Androgynous, FTM, Genderfluid, Gender Queer?! What am I!? Please help

[Stewie]

Okay, so this year has been eye-opening in many ways. I began to see myself as trans. It was like a lot of things clicked. When I was younger, I was always attracted to females (still am!). And I despised everything that had to do with girls clothes! I remember wishing I could just dress in jeans and a t-shirt. I'd also wish at night to have male genitals. When I started developing breasts, it was like a nightmare. So basically, since I was young, I have had a deep dislike of my breasts. I have never looked at a woman and thought to myself, I want to look like her. However, I have looked at men and thought, I'd love to have their body.

I like the idea of being daddy, and husband. Nowadays, I'd love to have a penis, but I know I will never have a fully functioning one even with surgery. And quite frankly, I'm okay with the genitals I do have. My only real problem is my chest. I can't imagine how happy I would be to have a flat chest and be able to walk around without a shirt on. The idea of a deeper voice and facial hair, also seems fantastic to me. I do want those things. So basically, I have been thinking, I must be FTM.

Here is where things get tricky. I don't particularly get angry when people call me by female pronouns, names etc. In a way, I see it as "well, this is what I am physically." I guess it doesn't bother me at all but you see so many FTMs that are completely opposed to it that I sort of latched on to that idea. Also, I don't completely hate the idea of being a female/lesbian. I love the lesbian community and I feel an incredibly strong bond to it. Also, I think that by getting on T, I would never want to get pregnant. It would just be uncomfortable for me. But without T, it is something I would want.

I guess it sounds like I'm really confused. Because it hit me yesterday that I don't think I want to take T. Not with all the side-effects that I'm already predisposed to. My family has a history of certain things and T would only increase my chances of that. Honestly, I think I'd be happy JUST getting my chest surgery done. I wouldn't even bother changing gender markers or anything like that. I think that I can honestly say I would be 100% at home with my body. And I honestly like my name. I mean it's been my name my whole life and I don't have any particular hate for it.

I would just like some opinions on what you think I am. I'm leaning toward genderfluid but then again, maybe I don't even know what that word means! I saw this video today that described this person as genderfluid and it honestly felt like I was hearing my story. But maybe that's just their one opinion.

And as a side note, I have always had this aversion to being seen as a butch woman. The word itself just bothers me. I wonder how that plays into things. There are so many negative stereotypes about this

Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this! I really appreciate it! I know it might seem like a mess of things but that's how my mind is working at the moment!!!

[Edge]

Er... I don't mean to be rude, but are you asking us what gender you are? That's not something anyone but you can answer.

[suzifrommd]

I would just like some opinions on what you think I am.

Welcome to the Androgyne forest, Stewie. As Edge said, no one can tell you what you are. A lot of people here have given up trying to fit themselves into one of the labels anyway, since we're all so different and it's so hard to fit a label to what's actually going on in someone's head. But reading and posting has been an educational experience for me. By and large we are an accepting bunch. I hope you find the answers here you're looking for.

[Julian]

I guess it sounds like I'm really confused. Because it hit me yesterday that I don't think I want to take T. Not with all the side-effects that I'm already predisposed to. My family has a history of certain things and T would only increase my chances of that. Honestly, I think I'd be happy JUST getting my chest surgery done. I wouldn't even bother changing gender markers or anything like that. I think that I can honestly say I would be 100% at home with my body. And I honestly like my name. I mean it's been my name my whole life and I don't have any particular hate for it.

I would just like some opinions on what you think I am. I'm leaning toward genderfluid but then again, maybe I don't even know what that word means! I saw this video today that described this person as genderfluid and it honestly felt like I was hearing my story. But maybe that's just their one opinion.

This all sounds a lot like me. I've considered T, but I'd really only want it if I could pick and choose what would happen. I've had chest surgery and am very happy with the results. I'm not planning on changing my gender markers, even though I could at this point if I chose to. I don't mind being called by my given name, though I have a chosen name that's nice to hear sometimes.

The term genderfluid indicates an identity that changes over time. Do you have days (weeks, months, hours?) where you feel more male or more female, or do you most always feel the same gender-wise?

I identify as neutrois. That's the closest word I've found to describe my identity, though I use 'androgynous' IRL among people who aren't well-versed in all the terminology. However, just because your feelings sound similar to mine doesn't mean that you should identify the same way. Just because the person in the video was similar to you and genderfluid doesn't necessarily mean that you're genderfluid. You get to decide that for yourself, and it's really not something we can help with very much.

Sometimes it's nice, though, to know that there's someone out there like you. I'm glad to hear from you, because even if we're not on the same path, your story is similar to mine, and that's comforting.

[aleon515]

Hi from this side of the forum! I spend sort of equal amts of time on both. There is definitely something trans-masculine about my experience. And yet I don't think I fit all that.

Yeah the terms are pretty inexact and almost meaningless on some level. But they are language, and that's a way of navigating in the world and figuring things out. So there you go.

I think I agree re: T. If I could pick and chose, I'd sign up tomorrow. Most of the "side effects" are what transguys mostly want, like a hairy face. In a few cases, like male pattern baldness that is sort of an accepted part of the package.

I'm glad you liked Tommy B's video. I am referencing it here so people know what I am talking about:
intro: non-trans female with chest dysphoria
She describes herself as a "straight tomboy". I think that she is probably-- and she has said lately that she is an androgyne. She talks about wanting top surgery.
As I have said I don't think that everyone just loves them.

--Jay Jay