Hey all, I'm currently 21 and a half, studying full time at uni and about to embark on an epic adventure it seems (:
I was born male, but always felt like I didn't really fit the gender stereotypes and I can remember as early as 6 running off to play with the girls as if I was one of them. Thanks to overworrying teachers and my mother this didn't last long and I was instructed to make friends with the other boys in my class..
Apart from small things like that it was pretty much an unexciting childhood, I was always just that little bit socially awkward and just a little bit bullied. Skipped a year at the end of primary school as well which didn't do much good for my social status.
Towards the end of highschool and for a few years after I've pretty much been closed off emotionally to most others and quite distant. A good way of describing it would be a constant state of mild depression.
Unfortunately despite how much my mother loves me she never really understood how I was feeling and now several years after moving out its like she barely knows who I am..
Alongside what's previously mentioned was always the feeling and the wish that I was female, just about everyday and I kept smushing into the back of my mind dismissing it as a rediculous idea. About a week ago I was discussing with my boyfriend about finally seeing a therapist and beginning to sort things out, and at one point he asked me exactly what I would say when I first walk in and they want to know what I would like to get out of the visit.
My response without even thinking was "to find out who I really am, and then to learn how to become that person" because I was sick of feeling disconnected, like I was a bystander in someone else's life.
As soon as I said this, something clicked inside my head saying all those thoughts I was repressing could very well BE the real me, and it deserves some attention.
2 days of barely being able to sleep and thinking about absolutely nothing else followed.. and I began researching a LOT about gender identity disorder and transgenders etc. I haven't yet had my therapist appointment (which is 10.5 hours from now btw) but it already feels like a whole new world. I've stopped myself from being self conscious about how masculine I appear to others, stopped myself from actively hiding my emotion and truly accepted how great the people are in my life that care about me. A few weeks ago I would have felt extremely uncomfortable when anyone asks if I was in a relationship, but as of now I can gladly say yes and he is male.
Being the extremely emotionally intuitive guy that he is, he's been great at helping me sort out most of the smaller emotional and psychological issues I have and even guessed that I was thinking about GID without me ever mentioning it to anyone. Being literally my most guarded secret my whole life it was a little surprising when he suggested it merely days after I had considered it myself.
So now I just have to wait until morning, turn up to my appointment and get some professional advice on whether this is real or not.
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Chris
