Cindy's Newbies; WELCOME

[Cindy]

I apologise we greet people and then we don't all ways see you again.

How can I change that?

Most of us, if in fact all of us, are very friendly and very inclusive but........

If you don't feel part of the group then you feel left out.

And I and we all know how that felt as we grew up.

So I want to change it.

This is a thread for newbies to get use to stuff.

There is nothing wrong in being a newbie. I was.

I love to meet people, I love to interact with people. I love people.

So feel free post away, any question will get an answer and any comment will be addressed.

I may even be able to guide you to part of the site that may interest you.

Nothing to be frightened about.

I'm Cindy James and I greet you.

Hugs Cindy

[Danette]

Thank you so much Cindy!

I'm new to the board, and while I'm not necessarily shy or reluctant to chime in, I've found it's good to listen for a while and get to know the group.  Each board is different, and there are so many people here and such a huge, rich collection of knowledge, experience and wisdom!  I'm finding this board to be thoughtful, well spoken and well informed.  I want to contribute, and will, it just takes me a while to find my bearings.

The one area of special interest to me is the idea of taking the "middle path".  I saw that in a post earlier today and this was the first time I've seen that reference.  It seems an intuitive phrase, but I'd like to know more about it and learn from others who successfully traveled that path.

I've always been a middle of the road kind of person, and in coming to terms with myself and my life, I realize and accept that it is unlikely I'll ever completely transition.  Now I'm trying to figure out where I fit in this new world, and how I can integrate the aspects of my two selves to coexist.

Recognizing and getting to know Danette is a wonderful experience.  I don't want to ever hide her again.  My wife likes many of the aspects she brings to our relationship.  But I'm on a steep learning curve, and many times I find my feelings about my male life in conflict with how I now identify.  So, I guess I'm in search of mentors and role models.  Sounds kind of silly coming from someone nearly 60 years old, but in this area, I might as well be a 'tween, I feel that awkward and lost sometimes.

Thanks again

Danette

[Cindy]

Hi Danette,

You raise some very good points and I'm overjoyed  that your wife is supporting you.

I'm not too sure what the middle path is. I know there are many MtF who decide not to have surgery to construct a vagina, some have an orchie and no reconstruction, some have neither. There are many factors.

Age, health, finances, relationships are all important. You may find your wife is OK with you presenting as a woman but being castrated and rebuilt may be too much. Again this can be an age thing. Younger couples may have more problems in this than older.

I decided that I would openly present as me. It took some time. I joined Sue's in late 2008 as a scared little rat.

I'm now out full time and never been happier. This from a person who was so terrified to get her ears pierced in case she got fired and who now walks around and presents totally female in the same job I have had for 30 yrs.

No stealth for me

So I think you really need to keep your plan fluid. Things do change and as you become comfortable with one aspect of life others open up.

I remember the first time I went out in public and actually went to a hotel. I was so scared. I don't even think about it know.  The liberation was so great that after a few outings there was no way I could go back.

This is a blessing and a danger.

At some point there is no going back. Once a person knows about you it is over. Once you have revealed yourself to friends, colleagues whatever. It is over. There is no going back. You may not want to, I certainly have had no regrets; except for not coming out sooner.

I also have no great problem with coexistence, as I came out Cindy very, very quickly became the dominant person in my make-up. I have never felt a dual personality. Once I 'allowed' Cindy out she was there and ready and happy and everything that P never was.

The effect on people who knew me was stunning. They saw and commented on a personality change that stunned them. I went from moody to happy, even before I started to present as Cindy. Just from accepting me.

P had real difficulties in being popular and having friends. For whatever reason Cindy is outgoing and popular and has no problems in talking to people and enjoying herself. P was a miserable little sod who jumped at shadows and didn't have a friend in the world.

So I suddenly had a social life. I'm invited to dinner parties, I'm asked out for drinks, I'm asked out to see a movie. It is wonderful!

But I had to get used to it.

Again there are dangers here for your family relationship. Can your spouse take changes in you? You need to think these things through. Discussion is of course totally important, but if you can get your spouse to attend therapy sessions with you that may also help.

You do need a therapist. In Australia they are all Psychiatrists, they assess if we have any underlying mental problems and deal with them as needed.

A good therapist is gold.

Here,  my therapist specialises in sexual 'problems' so he is very experienced. We have a marvellous relationship, and to be honest I think we both enjoy our sessions as we have a lot of laughs.

So you need to have a think about where you want to go. But as I said keep it fluid, life changes; don't we know it

Is sixty too old to face all of this?

I'm 60 on the 1st Jan 2013.

BTW I  talk to lots of people about all sorts.

I'm always here for you, and your spouse, as well.

Hugs Danette

Cindy

[Catherine Sarah]

Congratulations on such an initiative as this one Cindy           (You deserve a good flogging for it)
Susan's can be an overwhelming site first up, and what you've started is fabulous. So I'm not sure whether I'm trespassing or not.            (tough luck if I am )

Danette, I'd agree with what Cindy has said about keeping fluid. Transition is basically an evolution, and thoughts' feelings, pinions, perceived principles can change dramatically along the way. Coming out to my immediate family, took me to an all together new level of understanding. Fortunately most of it has been based on the substantial research I've done over the years on the who, how, why and what I am.

I suspect there will be other defining moments along the way that will further deepen and develop those concepts. It's a matter of being aware of them and working with them to maximise their benefit in defining the richness of my total personality as Catherine.

You are doing well and I congratulate you on the marvelous effort you are doing with respects to your near and dear relationships. SO's are such an important part of one's journey.

Keep in touch, and be safe, well and happy

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Danette]

Thank you both!

Your experience and perspective is so helpful.  It's nice to have the view from further down the road.  I'm not sure what expectations I have, I'm sort of living in the moment right now, taking care of the most immediate things - like understanding all this.

I have a wonderful counselor, someone I've been seeing for the past 8 years, so she knows me well.  My wife and I are seeing a couples counselor as well, and today my wife had her first appointment with her own counselor.  It is becoming easier for us to talk about this, all that it means and doesn't mean.  We have good times and not so good times, though the good times are the norm and so far, we've worked through the bad times successfully.

My wife is helpful with my efforts to dress appropriately - age and situation, we help each other with makeup, and shopping together is an entirely new couples activity for us.

I don't think either of us have specific expectation for the longer term, too soon for me to know what I want, and to be able to put it in context with our life together, family, community, etc.  So MANY things to think about.

I have changed.  The sense of incompleteness and sadness that has been present my entire life is lifting every day, replaced by a curious and very unfamiliar feeling of wholeness.  The irritability that my family tip-toed around is so infrequent now that they are beginning to relax.  I prefer to help my wife with household chores now where I avoided the same in the past.  I still have times of the old familiar depression, except now I know where it comes from and it doesn't frighten me as much.

While I'm learning so many new things, I'm also working to unlearn old behaviors and patterns of thinking.

The elephant in the room right now is if, when and how to come out to our two adult children.  IF is yet to be answered.

I've never been one to make hard and fast plans about things where there was much I didn't or couldn't control - I guess I've always been fluid in managing my life.  As a career military member, you learn to plan for the best, expect the worst, and prepare for anything - no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

I've been out in public dressed and found it incredibly freeing and exhilarating, yet strangely calming, normal and a complete absence of anxiety - which really surprised me!  And no, I'm not deluding myself by thinking I passed.  But I also didn't seem to draw any attention, and I was watching for it.  I exchanged purchases, shopped, had lunch, all in all, a great couple of hours.  The retail shop people were so professional and completely respectful, they gave no indication that anything was out of the ordinary.  If other shoppers noticed, they certainly were not overt in their recognition.  And all this in one of the reddest of the red states.

Plan for the future?  Take it as it comes, pursue my changes thoughtfully, mindful of the impact on my loved ones, and not to hurry.  I'm 58, and I want to enjoy the rest of my life however it plays out.

What I think I know now:

I don't want to, and can't go back.
Surgical transition is not in the cards, hormonal very unlikely.
I would like to open to those most close to me and my family - a possibility with time.
I would like to live part time as Danette - maybe, but remote.
I will continue to express my correct gender as often as safe and prudent to do so.
I've come a long way in five months, but there's a lifetime of denial and repression to overcome.
Writing like this is a major outlet for me, thanks to anyone that takes the time to read.
I want to be the most ordinary woman I can be, and the most extraordinary human possible.
It'll be interesting to read this in six months and see what's changed.

Thank you for listening

Danette

[Danette]

I forgot - now it's time for the rest of us Newbies to chime in!

Danette

[Amazon D]

Hi My name is Danielle i am a transgenderaholic. I know i am addicted to these people places and things. I have tried and tried to let go and let God but i found my life to be hopless without staying connected to other trans people. I am working on my twelve steps one day at a time. Hugs not rugs
Keep coming back .. it works if you work it

[Catherine Sarah]

Thanks Danette,
For such a comprehensive update on your thoughts and feelings. I certainly wish you both well as you travel this most unusual but unique path.

Everything that is happening to you on your outward sojourns, sound just so normal. The peace and tranquility you experience, just being you is beyond understanding to most, but oh so soul regenerating.

Life throws interesting rainbow of light on things, once the genie is out of the bottle, never to return. Hopefully your children will be understanding of your current situation. I know my 25 yo just told me to, "get with it Dad, get rid of your 1950's thinking, this is 2012." Amazing.

Keep doing what you're doing. It's all going well for you. Special thoughts to your wife, it can't be easy on them.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Sara Murphy]

Thank you for having me.

I have been staring at this post for over a week now.  Starting, stopping, typing, then deleting.  Not knowing what to say or how to introduce myself with a modicum of tack and without going into a big sob story rant.

My story is not unlike most that I have read in the interweb-verse.  My time to this point in life has not been a blast.  Sure there have been good times, life does not completely suck, but as more time passes things seem to be slipping away.  I have the prerequisite depression.  After an incident a few years ago a counselor pretty much determined that I have been suffering with depression since puberty.  I have to admit that I am not an easy person to be around.  Whenever I meet new people and start to develop a friendship I will inevitably pull them aside and tell them that I am a hard person to know and being around my mood swings is not pretty.

On of my biggest issues, in my eyes anyway, is the fact that I do not know how to perceive myself.  Here is what I mean:  When you look into a mirror, what do you see?  You may like your reflection or loathe that image.  For me I don't know what I see.  Throughout my everyday travels it seems like I am floating above myself, watching my very own Truman Show, from a seat in the balcony.  What that has to do with TGness, I don't know, but it could be a symptom.

So, how did I end up here?  Like I said my story mirrors may of your own.  Tiptoeing into my mothers room to steal a pair of pantyhose...yadda, yadda, yadda...I became a cross dresser.  My first...um...incident of manhood took place in a pair of navy blue pantyhose.  I would often take rain checks on gatherings with friends because I knew they would be out and that gave me an evening to dress in private.  In college, the booze got a hold of me and I drank myself into oblivion with fear of meeting a girl and having he discover my little peccadillo.  Once out of college I lost touch with most of my friends through avoidance because of what was swirling around in my head.  The couple that I do still have are blissfully in the dark.

So what changed?  Hell if I know!  I have always read various CD and TG forums because CDing was my hobby and who doesn't keep up with what's new.  I happened on a couple blogs and their life stories hit a little to close to home.  As in that could be me, word for word.  ...and I got scared.  I found myself going from reading the cross dressing tale and pictures to immersing myself in the transgender postings.  There was a crack of thunder as I realized what has been going on all these years...and I don't know how to proceed next.

I am absolutely terrified of what will happen next.  Am I to old (37), am I to muscular (college soccer goalkeeper), and I too tall (6'1"), am I to fat now (maybe I will keep this one to myself), am I to poor (our of work for...god...three years now).

I have seen some amazing pictures in the MTF Before and After thread.  And I have grown to admire Vanna's beauty and intellect, Tazia's absolute adorableness, Cadence's ocean blue eyes, and Natalie's expressive face.  If that were what the crystal ball would show, I would jump in with both feet.

Who do I call on for mentorship?
What do I do with this enlightenment?
When do I start?
Where do I go from here?
Why, Why, Why?

I await, with baited breath, for any words of wisdom from my new community.

[wendy]

Dear Cindy James if we were once a Newbie and we did not post for a while then we get reinitialized.  Can you connect old userid to new one.  I want to read how my opinion have changed over years.

Thanks for saying hi to newbies.

Wendy

[grrl1nside]

I don't know about the rest of you, but I constantly end up returning over and over to being a 'newbie' just in some other step I hadn't reached yet where I feel awkward and uncertain all over again. The first time reading the forum, writing on the forum, buying jeans, growing hair out and searching for the right hairstyle and hairstylist (if only it would grow faster so I could actually do this...), I'm guess I might just have to figure out make-up. So, if it is any consolation to those just starting, I think many of us make little unsettling discoveries throughout transition. Most of us are pretty nice as a result as there always seems like something still unknown around the corner. So, I'm not brand new but I feel like it sometimes!!! But I'm hardly experienced either...

Regardless, keep on smiling. Hugs to you all (new and old).

[Cindy]

Dear Cindy James if we were once a Newbie and we did not post for a wile we were reinitialized.  Can you connect old userid to new one.  I want to read how my opinion have changed over years.

Thanks for saying hi to newbies.

Wendy

Hi Wendy,

Of course you can.

This thread is for everyone who wants to establish some contact and is not sure how to do it.

I'm sort of friendly and I know what it is to be lonely and the other girls want to be friends too.
Cindy

[Cindy]

Hi Sara murphy

Who do I call on for mentorship?
What do I do with this enlightenment?
When do I start?
Where do I go from here?
Why, Why, Why?

I await, with baited breath, for any words of wisdom from my new community.

I think we mentor each other, there are no experts in this, we face our paths and walk them. I think starting is probably the hardest and easiest to do.

It is hard because we throw away our life line. Our so called grasp of being accepted as a 'normal' guy.

BTW I'm talking about MtF, but the same comments apply to my brothers, I'm not ignoring you .

It is the easiest because once we have done that we can move forward.

I was totally terified of coming out of my shell, and have been totally shell shocked in how easy it has been. OK I have developed survival skills.  'I don't give a ->-bleeped-<-' (IDGAS). Is very important as it carries you through every day and every encounter. It gives you the strength and confidence to face people and really not care what they think. It gives you the strength to be you.

As hormones have not done a lot to me, I present as female with a rather male body. Yes I can wear makeup and wigs and look quite good, but I don't want to do that all the time, or at work. So I present as me.  A rather male looking woman with big ear rings, nail extensions, female clothing suitable for my age and status at work and not giving a damn what people think.  I didn't announce anything I just did it. Later on people asked why I was looking so 'bohemian' , loved that . I then told them I was TG and having a sex change and let me know if they had a problem. They didn't. If anyone has they haven't told me. If they did IDGAS. It's my life not theirs. They can drink, eat, smoke, drug themselves to death. I don't care. But I care about me.

Once you reach that point it is all downhill in a really nice way.

You do have to get used to things. Woman talk to each other, so you get your nails done, guess what you will be talking about your clothes where you are going out to, etc etc.
Get your hair done, the same, buying stuff, the same. Enjoy it. It is you.

Where do you go? Again it is up to you. In Australia if you want medical treatment for TG you have to see a psychiatrist for a minimum of 6 sessions. If you are OK as far as they judge you are passed on to an endocrinologist for HRT. After 12months of RLE you can have surgery after another assessment.

But there is no pressure and no demand. If you want to wear female clothing and live your life do so. If you don't want hormones and or surgery don't have them.

It is your life.

Why Why Why?

Goddess knows. I didn't choose to be this way. Like many MtF I tried very hard to be a man.  I failed. Why? Because I'm not a man, I'm a woman.

And believe it or not once I accepted that I am a woman, life got easier and a whole lot of fun.

I love my life.

Cindy

[Cindy]

I don't know about the rest of you, but I constantly end up returning over and over to being a 'newbie' just in some other step I hadn't reached yet where I feel awkward and uncertain all over again. The first time reading the forum, writing on the forum, buying jeans, growing hair out and searching for the right hairstyle and hairstylist (if only it would grow faster so I could actually do this...), I'm guess I might just have to figure out make-up. So, if it is any consolation to those just starting, I think many of us make little unsettling discoveries throughout transition. Most of us are pretty nice as a result as there always seems like something still unknown around the corner. So, I'm not brand new but I feel like it sometimes!!! But I'm hardly experienced either...

Regardless, keep on smiling. Hugs to you all (new and old).

Hi Sis,

Yes we do keep re inventing and sometimes scaring our selves, but we are sisters so we can chat about things and enjoy them. Some of us have experience in different areas and I think that is why we need to learn from each other. I'm trying to find a hair dresser to work on me, it doesn't seem to be easy. But I will try a few today.

Hugs

Cindy

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Sara,

For a start. May I congratulate you on the good job you are doing so far. How you are handling all these new and 'strange' feelings and thoughts is quite an achievement. You need to be proud of yourself.

What's this I hear? You're ONLY 37 yo. Dear lawdy, you're a spring chicken, and you're only 6'1". I've seen a lot taller than that, and in cis young girls as well. A Yr 12 high school student seen in the shopping centre, she would have had to be 6'3" at least. And her GF wasn't much shorter. Still taller than me at 5'9".

Time to start throwing away those old negative attitudes and take on some bright and positive ones, wouldn't go astray.

You asked:
Who do I call on for mentorship?
Start posting, and do exactly what you have done so descriptive well. You've shared a very import part of your life with us. Your thoughts and feelings, and you've had responses from that. This is the start of mentorship. You just being you, is where it starts, and grows from.

What do I do with this enlightenment?
Think about it. See what fits you. Start trusting your own feelings. You'll know what is right and wrong, what works and what doesn't, what feels right for you. Enlightenment is like putty. You need to work into your shape, so it works for YOU. What works for me, may not work for you, but if you twist it, it might. And just remember the old adage. If you don't use it, you'll lose it.

When do I start?
You already have. Just keep doing what you are doing. You're moving forward, just keep going that way. Trusting your feelings will guide you along the way. Sure a therapist from time to time may help, but there are no guarantees.

Where do I go from here?
Maybe a Transgender organisation close by. I'm not sure where you are, but look up your local community service organisations / public - mental health services, and look for a TG organisation that can give you an idea of the options that are available to you.

Why, Why, Why?
Don't bother wasting your time on this. Life is too short to matter. At the end of the day, who really cares. I wasted some time on the same subject, but quickly came to the realisation I had, don't, and most probably will never, have control over why. I didn't asked for it, nor did I choose it. I was just lucky enough to be born with it. And I'm so bloody glad I was.

Hope this helps in some way to clarify a lifting fog for you. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. As far as I'm concerned you spent a good week on your post. Keep up the mighty work, it just gets better from here on in.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Sara Murphy]

Thank you for your replies.  That post was expressed from such an emotion place, which is rare for me.  If was not that it teared up or anything, but it was the first time that I have ever expressed those thoughts outside of conversations (arguments) within my own head.  I had intended for it to not be the typical scripted statement, but I guess that is what the first time tends to be since we have all had those feeling within our little cult-da-sac of the neighborhood.

There does seem to be a weight, somewhat, moved off my shoulders.  For the first time in forever, it seems, I have not had those daily self destructive thoughts.  I am sure you know what I am talking about without me directly saying it.  I now have a small bit of direction.  Step one and a half here is come.   

[Catherine Sarah]

Sara, I'm so proud of you.

Taking that first step is often the hardest thing you'll ever do. A rocket ship headed for outer space uses 85% of its fuel load before it even get off the launch pad. That remaining 15% takes it off the pad into outer space and back.

Bases on that fact, you are well on your way to achieving your hearts desire. I applaud you for taking a week to write it. That is the best week of your life so far. Just keep doing it, we'll keep listening. You'll be amazed at what you discover about yourself in doing it.

I'm really soooooo pleased it has turned you around. You have a beautiful heart, that needs to shine.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Cindy]

Great one Sara,

The steps may feel small but they are really giant strides. And every time we commit to something it gets easier.

Both Catherine Sarah and I really do know what you mean. We have come from the same place, we just picked up the pace a while back. And honestly it does get easier.  Case in point I'm having problems typing because I've had 1/2 inch nail extension put on. Just walked into the shop and had acrylics done in a beautiful bright fuchsia, just so they are easy to hide .

No one batted an eye lid, well they did because the technician was really chatty, and the girl next to me was talking to me about what I was having and she was having. And there is NO way my voice passes.


But confidence Honey, Confidence.

Hugs

Cindy

[Felix]

Dear Cindy James if we were once a Newbie and we did not post for a while then we get reinitialized.  Can you connect old userid to new one.  I want to read how my opinion have changed over years.

Thanks for saying hi to newbies.

Wendy

This question is more a technical one, right? About connecting your old name to your current one. I have no idea but the Forum Questions section might be a good place to start - https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,95.0.html

[Catherine Sarah]

had acrylics done in a beautiful bright fuchsia, just so they are easy to hide .

Pictures please!!

Ta

Catherine