So, I figured this would be a good place to go and state the predicament I'm in here.
I...don't know where to start. The whole coming out matter looms like the edge of a cliff, and I can't see the bottom of the drop-off beneath it.
Ever since I was small, I had some issues with gender. I was the little ballerina who dug for worms in the park and owned too many science encyclopedias to count. Playing House with the other girls was out of the question; I was always busy either playing with the boys or buried in a book. But I always wore a pink tutu on Saturdays, and fairy wings over my coat (much to the dismay of my father).
I even had some moments that spoke loud and clear, like when a close friend of mine asked me if I was a boy or a girl. When I gave the response of, "I'm not sure," the friend was perfectly fine with it. My mother, who had been there the whole time? Not so much.
See, I've grown into myself a little more since then. The contrast between the male and female aspects of my character transformed into a male personality, acting just barely feminine in order to avoid suspicion that I simply couldn't deal with at first. Over time, it has become nearly impossible to continue this act, and the act of putting on a dress was enough to bring me to tears of frustration within the little privacy offered by my bedroom. I would like nothing more than to tell everything to my parents, to explain the reasons why I can't be a pink-loving, dress-wearing little girl. I am currently pre-everything, but without any kind of hormone treatment, my voice has changed quite noticeably from the delicate soprano it was not too long ago. The current range is somewhat defined under contralto, though it has the ability to go lower that the bottom limit giving to said voice range. I marveled in this newfound ability to sing some of my favorite songs without breaks in the singing, but reaching that low A in Going to California came with the price of even more disappointment from my mother, who just wants me to be her little girl again.
For some reason, my body has gone through a few physical changes that reflect my mental gender, including a sudden broadening of my shoulders from a fairy-like build to something resembling a football player's around the age of 10. Various endocrinologists have seen me; I don't have PCOS or any hormone disorders that we have found. Aside from some lingering health issues relating to sinuses and the like, there is nothing wrong with me, yet my body has become increasingly masculine. Unfortunately, this is contrasted by the fact that my (fluctuating for some reason) height rests around 4'9", and while I've been told I have time to grow, this hasn't happened in something over six years. All these factors have caused my mother to despise my body as it currently is.
Just today, she was discussing this with me. It came up with me voicing complaint over my father's denial of his inability to sing high notes, which led to her telling me that he had said that I no longer could sing them, either. I admitted this, and tried to explain to her that my vocal chords appear to have undergone some changes I had no control over, informing her that my voice cracks often (something she would realize if she spoke to me more). This made her ask what my range was, and I felt ridiculed as her shock deepened that it was not mezzo-soprano, and not even alto. It was as if I had told her that I had failed a test. My hopes for easing into telling her were dashed as the conversation continued, with her asking if I was becoming a boy, since that's what I seem to want.
I just want to not feel accused of being trans. I most certainly am, and it hurts to have my own mother horrified of the possibility. Throughout my life, in many ways, I have ignored my own feelings in order to protect other people. When it comes to the matter of gender, it is starting to affect my very well-being by holding this secret and feeling shamed for showing signs of it. My father is an extremely belligerent person, and our relationship is terrible, to say the least. I have received various forms of pain from each of my parents, with one of my father's outbursts actually resulting in visits from CPS for a period of time. The hurricane has put us in the highly tense situation of living together in a small apartment, to the point where I am actually sharing a bed with my father. Living with them all under the same roof has caused things to boil over, and the stress put on me between forcing myself to be "feminine" enough and dealing with their constant arguments is taking a toll on me.
My thoughts were that it would be a lot easier to start with friends...a class would be ideal, but rumors can spread like wildfire, and I share the building with some rather nasty people. It is also entirely possible that it could get back to my parents, and my mother has been itching to find a reason to make me see a therapist and get some "magic pills"to make me behave the way she wants.
There is also my significant other, who has claimed to love me no matter what. I'm afraid to tell him anything at all, though he is aware to a minimal extent that I have gender problems. He is the person I trust the most... and yet I haven't even been able to reveal the whole truth to him about who I am. My greatest fear is losing him because of my inability to explain this, or even worse, his inability to take it seriously. I can't even tell him out of fear that he really won't be able to accept it, so how can I even start to do this with parents whom I know won't even try to?
I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has some words of wisdom on the way to go about this with the least amount of damage possible. I don't want to hurt anyone else, but it seems like that is impossible if I am to free my caged self in the real world, as opposed to the freedom I have hidden behind a computer screen.
Any advice at all would mean the world to me. These words come from my heart out of desperation; I am rapidly approaching the end of my rope in this situation.
