Telling parents

[castlescout]

I'm in a little more of a predicament than most of you.  I'm an MTF transsexual, I haven't done anything about it yet, because I'm only in my late teens, and thus, before I can even talk to a therapist, I have to tell my parents. I haven't done this yet. I've been browsing these forums for a few weeks, and you all seem like very sensible people with a lot more experience than I have, and I wanted to ask your advice on two things.

1. When should I tell my parents? Should I tell them now, or try to wait until I am 18? I've only consciously known that I was transsexual for about six months, and I'm beginning to feel depressed... Though nowhere near suicide or self-mutilation, I assure you!

2. How should I tell my parents? They are conservative, republicans, and very devout Christians. I'm worried about how they'll react, although my worst fear is that they'll take me in for mental therapy to try and force the mind to fit the body. I don't think it's in them to reject or disown me.

And lastly, on a completely unrelated subject, (as I'm just curious, and I know this is very definitely a YMMV issue, but here goes) How long did it take for your female voice to become "natural"? I mean, when did it become the voice you defaulted to, when did it become so that you used it without thinking?

That's all I have to ask. I read the rules, and I apologize in advance if I missed anything. This is my first post. 🙂

[Constance]

Welcome, castlescout.

When to tell your parents is a tough question to answer. Waiting could be advantageous, but do you have a plan for what you might do if they react poorly?

My parents are also conservative Catholics. The advantage I had was that I didn't come out until I was 41. There weren't any negative side-effects I was really facing. I was emotionally prepared to be disowned. This preparation proved unnecessary. So, just because they're conservative, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll reject you. In a way, that ties into your first question.

My father has been telling anti gay, queer, and trans* jokes for decades. So, it was a surprise to me when he seemed to accept my transition so readily. But, my age probably had something to do with it, too. Being able to say that for about 35 years I've felt something was wrong kind of helped drive the point home.

I told my parents with a letter that I mailed to them. I figured that if they were reading about this while I wasn't there, my whole message could get out without any interruptions and it would allow them time to think before they spoke with me about this. I'm guessing you still live with them, so maybe leaving a note for them while you're on your way out (like to school or something) could be one way to do this.

As to my femme voice, I can't really say I know how long it took before it became a habit. It's still imperfect, as I'm usually misgendered over the phone. But, at this point, I have to think about how to sound "like a man" while talking. I've been full time since September 2011, and it was probably a few months ago when I noticed that I don't know hot to reflexively use my "David" voice anymore.

[Cindy]

Hi catlescout,

Welcome to your new family

You are very welcome.

Peoples reactions are quite unpredictable, when I came out to my parnts I ws 13 and it went down very badly, that was many yrs ago. When I finally came out to friends, family and work there has been total acceptance. I thought I would have problems at work but everyone has been fine.

In your situation you need to be prepared for the worse. As Connie said what are your options if they do react in a very negative way? Are you an only child? Parents can be more accepting if you are the only child they have as they cannot 'transfer' their love to another.

From the threads I have seen here USA people do appear to be less accepting than people from some other countries, and there does appear to be a link to conservative religious beliefs. In Australia, where I am, religious beliefs are generally far less rigid and certainly there is nothing like the community religion that the USA appears to have.
So it make it difficult to judge what will happen.
I do suggest you print out material about transgender and GID, the Wiki articles at Susan's are an excellent starting point. One thing I and many of us forget is that we are very comfortable on gender issues, we have been aware and live in a world of gender issues, so for us it is natural to talk about them. Non-TG people can find it quite alarming, even if they try to be accepting. As a case in point I was visiting my sister and brother in law this morning and we had a chat over coffee. She was asking about my hormones and what dosage I was on and chatting about breast development etc, my brother in law, who has been and is totally accepting of me was obviously having problems with the discussion. It's a bit like talking about periods to a guy, they get all weird.

So your parents may be willing to accept you but feel very uncomfortable talking about it. This is were having printed information detailing the medical condition of ->-bleeped-<- could be useful.

You could also invite them to Susan's so that they can voice their concerns to us, many of us are very comfortable talking to people about such issues, and some times people meeting us can assure them that we are not some group of satanic devil worshippers. Just normal human beings with normal jobs living normal lives.

Hugs and keep in touch

Cindy

[Jamie D]

Castlescout, why would you have to tell your parents about your gender identity before seeking therapy?

I presume that you might be in college in the next uear or two, where you will quite likely have access to studrnt health services.

[castlescout]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

To Cindy; no, I'm not an only child, I'm actually the oldest of four. I think that might make a difference, as if anything does happen, it might be harder for my siblings and parents to adjust. Also, thank you for the idea of printed study material. Can you suggest any articles in particular?

To Connie and Tessa; I would rather tell my parents in person. It seems like that might be the smarter thing to do since I am still living with them, I think (knowing my parents) that they would have greater respect for me if I was able to tell them in person by myself.

To Jamie; Any way I could let my parents know that I need therapy, they would ask me why I needed it, and I refuse to lie to my parents. Something even as simple as that might very well complicate things later down the line when it gets really hard. I will (hopefully) be in college in a year or two, but my question was whether it would be better to wait until I'm out of the house where my family won't have to constantly adjust to certain things. I also think that the most I will get out of my parents (if I'm really really really lucky) will be hormones and voice training. I think they will probably be reluctant to let me do surgery will I'm still in their house, and I was wondering which you thought is more valuable: The increased freedom from being out of their house, or the possibility of the hormones working better from starting younger (even though I have no guarantee of hormones if I tell my parents before I turn 18)

Again thanks for the replies. Now I pose a different question: IF I were to approach my parents now, are there any suggestions as to how to tell them? "I'm a girl on the inside" just doesn't seem like it would be quite right.

[Constance]

Now I pose a different question: IF I were to approach my parents now, are there any suggestions as to how to tell them? "I'm a girl on the inside" just doesn't seem like it would be quite right.

That's a difficult question to answer.

Does your local library have the book "True Selves - Understanding Transsexualism - For Families, Friends, Coworkers, And Helping Professionals" by Mildred L. Brown? If so, maybe borrow it from the library and have it on hand when you come out.

If you feel that the direct way is not the way to go, maybe try to see how they react to a round-about discussion about gender identity. Perhaps an article about trans issues in the news could be a gateway to the conversation.

[Kelly J. P.]

 At the voice thing... I don't know. It could have been six or so months of use that did it for me. I still have the occasional trouble at home with getting it to sound all sweet and high, but I always default to it out in public. Not really sure what that's about, but it's nice that I don't have to worry about it when I'm with other people.

As far as coming out... well, I think you should do it as soon as you can, but mostly because I don't see the point of putting it off. If things go badly, you could probably get out of it by saying it was some sort of phase, or insanity, or Satan, or whatever... but if it goes well, then you gain a lot.

🙂

[WholeNewDrew]

Ahhh... Memories... I'm young myself, and told my parents right around the 6 month mark. I'm the second oldest of 4, and my only sister being the youngest. I had my best friend over to help me keep on topic as I told them. She'd always been super supportive, so it definitely helped me out. My mom later told me that she'd have liked it better if I'd just told her off handedly. I sat them down in the kitchen and straight up told them that I was transgender, no ifs/ands/or/buts about it. It wasn't easy, my mom walked out of the room crying, but she got better quickly. I'm in therapy now, but it took a lot of pushing on my part to do it. My mom still doesn't believe me, she thinks I'm just confused, but we all know that it isn't as simple as that. My family isn't extremely religious- I'm agnostic myself- but the Bible doesn't say anything about transgender people. Your parents may seem to think so, but I'd remind them that the Bible only targets gays, people who eat shellfish and seafood, and people that wear polyester 😛 If you need to talk to someone going through pretty much the same thing, send me a message whenever!

[cindianna_jones]

While I usually recommend telling your family as soon as possible, I don't know that I can in this case. Why? I went through this under similar circumstances. My family was and is very fundamentalist. My folks and sibs came around well enough but it took a while. And in between that time, it was hell. I wasn't a teenager either. That throws a bit of a wrench in the gears.

I will recommend that you put your priorities in order, however. The biggest single challenge we all face is the tremendous expense transition entails. You must go to college or get other training so you can earn enough money to do this thing. What are your educational prospects? Can you do it on your own? Are your parents planning to send you to college? These are questions you must seriously ask yourself. I know the biological clock is ticking and you are worried about what the T is doing to you. I completely understand. I just pose these ideas for you to consider.

I would not ever advise anyone to throw caution to the wind and follow your dreams. Your dreams will not pay the bills later in life. Yes, there is life after transition, and the bills are harder, not easier to pay when you are working as a woman.

In any case, tread lightly, make good decisions based on your goals and priorities, and welcome to Susans!

My best, and chin up!

Cindi