Coming out to family and close friends

[sfgeek]

Last night I told my sister.  I knew before that she'd accept me, at least on the surface; I'd told her something a couple years about thinking I was a feminine man, and she said whatever I decided she'd accept it and always love me.  So I reminded her of that conversation, and things went from there.

Good thing I told her first, as she was overwhelmed by my revelation--partially because of it, but partially because of recent losses to our family that just make it one thing too much to maybe handle (which is how I'm feeling too, except I can't not handle this right now along with everything else).  I am giving her space to recover, then we'll talk more.  I'm anxious about how she'll take it in the short term, and have big hopes for the long term.  Probably bigger hopes that I should have . . .

I am trying to figure out who else I'll tell right now.  I'm waiting for my sister's advice for who to approach in the family, but I have close friends I'd like to talk to about it.  Trouble is, all of them are in other cities, and we hardly talk anymore--still care about each other, but just live distant lives.  I could see some freaking out, maybe, and I know no one closely here, just have business contacts.

Recommendations on approaching my friends?

[Dawn Heart]

On approaching your friends....

I have had wonderful, supportive bunch behind me. Recently, I read an article here: http://danibradburycomingout.blogspot.co.uk/
This is well written, well thought out, and presents some wonderful insights for everyone.

[Jillieann Rose]

Here is an email letter I wrote to members of my family.
Can work for friends too with minor changes.

***,
I am prayerfully writing this letter to you and after you have read it I plan on calling. Also I will be writing your sister a similar letter.
*** you know that I love you and I need to share my thoughts, what has and is happening in my life.
I am in counseling with a clinical psychologist and have been going every week now for well over a month. She diagnosis me as having Gender Identity Disorder and has helped me with much of my depression. (GID) Gender identity disorder is a conflict between the physical gender and the mental gender.  I have so much anxiety over this physical gender that is has caused allot of mental suffering and depression.

It is now accepted by reputable professionals in the field that Gender Identity Disorder stems from a physiological (Biology dealing with the functions and activities of living organisms and their parts, including all physical and chemical processes.) cause, and is in no way a mental illness, perversion or 'lifestyle choice'. The consensus of opinion is that gender identity is determined before birth and is unchangeable thereafter.

I spent many years trying to be the perfect 'son', the perfect 'big brother', the perfect 'man', the perfect 'husband' and the perfect 'father'.
But I was never really able to do it and always felt like a phony.
I have been a coward and would not even admit to myself that something was terrible wrong. The pain, shame and guilt has been stuffed down deep inside from everyone around me. My action have been cowardly and for years I have been afraid to admit, even to myself, that something was terrible wrong.
Oh, how I prayed and prayed for this thing to go away, I needed my life to be right; needed to be what the Lord wanted me to be.
I wanted a way out. But it never came.
I Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out, so you can stand up under it."
So when I went through Christian counseling session a few years ago I though that the Lord was answering my prayers.  I stopped struggling, believed that the Lord would make me into the man I couldn't make myself into. 
Instead of Him giving me a man's heart there was just silent in this issue. After a few months the days became very dark when I realized that I had only fooled myself. 

As time went on hiding the fact that I'm a woman inside became unending torture and so unbearable that, on more that one occasion, I wanted to end it all, not to go on or wanting to shame you or hurt your mother anymore.

I still believe I Corinthians 10:13 is true.
The Lord began to speak to me about being what He had created me to be. To have the faith and courage to become all that He wanted me to be. And that He would never leave or forsake me. After many years of praying for Gods direction I now have come to realization that I have to transition and become the woman that I am inside.
To get any kind of real relief from my gender dysphoria, that is my anxiety, depression. I have two choices; to physically, as much as possible, become a woman, that is to have sex reassignment surgery, or die. That's not much of a choice.
Since I started transitioning I've come to know what it is like to live, to feel alive and finally to become a whole person. My self esteem has gone from a 1 to an 8. I can no-longer pretend to be something, or someone, I'm not.
I have written a similar letter to my sons.

It is my prayer, my hope, that you will still accept me as your sibling, as your older sister and that I will still be a part of your life.
It is not okay if you don't but ...
What I am trying to say is that it will leave a large void and while you may close me off, my love and my heart will always be open to you.

Jillieann

After a couple of days I phone them and I ask and answered questions.
Hope this helps.

[glicious]

Last night I told my sister.  I knew before that she'd accept me, at least on the surface; I'd told her something a couple years about thinking I was a feminine man, and she said whatever I decided she'd accept it and always love me.  So I reminded her of that conversation, and things went from there.

Good thing I told her first, as she was overwhelmed by my revelation--partially because of it, but partially because of recent losses to our family that just make it one thing too much to maybe handle (which is how I'm feeling too, except I can't not handle this right now along with everything else).  I am giving her space to recover, then we'll talk more.  I'm anxious about how she'll take it in the short term, and have big hopes for the long term.  Probably bigger hopes that I should have . . .

I am trying to figure out who else I'll tell right now.  I'm waiting for my sister's advice for who to approach in the family, but I have close friends I'd like to talk to about it.  Trouble is, all of them are in other cities, and we hardly talk anymore--still care about each other, but just live distant lives.  I could see some freaking out, maybe, and I know no one closely here, just have business contacts.

Recommendations on approaching my friends?

This is clearly the first step in bringing out the courage you already have.  And this is a very important step in pushing everything behind to focus on yourself.  Your sister would thank you for it as time progresses, she'll be there to support, even if it's not right away she'll be there for you - that's what family is for

In terms of approaching friends, I think you will have to take a chance here.  Some are going to sit there and listen, and watch you as you tell them the most difficult and secretive thing about, some would cry with you, some would hold your hand and tell you that you are an important person in their life and that they'd be there all through.  However, some would simply ignore you, tell you that this is a bad path and God would punish you, or even worst start out small rumours that would spread and give you negative hopes.

The thing to remember is that despite everyone, you are a person, an individual that was brought into this world to be exactly who you are.  No matter what they say or do, be very proud of yourself, tell yourself that you're a strong person and that nothing can come in your way.  You are not only committed but determined to do this the right way

So arrange to meet the closest friend you have and tell him/her that you have something so personal to share and go with that.    A good friend will be there for you, no matter what.  Somehow my transition proved to me who my true friends are and you'll too will find out which ones to keep

[Cindy]

Glicious's post is wonderful and true.

I have to admit that everyone I have told has been totally supportive. If your friends cannot accept you, you do not want them as 'friends'.

Now a days I just tell them straight out, but then I'm pretty obviously out and about.

[glicious]

Now a days I just tell them straight out.

I honestly believe that's the best way.  One doesn't have to broadcast what or who they are, they're sexual preference and gender shouldn't come between friendship/s and if it does then I feel as thought the friendship will need evaluating. 

[Jillieann Rose]

I am glad for you Cindy.
My family is not accepting me.  One son has bared me from seeing his son and his family.
Both of my sisters think I'm crazy and the older one will not even talk to me.
My other children are embarrassed of me and have put restriction on seeing my Grandchildren.
My wife is divorcing me.
My friends, well a few have been very supportive.
At work I have been accepted with open arms by both the leadership and the people.
My church, no. They say I am sinning.
I now go to another church but will not tell them of my past.
So it has been a mixed bag for me.
I am sadden by my families reaction but I did know it was a possibility when I stared.
It is their lost.   

[glicious]

My friends, well a few have been very supportive.
At work I have been accepted with open arms by both the leadership and the people.

I think we're pretty similar in terms of support.  My sister who's overseas, decided to stop talking to me altogether.  I still have a nice connection with her children, my niece and nephew, except they don't know their uncle is and will always be their aunt.    This is going to be very eventful when I visit them at the end of this year.

Aren't you so delighted that things at work, worked out so well for you?  I feel that apart from home, work plays a huge part of you and disclosing your real self is an amazing achievement.  At the end of the day, you're an honest person Jillieann, you haven't done anything wrong, and I can only wish and hope that things with your family would turn out to be more easier.

In terms of friends, the ones who are supportive - they'll be there for you all the time

Take care,
G

[Cindy]

I'm sorry Jillieann,

I hope I didn't hurt you. You know I'd never do that deliberately.

In my case family are all mature. I'm sterile so we never had children.  My parents never accepted me but they passed away, sadly never accepting me. My surviving sister is in the UK and is OK with me but we will never see each other, she is terminally ill and my circumstance prevents me from visiting her, and I'm pretty sure I never want to go to the UK ever again anyway. The rest of my UK family I haven't spoken to in over 20 yrs, and they have made no attempt to contact me. Which is fine. My family in Australia, sister in laws and brother in laws have been fine and very accepting. Work has been a blast. 

I run a very high tech medical lab amongst other things, I had an engineer in today who has seen me several times and he made the comment that I'm the only guy he meets whose nail varnish matches their clothes.  So I asked if he noticed that the clothes were feminine, and he said yes I have but didn't think anything of it. So I told him I was TG undergoing RLE and changing my sex hormonally  and surgically. His reply was fairly typical. Wow, your the first TG person I've met, good on you, hope it all works out. Do you want to grab a coffee before I head off to Perth? (we usually have a coffee when he completed his repairs).

I seem to be blessed with acceptance and I'm happy to have it that way.  I'm also a very confident person and I think that helps because I'm not 'ashamed' or hesitant about myself. I don't push myself into people's faces, but I don't back down, and now a days I never hide.

Hugs

Cindy

[Dawn Heart]

Cindy,

I've noticed that more enlightened / accepting nature about people from the U.K. and Australia. Though, I know that some are like other people in the world in the sense of being more narrow-minded and rigid. I also know those people are in the minority. I think if we can save our relationships by honesty and education then it should be done. If not, and people just can't accept someone for who they are instead of sticking to centuries old thinking and behavior, then they can just go to hell. (sorry for the rough language, just giving my own two cents)

I like you Cindy, I like all of you to be honest. I think each of you has something valuable and special to bring into a conversation.

[glicious]

I seem to be blessed with acceptance and I'm happy to have it that way.  I'm also a very confident person and I think that helps because I'm not 'ashamed' or hesitant about myself. I don't push myself into people's faces, but I don't back down, and now a days I never hide.

That is the key Cindy, the idea is to just be yourself and accept yourself.  Once that part is taken care of you would feel that the rest just follows.  Personally I don't think there's any need to broadcast our TG status to anyone, because it's completely irrelevant, unless they're in a personal relationship with you or is someone important in your life and you feel that they must know.

[Jillieann Rose]

Glicious yes we do seem to have some of the same problems with our families.
Was at a family reunion this weekend. I did dress as a guy  .
Put my hair in a ponytail and up under a cap. Made me eyebrows bushy looking.
My sisters have made me promise that I would not tell mom and dad because my is not in good health.
When I went I figured the hardest part would be telling mom and dad about the divorce.
It was hard but the hardest part was my sisters.
One only would speak to me in response to something I said and it was very short.
The other sister did talk to me about things pertaining to the reunion but that was all.
My brother in law of this sister who spoke very little to me told me that he was praying for me for God's will. That is for reconciliation with my spouse and that I would repent and turn back.
I thanked him for his sincerity and said that I appreciate his prays for God's will for my spouse and me.
Before I was 5 miles away from the reunion my hair was down and I had taken off the sports bra and tee and put on a decent bra and top. I just couldn't wait to any longer. I put a little makeup on while driving and felt so much better.

Oh Cindy you did not upset me. I am happy for you. I just wish ... well that I would have had some family support. But I seem to be gaining friends. All my neighbors are seeing the new me in the yard at the beach talking to them when they are around.
I have been sharing with people at work when they ask.
And I am becoming more confident in who I am everyday. I have become an out going person were before I was very quite and alone. I do love who I have become.

[glicious]

Was at a family reunion this weekend. I did dress as a guy  .
Put my hair in a ponytail and up under a cap. Made me eyebrows bushy looking.

I can only imagine how awful it must feel.  You know, after hiding who I am for all these years, I cannot bring myself to hiding anything any more now.  But I do understand the social pressure and other implications it may have if you decide to go as yourself.  I can only hope that things would progress really well in terms of family support.

I have been sharing with people at work when they ask.
And I am becoming more confident in who I am everyday. I have become an out going person were before I was very quite and alone. I do love who I have become.

I am really happy to hear this, your work has now become a great base for you to be who you are and the fact that your whole personality is now naturally altered to suit you - it's magical

[Cindy]

Jillieann Rose posted

My brother in law of this sister who spoke very little to me told me that he was praying for me for God's will. That is for reconciliation with my spouse and that I would repent and turn back.
I thanked him for his sincerity and said that I appreciate his prays for God's will for my spouse and me.

You are a far better person than I. I would have told him what I thought of his excuse for a brain and that he was better of communing with cockroaches than pretending to be human.

To be brutally honest Jillieann, I really don't know why you want to associate with such morons. I know they are family and stuff but If they were my family I would just laugh at them and let them crawl back under their rocks.

You are a wonderful human being and you deserve to be treated and accepted for the woman you are.

To be subjected to such ignorance and hatred is a reflection of dysfunctional twerps and nothing to do with you.

Hugs and Love Sis

Cindy

[Jillieann Rose]

There is a theme running through the family. "Just be what we want you to be and everything will be fine." That line of thinking started with my wife then my children and now my sisters.
Others will never control me again.
Cindy I really did want to tell my brother in law and sisters where they can go. But I am still hope, overtime, I can win them back. Just call me optimistic. I may not like them now but my love for my family will continue.

Glicious I did hate wearing the clothing. I did it for the family. My parents in particular.

My sisters have made me promise that I would not tell mom and dad because my is not in good health.

And I do fear that dad would react as the rest of my family have.
In the long run my family looses. There being selfish and because of it will not to know the real me.
The me that I have hidden deep inside for way to long.

I am so thankful for my friends who continue to encourage and support me.

[justmeinoz]

Jilleann,  you are a lot stronger than me.  I could never go back to pretending to be a man, I honestly wouldn't know how.

All that seems to have happened to someone else a long time ago.   The moment I changed my name I realised I had stepped into a new world and could never return. 

On "Australian Story", ABC-TV doco series, tonight's story was on Beccy Cole, a country singer who has just come out publicly as a lesbian.  She did it to show her son that honesty is the best way to live.  He has known she was gay all his life, but she kept her sexuality hidden in response to career pressures.  Now that the story is out she apparently hasn't lost any of her true fans.  It  made me feel that I am doing the right thing.

I hope your family will eventually come to see that you are now living an authentic life, and accept  reality.

Karen.

[Jillieann Rose]

Karen,
I no longer pretend to be anything.
Just because I dressed in male clothing doesn't mean I acted like a male.
I am so done with any male charades.
If I had not been amount family I am sure that I wouldn't have passed as male because my looks and actions would give me away.
I still hated dressing like that and I found that it just doesn't feel right in fact it feels all wrong.
But sometimes you do strange things for your family.

Oh, my name change is in process right now. I really can't wait. Like you I will then be totally immerse in a new world.