*).
Here's where I've come to, at least right now, on my continuing journey of figuring out my relationship with gender:
-I'm born female and still use female pronouns, although there's a pep in my step when I get the occasional "sir" tossed my way or when my fantastic FTM partner refers to me as a "funny boy" or "the king of (whatever it is)". Mixing in of male pronouns feels just fine to me!
- I'm a mama and though I had to navigate some tough terrain at first while I figured out how to reconcile doing such a female thing as growing and birthing two babies, I have come to a lovely place where that no longer feels like an obstacle to my being able to identify as something other than female.
-I primarily dress in masculine or neutral clothes and I felt a surge of deep emotional satisfaction when I finally bought myself a "man's" wallet and turned my underwear over to the boxer-brief side of the spectrum.
-I must get a breast reduction of my generous chest so that I can bind to breastlessness when I want to, because I don't like knowing that the world sees me as having breasts (and I hate it when people notice/comment on them). I realize, though, that I really like having them in the context of my relationship and sexuality. They're pretty and soft and they feel good and I'd like to keep one set of boobs in the house (because my partner sure as hell doesn't want to keep his!
)
-I am realizing that I feel like some of my relationship with the feminine is more like enjoying drag. It doesn't feel like being a girl, but more like I'm gender->-bleeped-<-ing when I play with the femme. I'm very theatrical, I'll take any excuse to wear false eyelashes, glitter and fishnets (despite wearing very "masculine" clothes in my day-to-day). I loooove show tunes and musical theater generally but I love the cheese and drag feel of the women's roles. And I have many trappings of a fairly butch dyke too.
I don't have a particular question to ask or conversation to start with this, but it feels so good to spell some of this out and to feel like anyone who chooses to read it may actually GET some of it and not think I'm a confused in-between of a flamboyant-butch lesbian to gay/bi trans guy. I'm just happy, learning-more-all-the-time, genderplayful and would prefer NOT to be assigned a label, ME
