What Makes (or Made) You Feel Like You Weren't Trans/Shouldn't Transition?

[Stealthy]

*Didn't know since the age of 2/3/4/whatever the 'know by this age or bust!' age is nowadays
*Identity-policing bastards like targeting me because I don't see trans-ness as OMG TEH WORST THING THAT EVAR HAPPEND 2 ME and I have an identity that apparently doesn't meet the 'you must be this trans to enter' line or something

[JoanneB]

I've been thinking about an answer to this post for a while now. Probably because I've been thinking of an answer for some 50 years!

When I boil it down, it has always been my gut. That very same gut that had told me for decades not to, that I shouldn't; is now saying yes you can and probably should.

What changed? Nothing

[JohnnieRamona]

I've reached that point where I'm more afraid of the practical impediments keeping me from transitioning than any fears about how hard my life might get during or after my transition- does that make any sense?

I've accepted that I can like football, not be uber-girly, be attracted to women/trans women and have shortish hair AND still be as much of a woman as anyone else. That was a big mental step for me. 

[Tanya]

at a mere 6'5", I am worried about passing.  Then of course there is the fact that I owns business, which I would loose and end up with no way to make an income.  Oh yes and then there are the teenage kids...
Tanya

[Jeneva]

Those two took me six years to get over. Oddly enough my gayness and tomboyishness only took two weeks in comparison.

Once you lose the fear and hate, all that is left is love and trust.  I still struggle (a lot) with the fear, but I've learned to accept and love myself for who I am.  Once you learn how to say I am X (trans), then Y and Z aren't that hard (gay/tomboy).

[TheAwesomePrussia]

I have to go with Andy on this one. I don't have doubts. And I'm not afraid of failure, botched surgery, death, expenses and debt, or even losing my family.
I think the only thing I'm afraid of are the bigots making laws that make my life harder and put me in harm's way. And even that is more anger than fear.

[Kadri]

My experience was that for about six months I worried that I hadn't had the conscious thought "I am a girl" when younger and worried about why it was that i didn't think about it before my mid-thirties. It used to make me think that I might just be into wearing women's clothes, and that I wouldn't transition. Feelings became more intense after i started going out regularly as a woman. I was also lucky to meet other successfully transitioned people (men and women) who had had no idea as children.

Some other people told me I must have known since I was younger. I didn't. If there was anything there I mistook it for sexual pervasion and social awkwardness. I can see the signs pointing to it now, but i'd be lying if I said I could back then. Does it make me less transsexual than someone who has known since age three (I can hardly remember anything from back then anyway) or does living as a woman for the past nine months make me more transsexual than someone who has known since age three and hasn't made any move towards transition? I don't know, and I don't think anyone can answer it except in relation to his or herself.

As far as sexual orientation and the wish to penetrate goes, these may or may not change when you actually start to transition and you may not even care, because one nice feeling has been replaced with an even nicer one. Who knows until you start? I thought I was heading down the road to being a straight woman at one time....but there were so many beautiful women who kept turning my head.

Whipping Girl is a great book. I finished it last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it. More people should read it! It is a good analysis of why trans women are so demonised in western societies.

[Carolina1983]

1. I did not know since I was little (well I dreamed about being a girl and so on) but I never knew that I was a girl in a male body. Just until a few years ago I actually thought that all men wanted to look like women :S, it sounds daft now but that was what I thought.

2. I did enjoy plaing with boytoys when little.

3. I am still interested in not so girly things like airplanes and machines.

4. I look like a caveman.

5. I do not hate my penis and actually like to use it

6. I am attracted to girls only


Hmm thats about it I think.

[JohnnieRamona]

Carolina,
It sounds like you and I have a lot in common

[Natkat]

This is a question for everyone- trans men, trans women, everyone: What things about yourself make (or made) made you feel like you weren't trans and/or shouldn't transition? Today I'm 100% sure that what I want is to become a woman, but for a long time there were a lot of things about me that didn't fit the "transgender script" that I had in my head- and I thought that meant I  wasn't "really" trans. It took a lot of therapy for me to move beyond that mindset (and Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl helped me out as well). Here's some of the things that tripped me up:

-I didn't KNOW I wanted to be a girl from age 4 or 5 (I didn't know FOR SURE I wanted to transition until about 8 years ago).
-I wasn't obviously feminine as a child (though I wasn't super-duper macho either).
-I was (and am) interested in a lot of "male" things like football, sci-fi movies, video games.
-I was/am attracted primarily to women and enjoy having penetrative sex with them.
-I don't want to be overly "girly" after I transition.

Those were my hang-ups.. anyone else in similar circumstances? Or just want to share their stories?

im glad you bought up the topic,

My reason to been doubing had been.

1, I dont have childhood memories, I do think I was kinda boyish even when I also enjoyed girl things, and I remember claiming to be a guy a couple of times, But I donthave any memories of being felling like a boy or a girl, I remind like a stranger in my brain. So I cant say what I felt

2, I had been filled with questions like "what if it just a phrase" "what if you change your mind" "what if your not really a guy" those kind of things I cannot answer because I dont know what the future will be, and I dont know what makes me a guy.. scientise dosent even know that..

3, when I was a kid I was abused by a couple of guys, we where only few girls, I remember I felt it wouldnt had happent if I wasnt a girl and swore I never would be a girl again, I been blamming those for a long time, since I swore like that. I dont really feel sad about what did, it honestly wasnt so bad, But I feel stupid because I was one of the bullies and I did alot of stupid ->-bleeped-<- just to be smart, and in the end I was seen as the same way as my female friend who never dared anything.

4, I am not anything like a maculine guy, I like being femenine, and I look femenine, I feel alot of trans guys are like ment to pass, But not me.. -__- even when I do something masculine I still look so horrible femenine.
I dont like being macho but I hate it.

5, I once took some gender test on the brain and it always say my brain is queal male and female,
I use to think its kinda logical because I am a femenine guy and I like guys, and bla bla, but on the other hand it also got me kinda worried because if I am as female as male then why cant I just stay female, it would be so much more easy?

It not like I hate girls, I cant really relate to girly girls But tomboys are SO awsome, I dont understand why I cant just be a tomboy but for some reason it dosent really seam okay..
I just get unhappy when people say I am a girl, when people call me girl pronouces, and so, it all makes me very depressed, and when people say I am a guy I gets very happy, I dont know why I am felling like this,
I just wanna do whats make me happy, and So far I have been way more happy as male than female,
when I get unhappy its because of transphobia problems, or because people say im a girl =(

[JohnnieRamona]

Natkat,
It's more common than you'd think to be a trans man and still express femininity. If you haven't yet, google "femme ftm" and you'll see what I mean. Heck, some trans men end up enjoying crossdressing as women (I've dated a couple of trans guys who did that).

The knowledge that there is no single "right" way to be a man or a woman (or just a person) is very liberating. I don't want to escape one prison of gender norms just to walk into another, you know?

[Alexis]

For a long time what made me feel like I shouldn't transition was other people. That I would be a disappointment to everyone in my life. Not only that but that I would be an embarrassment. I was also worried about success and also really worried about passability. I felt like I wanted to transition the whole time, but I had hopes for a while that I would be able to get by without it. I never had any doubts about myself and who I was, but I did doubt wether or not I'd be able to make it.

[Gretchen]

Drugs and alcohol, and soon as I stopped both I transitioned.

[Dawn Heart]

For a long time what made me feel like I shouldn't transition was other people. That I would be a disappointment to everyone in my life. Not only that but that I would be an embarrassment. I was also worried about success and also really worried about passability. I felt like I wanted to transition the whole time, but I had hopes for a while that I would be able to get by without it. I never had any doubts about myself and who I was, but I did doubt wether or not I'd be able to make it.

This also describes me at times. I sorta have this roller coaster going on whereby I start feeling braver and tell myself I have to be me, and no one else has anything to say about it...then the feelings you described set-in, Alexis.

My more reasonable mind says that your Elenor Roosevelt quote in your signature fits this scenario quite well.

[pretty]

I don't have any doubts like that... my only doubts are related to what other people think of me (they won't get it/they'll hate me/they'll feel let down).

There's no way I could feel "not trans" though. I'd pretty much have to never interact with anyone to feel that way. Everything I do every day and every second of interaction with the world is a constant reminder of why I need to transition for my mental sanity. And there was never a time where I felt "yea, actually maybe I fit in with boys right now."

Idk, to me that sounds like doubting that the sky is blue. I would have to be totally insane to ignore all the issues and the anguish this stupid condition has caused in my life thus far.

[Alexis]

This also describes me at times. I sorta have this roller coaster going on whereby I start feeling braver and tell myself I have to be me, and no one else has anything to say about it...then the feelings you described set-in, Alexis.

My more reasonable mind says that your Elenor Roosevelt quote in your signature fits this scenario quite well.

Those feelings held me back for far too long. They wore me down though, and some pretty big things happened in my life, and that finally got me moving on the right track

And I really like that quote too

[Whatever91]

1) I can't relate to a lot of other transsexual's experiences. Although i lived a very girly childhood, when i got to about 6 i was forced into things like football, shooting, fishing and cars. I was too far deep in denial and confusion, i never really thought about my issues. In fact it's only been until the last few years until I've become self-aware. I'm unable to say I've always thought i was a girl, because i haven't. Will i fail the GID assessment?:S I dont know.

2) Not passing, is my big reason I guess. I don't want to be a super-model, don't even care about being good looking, but i would like to pass. I want to be seen female, and not as a man in drag. I'm self-conscious already, so i'm not sure if i could cope with extra eyes and judgement. I'm quite big too, 6ft1, big feet, big hands. Not going to help the cause! >.<

3) Family, Admittedly there is only about 3 people i'm actually bothered about. But if i lose them due to this, it will hit me hard. It's not even losing them which bothers me that much, it's disappointing them which is a massive fear of mine.

They are the 3 main reasons

[RAY]

For a long time what made me feel like I shouldn't transition was other people. That I would be a disappointment to everyone in my life. Not only that but that I would be an embarrassment. I was also worried about success and also really worried about passability. I felt like I wanted to transition the whole time, but I had hopes for a while that I would be able to get by without it. I never had any doubts about myself and who I was, but I did doubt wether or not I'd be able to make it.

I agree its hard enough to accept yourself when others judge you to the old self not the you  that is wanting to surface. To breath as the true self you need to be. Fear to not look like a female with being accept as one is the greatest fear I face.

[CrisatSbux]

While I'm still sorting it all out, for the most part it is as follows
1) I love my wife more than anything, when I go through with this what does that make me? or her? Lesbian, hetero, whatever
2) What will my family think when I finally do it? I'm not sure I could take being just cut off, even if they are crazy conservative hellfire-Baptists
3) That terrible little voice in my head telling me "You'll never be accepted"

[Brent123]

1. Fear of hurting/destroying my family. I'm not sure I'll come through transitioning with the same relationships I have now.

This one is a biggy for me too 

I doubt it when my girlfriend plays with my chest during sex and I enjoy the feeling (its the only time I don't mind having breasts)

I doubt it when I think about how my parents will react. The already hate that I'm a "lesbian." I try to convince myself that I don't want to transition and that works for a while. But after that wears off I feel much worse about myself then the time before that and it gets worse every time..

I doubt it when I think about having children. I want to have my own and have even discussed it with my girlfriend.

I've acted "girly" in the past. I enjoyed wearing dresses as a child but I was also what you would call "one of the boys." I only discovered that I want so desperately to be a boy within the past two years over researching.

I've been having a lot of highs recently but when I'm low I'm really low..