Achey Breaky Heart

[Joanna]

Whats the matter with me??  I started HRT last October and in general all is going well.  Despite the good progress, the past few months I have been feeling constant heartache.  I don't know why I feel like this.  It's definitely related to men though.

I don't have a b/f but desperately desire one.  If not a b/f then some male company and intimacy at the very least.  I hunger it and deeply desire it.  It's driving me to distraction.  I wake up most mornings with a heartache that could almost reduce me to tears.  I cuddle my teddy at night as it's the closest thing to a proper cuddle.  I am 37 and I remember feeling like this when I was 16.  I have dipped my toe into TS dating but I am not really attracted to many guys on there apart from one who I just don't have the nerve to contact as I am terrified he won't be interested and then I will feel rejected.  My friends keep telling me to just say hi to him but I don't feel ready or in some ways "good enough" yet.  He is one of the most attractive guys I think I have ever seen.  I fantasise about him on a daily basis.  I feel like a love sick school girl.  It's a bloody nightmare!!  All the time I leave him alone, it remains a sweet dream.  I am frightened if he said no then not only would I not be able to meet him, but my dream would be lost too 

It's very different being attracted to men as a woman.  It's not just about the physical sex (although that is important) I look at many things on a man.  The style of his hair and the way it sits at the nape of his neck, the clothes, his watch, his shoes, the way he sits, the way he walks, the smile on his face, his hands etc etc etc.  OMG the list could go on.

Some of you maybe laughing reading this.  It is laughable.  It's just the pain is quite real.  I lived as a gay guy previously and had 2 long term relationships.  I miss being in a relationship but I forfeited this when I decided to transition.  At least for the time being.  I thought I would be able to cope.  Transitioning would occupy my time and relationships would happen if they occurred along the way.  The cruel twist I had not expected was that the more female I become, the more I have a burning desire for a man.  I will make an awesome girlfriend one day.

Can anyone relate to this?

[GhostTown11]

I can, very much. There is just this just neediness for a relationship that seems surreal to me.  But I. Think eventually that is something we will grow out of. I hope you feel better!

[Cindy]

Hi Joanna,

I think it is called puberty. No matter what age we are, we are going through the early female teen years in hormonal emotion. I have a rather large pillow called Stephen, he gives me a cuddle most nights. He is also a bit randy because sometimes I wake up from a dream and he is on top of me

Hug Sis

I know

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Hi honey.  Totally relate.
Just substitute "woman" for "man" and your post pretty well sums up my situation at the moment.  I have lots of Lesbian friends. More friends is not what I want right now!

I crave a woman's touch, and the "Femme Invisibility" that feminine lesbians suffer from is all too real in my experience.  If I had a thing for Butch girls it would be easier.
When I meet a woman I find attractive it is really hard to judge how to approach her if there is a chance she is straight and would react badly.  I hope that having found places where there is a greater GLBTI presence I can improve the odds, but it is frustrating.

If you knew for sure that the guy you like was totally cool with transwomen, in a totally straight way, I'd say just approach him directly and ask him out.  That requires that you find out his feelings on the matter.  Tricky, and might need some subtle questioning in the guise of conversations.  You are a woman, that's what we do 
If he does knock you back for whatever reason, you aren't really any worse off than you are now, so why not give it a go.

I hope you can make it all happen, it gives the rest of us a boost too.  We expect lots of girly gossip if it does work.

Karen.

[Joanna]

Hi Ladies
Thanks for the replies. It's nice to know I'm not going crazy, although I feel like I am.
Karen - this guy that I really fancy is on a TS dating site so it is highly likely he will be cool with my status. He is " looking for someone sexy" I can do sexy ... With him I would be a downright whore! Haha. He is a few years older than me, he lives about 2 hours away in the town I was born and grew up in and he makes me go weak at the knees.
Do I feel brave ?

[Joanna]

Hi
I uploaded a vid to youtube with a similar theme.  The heartache continues

[justmeinoz]

Maybe try the subtle approach through membership of a group doing something you like that generally attracts more men than women.
Motorsport, fishing, astronomy,cycling,electronics; anything that is stereotyped as a "male" pursuit or has more attraction for them.
At worst you will pick up a few fishing tips etc.

Karen.