Introduction and also uh, what is happening?

[veryveryconfused]

Hi there,

I've been lurking this board for a while. Anyways, I've gone through all the usual motions through my childhood it seems with cross-dressing, wishing I wasn't a male, etc. Recently I've started going to therapy and I'm out to my wife and some family. I, up until an hour ago, have fully accepted that I was transgendered.

The reason I say up until and hour ago is because one minute I'm laying in bed, crying over losing my wife (as an inevitability which we both have discussed), she goes out of the room, and I don't know what happened, but it just seems like all this is just...gone. I'm sure I'm just in some denial, as my week has been very tear filled, but what does that mean? Is this a normal part of the process? My therapist just a week ago told me that I fit being transgendered to a T (no pun intended), and I, at no point was misleading my answers to validate if I was TG or not. I mean, earlier today I was wishing so hard to still be a woman, and now it's just a passing thing. I'm not diagnosed with any bipolar and have never experienced behavior like this before.

And so now I'm very,very, confused about all of this. Am I just experiencing some PTSD like denial phase or was it just some weird culmination of childhood thoughts and balancing between what I could lose/gain, and realizing that being whole isn't as important as losing what I have? Did I just turn into a coward?

So hi, I read your boards and enjoy them, and now I'm very lost at this moment.

[Bexi]

Hi

I think its kinda what you described - a mixture of denial, loss against gain (family/your own identity) and maybe also calm: you've done the hard part and now you can wholly concentrate on your journey of becoming who you always knew you were.

Personally, I think its this commitment to the many years spent transitioning, the various difficult conversations and choices that we have to make that really test us and build us into better people for it.

I'm really sorry for how things went between you and your wife but I'm also glad that you're starting off in your journey with no more lies to yourself  I hope you find happiness and if you ever need info/support/chitchat then this is the place to be.

Stay strong
X

[V M]

Hi 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[Devlyn]

Hi hon, welcome to Susans! What can we call you, we are going to get you past the confused part. I am the Boston representative, self appointed, of course. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi there,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. You are experiencing the typical roller coaster ride this journey often entails. Perhaps you may be right with the PTSD, as depending how long you've been in relationship with your wife, will have a major bearing on your feelings at this point in time.

Don't be surprised if this 'confusion' lasts a few days. After all it is a mighty shock to anyones system. Don't worry about the tears either. They come as part of the journey as well. I'm entering my tear ducts in the next Olympics. I reckon I can wash a stadium out in under the minute.

Keep in touch, particularly over the next few days and let us know how you are coping. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

What can we call you, we are going to get you past the confused part. I am the Boston representative, self appointed, of course. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn is also the Australian Charge d'Affair complete with Visa. (That's the traveling one of course, not the credit card) So if you want to come over to Oz, see Devlyn Marie. Just beware, she may want to brand you first 

[Jamie D]

Hi there, "veryveryconfused."  If you have been reading the boards, then you know you are not alone.  Few of us start out totally sure of where we are, or where we are headed.

[Cindy]

Hi and welcome,

Being confused is pretty well constant until we can accept what is happening. I'm so sorry about your wife and also must be very confused.

You are not only finding yourself but also losing a major part of your life.

Knowing this is sometimes a validation of ourselves, how can we put ourselves through such terrible decisions unless we are 'real'.

Keep posting and talking, it is the only way. You are with family now and we understand.

Cindy, another Aussie.

[justmeinoz]

Aussie Sheila #3 here.  Hello and welcome aboard.

Confusion will come and go at the start and will diminish with time.  Sorry to hear your wife couldn't stay with you on your journey, your feelings for her will follow the usual stages of denial, anger, sadness etc like any other relationship ending.  There is some of  that  in the ending of your old identity as well.  You will learn you can cope with a lot and end up mentally stronger than you could have imagined. True, we all have bad days, but we are warrior women and strong.

There are a lot of us in Susan's family, so you are not short of support.

Karen.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi there,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7514  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.


Janet 

[veryveryconfused]

Thank you all so much. It has been quite the roller coaster for me the past few months and especially since coming out last week. It's a lot of feelings that I don't know what to make sense of and I feel comfortable already knowing this community is here. It's conflicting that this journey will bring sadness and joy, and it's just so hard to see the joy with so many unknowns, but I guess I'll get there.

Letting go is the first step, and after a breakdown of epic mental proportions (first post...and at home where I started bargaining that I could just forget this all ever happened and live happily), it seems I'm just still deconstructing and restructuring who I am again.

What can we call you, we are going to get you past the confused part.

I'll go with Michelle for now, since that's what my mother told me she would have named me.

Thank you all.

[Devlyn]

Michelle it is then! Hugs, Devlyn