Coping

[JohnR]

I can't find any resources for not giving in to your gender identity disorder. I've been on here for a while but under my preferred name but I can't allow myself to give in any more. I have my reasons. Please understand. Please help.

[Jamie D]

Thanks for staying with us John.  There are many here who have to delay, or defer, transition for any number of reasons.  Don't feel bad about it.

[MadelineB]

Hi JohnR,
Welcome back to Susans!

I am so sorry that you are suffering. What the current terminology refers to as "Gender Identity Disorder" is a lifelong condition if not treated, and it can cause tremendous pain. Many people who do not find the support and treatment they need, end up giving in to suicide or to self-destructive patterns to try to numb and hide the feelings they can not chose to stop feeling.

You asked for help in "not giving in" to your GID, and I feel your pain and frustration. The reason you haven't been able to find any resources on that subject, is in 60 years of trying the medical and psychological professions have not been able to find alternative treatments that work to alleviate GID. For those of us who suffer from it, the only way we can alleviate the pain and disruption caused by our gender dysphoria is to accept our true nature and to conform our outward life to our inward reality as much as possible, in a way that feels genuine and affirming to ourselves, and that fits our life circumstances.

For some that involves surgeries. For some that involves hormone therapy. For some that involves socially transitioning (living as a woman, or living as a man). For some that involves spending part of our days or part of our lives in the role of the gender that fits, and parts in the role of the gender we were assigned at birth. Every person has a unique life, and a unique path that is best for them, a path that may change over time.

You aren't alone, and I hope you come to find acceptance for the wonderful person that you are. There are many here who because of circumstances (or their own wishes and needs) have chosen to, or had to, find ways to give expression to their best selves  besides transitioning with or without hormones or surgeries.

I put off doing what I had to do for 30 years; the cost of burying my true self so that I could keep ignoring those feelings was more high than I can possibly describe. It almost killed me, and it deprived the people around me of my best nature and fullest capabilities for all of those years. I cannot recommend it.

If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her that all of the people I gave up myself to please, are happier now that I have transitioned. If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her that the religion I was born to has proven to not be the gift of God I thought it was, and its followers who I care about still accept me, even though that church never will. If I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her that my career is better because I am freed from the distraction of trying to be something I wasn't.

Many hugs, and just want you to know we are here for you whatever you feel you have to decide for yourself at this time in your life.
-MadelineB

[DeadBoy]

It  depends on what you mean by giving in. Is it transitioning or just expressing your inner gender? I can't transition (for reasons I don't want to get into), but I do express my masculinity although I'm not out. Doing small things to express your gender can help you cope. Personally I like to work out a lot and build muscle, it makes me feel better about my body. Maybe you could find something to do to express your inner femininity or to make you feel better about your body. As a mtf it could be laser hair removal or some beauty treatment.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi JohnR,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. After that wonderful introduction by Madeline, there is really nothing more to be said. She did a wonderful job in wrapping your existence up in a neat bundle.

Hope to hear more of your story in time to come,but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi John,

I also fought for a long time, like you.  And for a variety of reasons.  The best I can tell you is to find what you can do to refocus.  Most gender therapists are not trained to help us not transition, but maybe finding one to help with the depression that will come might help.

And always help a suicide hotline number for transgendered people handy.  Regular hotlines are not trained to help us.

And as one who has been there, AVOID drugs and especially alcohol.  And always feel free to talk to us.  Many here are transitioning late in life and we can help.

[JohnR]

Thanks everyone. I have suffered migraines my whole life and have a very high tolerance for drugs, I couldn't afford what it would take to take it away anyway. My parents were both borderline alcoholics and inherited a tolerance for that as well... I went to college with Captain Morgan; and left him there. Suicide defeats the purpose of getting to watch my daughter grow up. SOOOOooooooo, I'm just me. Stuck in my own self loathing prison as someone so eloquently pointed out. I'm not bitter about that by the way, I'm just acknowledging it. A friend and a few emails from here have suggested trying to find an in-between where I can allow Lana to exist on some inner level, but I'm not one for doing things half-assed. I was underdressing for a while but that led to make up and then outer dressing and blahblahblah and the truth of the matter is I just couldn't continue trying to be me in private and wanting to be me in public knowing 99.9% of the people I know had accepted me for me but the one that mattered the most, the mother of our daughter, couldn't. I've got 15 - 16 years before she flees the nest but for now I feel like she needs a mom and dad. Any ideas on finding a medium inside I can work with is appreciated. Hugs, me

[Devlyn]

Hi John, Madeline sure got it right, and stated it beautifully. All I can add is that everyone here cares and are always here for you. Hugs, Devlyn

[JohnR]

   Ok. So After conversing with a few of you and a few of my closest GGBFF's I decided I needed to let her back in a little and try to coexist with my inner me to a very low level. I won't advertise the name, but I renewed my profile on a social networking page and ten minutes later my SO left Lana a message saying "I thought yousaid you were going to get rid of this profile. Guess not." And apparently she reported the profile as fake, and got pissy all of a sudden. I was on my drab page and didn't see the message for a few minutes as I suspected she had seen something. All of my friends are in disbelief at her actions over the past year regarding this. I completely understand what she is feeling even though she says I don't. I know what emotions she is feeling and I know what they mean...So yes, I do. It would be different (at least I think so) if I knew about my GID before we were married and didn't tell her; but I discovered it afterwards and really only accepted it fully after a child. I purged a month ago, trying to be the good daddy and do the right thing for the family as a whole and well, most of you who read this will know how that went... So now, I'm reaching out...Any ideas on how to approach a compromise? Some way I can still keep a shred of me inside? For the last few days thinking about this has alleviated my headaches a little. I mentioned it to my Doctor in a visit for my daughter but need to schedule a visit for me. If she ends up tossing me out on my butt, I might see it later as a mixed blessing but I would really rather help raise my daughter. Fifteen years is a long time to try to ignore Lana. I've heard one of our sisters say they had "Pink" and "Blue" days but never got the opportunity to ask how that would work exactly. I don't think my SO would read anything I could come up with and would probably get defiant and not want to listen to me explain it. If she knew that 95% of the people we know, knows, she would likely have a coronary.       <<Just kidding   But seriously, anyone have any great ideas?  Thanks in advance... Lana Beckett, On the inside looking out...

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Lana,

Such a nice name too. There is one thing in life that is for sure. And that is we can change ourselves. That's about a far as it goes. Any attempt to change or please anyone else is doomed to failure if the other party(ies) are not willing to engage.

On the brighter side of life, I tend to believe you still have the power of mediation on your side. In other words there is still communications between yourselves for you to ask her what her needs/desires/wants for the relationship. Depending on the outcome of that will guide you to the next stage.

For your own protection, I might suggest you cease any social media interactions due to the uncontrollable public nature of the medium. Many things can be said that can, and will be taken out of context to your detriment. Furthermore if there is a risk of you being asked to go, I suggest you seek legal advice as to your standing in the matter, with respects to property and custody.

As for compromise, that's a matter that can really only be sorted out at a professional level. Between you and your gender therapist who can guide you to whatever compromise you can sustain. It's your call, as you have to be the one strong enough to be able to both do it, and sustain it. You've known Lana for 15 years, you know in your heart what she can do. Only you know that one.

Having come to whatever conclusion you arrive at there, you may still need professional mediation with your SO to determine what is viable and what is not, relationship wise.

I hope this helps in some sort of way. I believe it's a matter of knowing your feelings and trusting them. Something you may need to get very private and introspective about. Trust whatever happens is in your favour.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are feeling.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Josie M]

Wow, I think of all the times I convinced myself that I had to suppress Josie to "not be harassed" or "I was starting a family"......and so on....only to ultimately find out that suppressing this part of myself never really works.  Ultimately, you have to be yourself.  I'm no expert in this but my  experience has been that you have to find a way to integrate all aspects of yourself into a whole.

Expression doesn't have to mean transition, but I think it's ultimately healthier for you to find a way to let Lana out, maybe not as Lana all the time, but allowing aspects of her personality out...until you can integrate everything into an authentic whole.

....I hope this is helpful...I'm actually in a similar place myself, but that doesn't mean my journey is the same as yours.