aaaaghhh

[Carbon]

so I haven't died but my summer job is so hard, they make us work like 12 hours a day. it's been 7 days a week for the past week and a half but today was my first day off, now I get a day off every week. I also live in a group environment and there is no privacy. I'd rather not say what my exact job is if I haven't already but yeah. it's also gender segregated and I miss interacting with women so much and I find "male habits" getting reinforced that I had been doing less of, like my speaking voice is deeper. living with a bunch of men isn't as bad as I thought it would be although I still don't like it. wish I could work with the women but would they even accept me?

I want hormones so much though. I was looking into a couple informed consent places before I started my job and I just have no time now. there is one place that is mostly private but I was afraid of someone overhearing me, I just don't care now. I am going to call the places. even if the worst possible thing happens it will still be worth it if I can get hormones. I'm looking into two places, one would be great but I'm not sure if they'll accept me because of income requirements (my income qualifies but I'm also a legal dependent since I'm a college student and more than half my income comes from parents). also they stipulate "no one with insurance," BUT my insurance specifically doesn't cover anything related to gender identity issues and I just want the transgender clinic. I have to at least check before giving up.

the second place is further away. they have income requirements that basically mean it could be really cheap if they don't count my parents and they don't say no insurance, they just say if your insurance doesn't cover it. mine doesn't. even if it's not cheap I might be able to afford it for no insurance depending on how often they do check ups. I also do not drive so I would have to take the bus to another city but at least there is an express bus route that is cheap. I couldn't do it more than once a month and once a month would be pretty hard (but still worth it).

when my job finishes I will be able to start therapy again. I'm hoping he'll be willing to write "the letter" if neither place covers it. He is in a different city than I go to school in but maybe I could see him a couple times before school and then once a month for the next month or too and that might count as long enough/enough times.

I also find myself warming up to certain things I felt weird about like breast development. I used to dislike the idea of it when I was younger, but I'm not sure if that was just "avoid anything that is not manly or you're a terrible person" thing. I was ambivelent for the last couple years but now I'm starting to like the idea. I know there will be problems with it but I'll be able to handle them and I have at least one or two female friends who can help me.

I'm also starting to like the idea of laser treatment for beard more. I want to start it at the same time I start hormones. Some people would say go ahead and do laser but I have limited time and resources and I want hormones NOW. my plan is to "come out" to my family once I start hormones and to other people once I'm ready to start transition. I want to give hormones/laser 8-12 months as a maximum. no idea how my family would react.

even starting to feel like I might like SRS. I feel like it would bother me a lot more if everything else was in place. like it is so not my most pressing problem (just for me personally!) and if I had the resources and money for it, is that the best way I could improve my life? so the dysphoria is still not strong like many of the people here. but maybe someday...

anyway that's what I've been up to. stuff is hard but not harder than what many of the people here have to deal with. 

"it's the hard knock life,
for us..."

the job is my first job (I'm disabled) so I just have to get through it and I'll have more choices. hoping to get something that is easier or pays more and either way they respect me more. I should be able to do it. if I start hormones that brings a whole different dynamic into play. job discrimination based on gender identity is illegal now, but in this state I'll be legally male unless/until I get SRS which is just not going to happen in the next 2-4 years. when I finish school maybe I can move to a better state in regards to that, I planned to leave anyway.

this feels kind of bloggy but you know.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi carbon,
It's funny how your brain starts to remap itself even before hormones, isn't it? These thoughts and feelings you are developing continue along the way until your are finally the person you were destined to be. So stay open to them and they'll take you a long way.

Keep up the studies and they will determine how the rest of your life will come together. And although you may be segregated into a male dominated area at the moment,just remember they don't own your mind and spirit. In every available moment you are not on duty is YOUR time

Many successful post war POW's attribute their success to visualising over and over again, during their captivity, the steps they were going to take to achieve their success. You too can do this and be an absolute winner.

Keep up the mighty effort, and let us know how you are coping.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Carbon]

thanks.

thinking about things more living with men has probably actually been pretty bad and I just haven't been sexually assaulted or something, so my standard for men might be pretty low. I did eventually end up talking to my supervisor and she was upset that people were joking about raping people so I've ended up feeling a bit safer. And in the near future for unrelated reasons I'm going to be living/working with different people and will be partnered directly with a different man here. I'm not extremely familiar with him but from what I do know he is a very responsible and considerate person.

He's also one of the gay men who works here- for some reason there is a bunch- and I feel like that's a good thing to the extent that it matters at all. If I had the choice of living with two men and the only thing I knew about them is that one of them was gay I'd go with the gay person just on the premise that gay people are less likely to be allowed to have "male entitlement" to the extent of most straight men.

Unrelated to that is that I have made friends with one of the women who works here which is really great and I've gotten to have a few conversations with a couple more of them. I think when I get back to school I'm going to make an effort to take part in some female dominated pursuit that I'm interested in like baking or something because it just helps me a lot.

"It's funny how your brain starts to remap itself even before hormones, isn't it? "

It really does feel that way. Objectively I feel like just thinking about things can't change that much, but even my physical sense of my body seems different than it did a couple years ago.