Yesterday I was at a department store with my mother and we were looking at computer desks and I couldn't help but notice there was a person who was wearing female clothing, jewelry and hair but she was angular and moved in a her-key-jerky manner. Instead of flowing she was erratic and seemed a little too speedy. She moved like a mechanical cowboy on crack. Her face was ruddy and she had massive beard shadow.
The woman she was with was by contrast, flowing, calm, demure and her movements were gentle and non-threatening. I assume this was her wife.
On the other hand the first lady had my sirens and alarms going off. I wanted to get away from her as soon as possible. She came over to me like she was examining me, trying to size me up and determine if I was trans. I felt panicky and I was already thinking to myself that this woman was a threat to my existence. I felt an urge to smack her in the face with my elbow. Instead I tried to keep my back to her and tried to get my mother to move along without saying anything about the situation.
Later we were at the checkout and I wanted to use the self checkout because there was only one register open and there was already a line and the her-key-jerky mechanical cowboy woman was next in line right behind us. I asked my mother if we could please use the self checkout instead of waiting in line. The register clerk was saying something on the phone about finding an item for a price check and I knew nothing was going to happen any time soon, the store was dead.
My mother informed me that she never uses self check outs because it is against her ethics. She mentioned how using self check outs makes it so fewer Americans have jobs, etc. Then she sees the unusual woman behind us and pushes me towards the self check out saying I could do it for her.
I know that we are supposed to fall allover ourselves to be a friend and to avoid thinking any uncomplimentary thoughts of anyone who is trans. But the incident reminded me of how many bizarre, scary people I met years ago at support meetings. Transition was a very difficult, uncomfortable (at times) awkward time in my life (like a second puberty) and I am so glad to be on this side of it. Finished and able to integrate somewhat.
When I was in the store with the trans person (I assume she was trans of some sort) probably a very late transitioning M2F or crossdresser, I just felt very... vulnerable. She seemed to be trying to size me up so she could tell her wife I was trans or maybe come out and ask me. The last thing I need is someone new who can point me out in a crowd and tell people, "She is trans."
So does that make me a bad person? Was it wrong for me to have these feelings and to react this way? Was it wrong of me to write about my experience?
