Deciding to transistion

[seldom]

^*shrug* A skirt is a pretty good symbol of being female. They are just cloth but there is quite a lot of meaning in them nonetheless.

It is perception as much as anything, I suppose.

But that said, Kate has a very good question. If you could be a bona fide female but bared from girlie clothes, never to wear a skirt or anything similar, would you?

Find peace, it is down there somewhere.

Blessed Be.

This is really funny.  Because honestly transition should never be about the cloths.  Do I get moments where I get stunned and fall in love with an outfit or something else, absolutely.  I would be lying if that were not the case.  But that had almost nothing to do with why I am transitioning and why my therapist has no issue with me transitioning (in fact is guiding me, and every step I take feels right). 

But I stepped into my therapist office pretty clear headed and said I hate being male and being male is causing me a significant amount of anxiety on a daily basis.  I also said, it was not necessarily about the cloths. 

Honestly, for me the cloths do help somewhat, but barely any.  I am not transitioning because I really like the cloths.  I am transitioning because I deplore my body and it does not feel right.  Psychologically, I cannot relate to being male, nothing about it feels right.  I feel like I was part of some cosmic mistake, and I should have been born female.  Honestly if I can transition without wearing anything feminine it would still feel like the right path.

The truth is, if its the cloths alone, then your therapist may be right.  If you are not unhappy with being male, than transitioning could cause major problems. 

[katia]

this is what i said to julie marie;

action is how you overcome self-doubt. only after action has taken place then your experience will be the teacher of what to do better eventually.

i dont know how to put it more bluntly; if you're [unsure or have a choice pertaining to transition], don't transition.

I believe it was Stormy who, when she told her therapist that she needed to be a woman, was told:

"Prove it."

Kate

exactly.  yet it's very unlikely that someone who is unsure of transition [or being transexual] could prove something of which he/she is not certain.

[Suzy]

Alice,

I think you're getting some good morsels of advice here.  But I worry about you, sweetie.  You have said that when you are in the deeper part of depression, transition feels more important.  If you are being medicated out of feeling anything to the point where transitioning (and everything else, for that matter) no longer bothers you, then there may be something wrong with your treatment in general.  Treatment for depression should bring you to the point where you can reasonably face your issues and deal with them, not just fail to care any more.  Else your problems will grow worse and eventually they will catch up with you.  Then the cycle starts over again, but worse than the last time. 

So I would concentrate on the depression treatment first, then see how you feel about transitioning when it is under control.  Don't rush this.  If you need to experiment, this is a good time to do it.  Step up your femme times a bit and see how it works for you.  See if it IS you.  Store up experiences to guide you.  Then wait until you are ready to make a good decision.  Until then, enjoy some of this.  It is permitted.

Kristi

[Teri Anne]

Dear Alice,
I'm sorry you're going through angst and I'm sorry that we all have to go through this middle-ground.  But know that, after transitioning, many post ops find that there isn't really all that difference between the genders...a lot of it is societal conditioning as to what each gender supposidly is.

I do, as some have mentioned, worry about whether your appreciation of dresses is important in your "deciding to transition."  Consider what therapists sometimes tell people who overeat chocolate and sweets.  They say, "eat nothing but sweets for awhile to see if you REALLY like it."  If you wear dresses every day, as I'm sure you can guess, the thrill lessens and, after awhile, it is just clothes.  And that's what FULL TIMING is all about...getting the thrill out and seeing what makes you truly comfortable.

And, as others too have said, it's what YOU think that makes your life, not what a therapist theorizes.  The best therapists let YOU figure out your future.  And maybe the best is where you are now, a little of this and a little of that.  You have to decide.

Teri Anne

[Feral Cat]

I really don't think it is a practical goal to be "stable"  and "happy" if you are not living in the proper gender.  The most one could hope for is "stable" and "unhappy" IMO.  Once transition begins, you make the trade to "unstable" but "happy".   I don't know of anyone, myself included,  who was stable right after they begin transition, but fortunately, the stability can return in time.  Happiness is the goal,  stability will follow.  But for your therapist to say that you need to be stable and happy prior to transitioning is horse hockey.

Does he even listen to you during your sessions?

Pam

[TheBattler]

Thanks everyone for your input - there have been son very insightful reponses.

I hear what you're saying, but maybe the question is: are you really happy being a guy? Or are the meds simply numbing you to the pain of the underlying GID?

Thats a very interesting question Kate. I do worry that when I go off my meds I will just fall to peices again. There is some Chemical in the brain that has gone haywire. I do wonder how I can aviod depression & transistion at once - you summed it up very well.

IMHO, you transition when it's something you want and need with 100% of your being, feeling it every second of every day. When all the denials and coping and lying and working around it and meds and distractions just stop working anymore, and you just KNOW what you have to do. That's why I say it's not so much a decision as an event. You can decide to NOT transition - for awhile. Eventually, those decisions lose their effectiveness, and your transition unfolds as it's been trying to do all along.

You are right there. I am not 100% commited to transistion hence I am not ready for it. I still wish I knew what to expect when I come of my Meds. I feel like I am trying to avoid ot rather then trying to figure out if I need it.

Alice, remember what we talked about.

No one elses experience will be like yours.  But yes, I was a lot like you in trying to make the decision. I had other factors holding me back, but we do share so many of the same feelings.  You may find yourself in the middle of transition and say... "hey, I'm in the middle of transition!"

Cindi

Yeap  - I know my experiences are my own. It is so hard because it is so subjective - I need to be guilded by what I feel is best.

Alice, I think you and I talked about this through PM's once.  If you are not willing to be the woman you feel you are 24/7, every day of every week of every month of every year forever and ever, then hon, it does make sense to wait on transition.  You know sweets, therapists are very well trained on these matters and even though sometimes we may disagree with their views or decisions, they are always correct (99% of the time at least)  If you are not TS and transition, you will be more unhappy than what you are right now, so IMHO, I second your therapist's decision, for this is for your own good and well-being.

tink

You have help me think about what transistion really means. Thanks

Alice

[tinkerbell]

But for your therapist to say that you need to be stable and happy prior to transitioning is horse hockey.
Does he even listen to you during your sessions?
Pam

I was reading this yesterday, and I wasn't sure whether I was misunderstanding what Alice had written or I was just too tired to grasp what was being said here.  IMHO, if a patient is happy and stable prior to transition, what is the point of seeking therapy then?  Somehow it doesn't make sense to me either and you ask an excellent question Pam, does Alice's therapist even bother to listen to her or she is just "there" nodding her head, scribbling on paper, and pretending that she is actually listening? 

tink

[Kate]

IMHO, if a patient is happy and stable prior to transition, what is the point of seeking therapy then?  Somehow it doesn't make sense to me either and you ask an excellent question Pam, does Alice's therapist even bother to listen to her or she is just "there" nodding her head, scribbling on paper, and pretending that she is actually listening? 

For whatever it's worth, my therapist said the same things to me when I told her that I needed to start HRT *right now*, or... well, there were no more "ORs" left for me.

She said no - I was being too urgent, too hasty, acting out of desperation.

Yea... no kidding 

And yet, looking back, I'm glad she said no. I CLEARLY saw my need because of that denial, and seized my own destiny.

"Prove it" indeed.

Kate

[tinkerbell]

"Prove it"
Kate

Aha!  good point, Kate.  I never thought of it that way.  True, now that I think about it, it coud be a way to make Alice more motivated.  If that were the case, then it'd make perfect sense! 

tink

[TheBattler]

In fact that was the idea of my thread.

My therispt will not allow me to make any changes when in a bad mood. It has to be a long thought out process. When I am stable and can think about it I canm decide to transition. However if I got into a stable frame of mind I would never decide to transition. If I was stable there is not way go through the heartache of transistion.

Perhaps I can open this up to you guys. What frame of mind where you in when you decided to transition? Where you in suicidal depression when you decided to depression (the impression I get)?

Alice

[Kate]

Perhaps I can open this up to you guys. What frame of mind where you in when you decided to transition? Where you in suicidal depression when you decided to depression (the impression I get)?

Sitting on the bathroom floor, door closed and locked, sobbing every day. Collapsing while taking showers, sitting at the bottom of the tub, crying every morning. Crying while driving to and from work. Crying AT work. Crying while trying to fall asleep at night. Terrible, unbearable stomach pains leaving me curled into a ball on the floor. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Couldn't focus on work. No way out, no solutions seemed acceptable or workable... the losses from ANY path seemed too unbearable.

See: Broken

Kate

[HelenW]

...However if I got into a stable frame of mind I would never decide to transition. If I was stable there is not way go through the heartache of transistion...

I don't think that being in a stable frame of mind would keep a transsexual person from undergoing transition.  I think being consistently sad and depressed is stability, albeit a negative type.

Alice, if your mood is still swinging then I agree you should wait before making any decisions.  If you are consistently down and you want to take the plunge then go ahead.  But if you feel that you wish to remain male one day and hate yourself for your masculinity the next, perhaps you need to wait and see if your motivations can become a bit clearer to yourself in the future.

hugs & smiles
helen

[LynnER]

I descided to transition the moment life aloud me to....  everything was going great for a change... I had a wonderful girlfriend who was there to help me, a job, a support structure of good friends... for the first time in my life everything was going well, and I was still miserable...  Because of all the good it was alittle difficult to convince the theripist but I managed just fine.......

Descideing to re transition....  I was a suicidal mess and it was descided the best way to get out of it was to get me back to stable... which ment HRT and full steam ahead....

[Jillieann Rose]

Alice,
I have stay out of this discussion although I have been reading it daily.
First I haven't started HRT and don't know if I ever will at this point.
Second I will never clam to be better at advising you than your therapist.
But I have PM and Messenger you many time.
I have these questions for you:
Do you enjoy your female feelings?
Or do you still wish they just would go away?
Do you want and need to be a women?
Or do you still want to go back to the way you use to be?
I have share with you that I feel female inside, but you said you didn't.
Has that changed?
I know you already understand that transitioning is no quick fix and is extreme reaction.

No offense intended to all of the men and women here at Susan's who have or are transitioning I really admire you. And from all of your stories I know it is not an easy road but is or was necessary for you. 

Please Alice don't feel you have to answer these questions here or to me if you would rather not. They ask because I care and want to help you in your decision.

Hugs Sis,
Jillieann

[cindianna_jones]

Alice, I advised my therapist in my first session that I was transitioning. I asked her to help me with the associated problems. We never had a discussion about whether it was the appropriate thing to do or not.  I never gave her the chance.

BUT... up until that point, I was completely on my own. I stepped forward and back so many times that my life in that time seems like a blur. 

If you can live without it. DO!  You will know if and when the time is right. It won't be a thought, it will be action.

Cindi

[Kimberly]

Meh. There is value in doing something BEFORE it gets to desperation. This or that situations are usually not as beneficial than if you have some control over the matter.

^*shrug* Granted, once you get to that point there isn't any questions left but ^*shrug* breaking isn't much fun.


But as a side note one physical path to consider if not understanding is eating you alive is a trial HRT (with Dr. care of course). E in a guy is bad mojo. E in a girl is divine. Pretty simple in that light It might be a thought to discuss with your therapist.

Blessed Be.

[Wendy]

Meh. There is value in doing something BEFORE it gets to desperation. This or that situations are usually not as beneficial than if you have some control over the matter.

But as a side note one physical path to consider if not understanding is eating you alive is a trial HRT (with Dr. care of course). E in a guy is bad mojo. E in a girl is divine. Pretty simple in that light It might be a thought to discuss with your therapist.

Dear Alice,
One potential side effect of no one listening to you is very irrational behavior.  I think if a person is reasonably rational (regardless of it they have depression or not) and has made a reasonably effort in counseling then they can make a reasonable request for a trial run under the supervision of a TG doctor. 

W

[Suzy]

I think Wendy is making a very good point here.  Go for it. 

Kristi

[TheBattler]

I have these questions for you:
Do you enjoy your female feelings?
Or do you still wish they just would go away?
Do you want and need to be a women?
Or do you still want to go back to the way you use to be?
I have share with you that I feel female inside, but you said you didn't.
Has that changed?
I know you already understand that transitioning is no quick fix and is extreme reaction.

Hmm - wonder if I could convince myself, doctors and theripst that I am female. The at least I would have someone to go instead of been half man half woman.

I do enjoy the female feeling - sometimes I just dance arround the louge room when I have my skirt on - it is just within me. Perhaps I should stop thinking and listen to  my feelings. All of my thinking is done in male -  and sometimes I do wish this would just go away. But I feel so comfortable as a female and latly that wishing to be female has return - ever so slightly.

I think I just need time to see where my feelings want to take me and work on my identity. Do I want to look and feel like a woman for ever and a day?

Alice (alive and well)

[Teri Anne]

Alice, you ask  if you could "convince myself, doctors and therapist that I am female."  Yes, you probably could.  Whether it's the RIGHT decision is the main question, not whether you can talk yourself into it.

You say, "I do enjoy the female feeling - sometimes I just dance around the lounge room when I have my skirt on."  I have mixed feelings about this sentence.  Part of me wishes you would get over feelings of joy in dressing and moving around as a woman (not meaning to be blunt, but you need to ask yourself if you are a ->-bleeped-<- or a transsexual).  The other part of me knows that little girls enjoy "dress-up" and we, as society, don't think anything about it because we realize that it's part of their formation in self-identity.  Which one you are only you can answer.  I offer these questions not as any kind of criticism but rather as, perhaps, trying to be a helpful (or unhelpful?) guide.

You ask, "Do I want to look and feel like a woman forever and a day?"  It's an important question to ask and, perhaps when you stop needing to ask the question, you will know the answer.  That sounds like a mystical conclusion but perhaps it's accurate.

Good luck in whatever road you choose.

Teri Anne