Please help..! Transgender with a heterosexual boyfriend.. Need advice.. Please

[Tiny717]

Hey everyone,  I'm Jack (Jack-Frank) - but my friends call me Frankie.
I've been thinking a lot lately.. mostly about me and my boyfriend.
We've been together for a few months now.. and he's really, really nice and sweet - and he's just a wonderful person in general.
Which makes this harder..
We've talked to each other plenty of times about me being transgender and he says that he doesn't mind it at all.
But here's the thing... he's completely heterosexual, I'm not..
Since I'm Transgender (ftm), we're technically in a homosexual relationship...
And so, I asked him what he would do when I started to present myself as male by binding and dressing male and packing and whatnot.. and he said that he'd honestly have a hard time with it, and that he was sorry.

I want to start presenting myself as male when school starts up again - it's my last year in highschool.
So, when I start presenting myself as male, there will be some difficulties in our relationship...

He said before that he sees me as a tomboyish girl, and that's what he's attracted to.. and that he hoped I didn't mind.
The problem is though, I don't feel as though we should, or can continue letting our relationship grow.. I don't believe it's fair to either of us to let ourselves become closer to each other, when I know that later, it will end because of me being transgender.. and because of me wanting to present myself as what I feel is my proper gender is..

I feel it's unfair to him because it feels almost like I'm taking advantage of the fact that I know that I look like a tomboy and that I know fully well that that is what he's attracted to..
But I feel it's unfair for myself, because he knows that I'm transgender.. and he even knows that it's next to impossible to look at myself before a shower or any time I have to look at myself.. without feeling disgusted with my own body... but he still wants to be with me; and he's attracted to the "tomboy" he thinks I am.. not to my male self.. which is, what I believe, my true self...

Part of me tells me to stay with him, that it's stupid what I'm thinking, that it doesn't matter... but the other part of me tells me that I really, really shouldn't... because it is wrong.
The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt a wonderful person such as himself.. but I don't know what to do.
Please, I know it's probably a lot to ask... but I'm desperate, and I need advice.. What should I do..?
I know it's wrong to stay with him.. but, excuse my language.. I'll feel like a complete and total ->-bleeped-<- for ending it over something like this.. but I also can't help but feel as if "this" is a good reason..
I just don't know what I should do.. I'm confused.. and upset..
Please, I need advice... If you guys could help me on this, I'd forever be in your debt.. <3

[SourCandy]

*huggles* Not sure if it's great advice, but ultimately I'd say you are still young enough that it probably wouldn't hurt if you continued the relationship becasue odds are it's not going to go be your only relationship even if you weren't Transgender. And while he says he might have a hard time, that's not the same as "It's impossible for me to accept."

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, it is very possible that he could accept it. I had an ex who was strictly lesbian, until she met me (she still can't identify as a lesbian anymore, lol). So sometimes love and attraction can outweigh those traditional orientation categories.

[Tiny717]

*huggles SourCandy back* ^u^
You both make a good point.. ^.^
I think I'll continue our relationship.. We'll see how it goes and how far I suppose. I guess the only way to know if it will be a problem or anything is to try it and find out.. Wish me luck. <3
I think almost made a terrible mistake... And I'm glad I didn't.. thanks you two - you definitely helped~

[Edge]

Forgive me for pointing this out, but you said he thinks of you as a tomboy. You're not a tomboy, you're a boy. This may be an unpopular opinion, but do you really want to be with someone who thinks of you as someone you aren't?
You say you have told him about being transgender, but he still thinks of you as a tomboy. Do you really want to be with someone who won't see you for who you are?
You aren't taking advantage of him. You told him that you're a boy. The fact that he still thinks of you as a girl is not your fault, but personally, I would find it worrying.

[Tiny717]

Thank you, Edge.. really~
You do make a point.. and that is actually sort of what I'm worried about - the fact that he thinks of me as a girl.
I think though.. I'll have to discuss it with him the next time I can talk to him.
I think I'm going to ask him to try to think of me as male instead of just a "tombyish girl" as he says.. and see how it goes from there.. ^__^"
He said to me before that he likes me for who I am, not for what I look like... but I can't help but think,
"Yes.. Yes you sort of do like me for how I look.. I look like I'm female.. and you like that thought more than the thought of me being male..."

[ElusiveAppellation]

I dealt with this same situation personally... on the other side of things, though.

I'd been dating someone who was a FAAB, female-leaning (or so I thought) genderqueer for six months, when they came out to me as FTM. Like the guy you mention, I identify as a straight male, but... I tried to make things work, in spite of this. What I realized, though, was that the idea of my former girlfriend (who was already taller than me, I might add) becoming male to all outward appearances... well, it gave me nightmares, to be honest. I ended the relationship because I felt he deserved someone who'd only even known him as male, who didn't have lingering feelings for a girl who never existed...

While people can change, try as I might, I couldn't make myself change for him. If your boyfriend can't handle it, can't make himself adjust and change with your transition, just know that he probably still loves you in his own way, and may well curse himself for no longer being able to reciprocate your feelings. I know that ever since my analogous relationship ended, I've been blaming myself, and have felt inferior to biromantic and panromantic people as a result.

My experience is not definitive, by any means; it's possible his feelings for you may overcome his hangups, depending on how strong those feelings are and how much he's explored his identity, etc. I would simply caution that while it is all well and good to hope for the best, you should also anticipate the worst, and prepare yourself, should that transpire.

[pretty]

This kind of situation is surprisingly really really common here and my opinion stays the same generally...

It's not gonna work. Do you think he'd ever date a cis male just because he liked their personality? If you had been a cis male would he have considered dating you for even a split second? If he calls himself a straight male then almost definitely not. The only reason he WOULD stay in the relationship is because he does not respect or take your male identity seriously. And for you to stay in that relationship understanding how he feels is to constantly admit that you don't either.

A lot of people think I sound close-minded when I say that but honestly, in these cases, I feel that if the cis male partner legitimately and whole-heartedly considered their FTM partner a male and no different from a cis male, they would not even begin to consider staying in the relationship. 

[JoanneB]

Pretty, pretty much nailed it. However you are still young both physically and emotionally. You didn't mention seeing a gender therapist so I assume you are not in therapy. How you feel today just may not be such a major imperative in a year.

As Pretty said, the storyline is very common, especially for us dinosaurs in multi-decade long relationships. While many entered into them in hopes of being cured or for various other reasons never told to their mates the lifelong gender issues eventually came to a head. The game gets changed. Most likely everyone winds up getting hurt as compromises are made.

The deal-breaker (or relationship breaker) usually comes with publicly presenting. Sometimes even with presenting at home. That is when the mental image the other person holds of you totally changes. What was once abstract is now all too real.

[Jeatyn]

My personal opinion is if you enjoy being with this guy then I see no reason to break it off...BUT that being said, you have to prepare yourself for getting hurt down the line. He may come around to the idea of dating a guy...he may not. If not, things are just going to get awkward when you start actually looking like a guy.

There's a lot of straight guys who LOVE the idea of dating a "man in a woman's body"....but the woman's body is essential to the equation.  Once actual solid changes start happening and they are forced to acknowledge that you're actually a boy, not just a girl with a boyish personality...the game changes.

There could also be an element of denial on his end, clinging on the idea of the "girl" he's dating.

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

This is a cliche but this one cries out to be said: "One Day at a Time" is the way to go. Things will work out with him...or they won't. Be thankful that this is a not a very long term relationship or a marriage.

[Mosaic dude]

That's a hard situation.  You're already out to him and talking, and that's the right thing to do.  I'd say take it one day at a time too, and see where it goes.  Partly I say that because deciding what you're going to do about this situation is not something you can do overnight.  It's a journey, and you're going to have to take it together.

I'm in a relationship with a straight guy too.  We got together almost ten years ago, before I even knew there was a word for someone like me.  It's a very hard thing to deal with, and I feel your pain.