terrible situation

[Cute Ida]

Hello everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted last. I have a terrible situation, undoubtedly it's tied into my being a m2f trans-woman. I'll try to make a long story short.


I went full time at work on October 1st 2012 and was put on hormones October 2nd 2012. Everyone was really great about my transition. I was working as the custodian of a YMCA camp. During summer camp 2013 no one that didn't already know I was trans could tell the difference between me and a genetic female. I'm that passable.  Anyway, I had feelings for someone else that worked there. She had been great about my transition. She knew me both before and after it. After 2 years the feelings did not fade. All summer I kept chickening out to tell her that I like her. A week after camp ended I wrote her an innocent letter explaining that I had feelings for her. It didn't matter if she returned them or not. I can handle being rejected by a woman, even before transition.  I had to get the feelings off my chest.


I wrote the letter and gave it to her. She never responded. She went straight to HR. They called me in for a meeting with them. My supervisors and everyone at camp were kept in the dark as to why I had to meet with HR. They asked me if I wrote the letter. Since I have been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome in addition to being m2f transgender I told the truth. They fired me on the spot. No verbal or written warning, no reprimand nor suspension. They didn't really give me a clear reason as to why they were firing me. I had never been told of my employer's policies nor would they give me a employee handbook. They didn't cite any rule or policy that I had broken for them to fire me. That had been the best job I ever had in my life.


A few days after I was fired I attempted suicide. I tried to overdose on my female hormones, Zoloft and another anti-anxiety medication. I dissolved the pills with soda pop and a little bit of whiskey. I only drank 1/3rd or 1/4th of the mix before I blacked out. I awoke 20 something hours later. I was still alive. A few days later a friend got in touch with a former coworker at camp. They got me help. I was voluntarily admitted to the mental health floor of regions hospital. I got better, back on my meds and was released.


My depression since being fired has been really bad. I've been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist who are familiar with trans-people. Since being released from the hospital I have had a terrible time trying to get a job (that's an understatement). I was fired from my job. I tried to get unemployment insurance so I can pay my bills until I find a job. My former employer is not contesting my unemployment benefits but the state of MN is contesting it and says that I am not eligible for unemployment. I am appealing it but it seems it's a no win. I've got less than 400 dollars to my name. I've put out 91 applications in just under 2 months and gotten only 3 interviews. I have been living full time and on hormones for just over 1 full year. I haven't changed my name yet because I still have a little debt to pay off. I live as a woman but I still retain my legal birth name. I do go by my preferred name: Ida. I've learned my lesson. I still think they could have given me a warning or something rather than a direct firing. I cannot move back home with my parents because they don't accept me being trans. Sorry my post was long but everything had to be explained.


Has anyone out there had a situation like mine? I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks.


Ida

[Cindy]

Oh dear that sounds terrible!

Is there any chance of an unfair dismissal action?

[Gina Taylor]

Hi Ida,

I agree with Joules. Body language can often say too much. The next time that you have an interview, put on a big smile, and try not to move around too much. The best thing to do is to sit on your hands. And I would definently go over everything with the unemployment. Like Joules said, every state is different, but you should be entitled to unemployment regardless. And by law your employer at the YMCA should have given you a reason for firing you since you wre employed with them past two years. You weren't  in the probationairy period. I would fight that one, for your own peace of mind.

[crowcrow223]

Did they have a right to fire you at all? You just wrote a love-letter or sth like that, and that's it? Were you vulgar or sth? Seems unreasonable

[Zumbagirl]

I don't know all the circumstances but from what you described sounds like potential sexual harassment in the workplace. Since there is written proof and it seems like the recipient of the letter read it and gave it to HR, there wouldn't much of a leg to stand on. Workplaces are very careful to avoid harassment lawsuits because they can cost millions. Imagine for a second that they gave you a warning, and the woman (who was obviously not interested in you) kept receiving unwanted affection from you. It could have escalated into a far worse position. I always keep the best policy that work time is for work and after work is my own time, but it does not involve romantic flings with coworkers.

I was one on the receiving end of unwanted affection at work, so I know how it feels to be bugged by someone was I not interested in.

[KabitTarah]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation!! Good luck in finding a new position.

I'm normally in favor of letter writing - you can say things you want to say without tripping all over yourself in saying it. In this case, though, something more direct would have been better. The problem is that you wrote a letter. Letters are evidence. If you'd just asked her out and she declined, it would not have gone this far. Firing you on the spot and not explaining it that way doesn't seem fair, but the YMCA probably has a strict policy on harassment that you took a hair too far and HR probably doesn't feel obliged to explain that (?). The Y around here also has a reputation of firing first and asking questions later (ok... that second part never actually happens).

You may have some small difficulty with finding references for your old job, but that's not necessarily a deal breaker when finding a new job. In fact, you may get some sympathy just telling the (undetailed) truth (if a potential employer brings it up). i.e. You wrote a love letter while off the job and got let go because of it.

Good luck! ♥

[Gina Taylor]

This actually brings to mind the first time I had a make over done, and I sent the cosmetologist a letter just thanking her for the wonderful service and at the end I told her that I hope that we could do it again. It probably went to HR and when I went back a few days later to get my color chart I was told that I was not allowed in the store.