Greetings from a confused entity

[Emmett]

H-hello there. @u@'

I'm posting here since I'm new to the site and basically have no idea what I am doing... ; A;
I'msobadatintroductionsOTL ;;

I'm a 24 year old biological female, 5'3'', petite, with slight AS symptoms that cause sometimes-crippling social anxiety, an eye for art and an affinity for animals and plants, pan-sexual in my affections and overall just a confused little derp.

Since I was a young child in grade school I have always been fascinated by the male body and wanted one. I grew up an only child under the care of two loving parents. I always used to ask my mom for boy's clothing because I found it comfortable and more to my tastes, but she usually tried to discourage me, sometimes humored me. My family is also very religious, and my mother especially tells me that God does not approve of homosexuality and gender modifications. But I just feel so empty and I sometimes hate my body, but I am not sure I can ever do anything about it without damning myself to Hell. I love my religion, I believe in it, but I am just so afraid, so, so afraid.

I never want to bear children, never want to feel a parasite inside of me, do not want to go through that experience. Because of my religion, I'm not supposed to use contraception. So...basically I feel as if I can never have sex if I want to avoid that sort of issue. Which in my head translates that I can never get married, because if I were to marry a guy, they would probably want sex. If i were biologically male, this would not be an issue, I would love sex, but because of this female body, I am always in fear.

I've done some weird things in my life. I spent most of high school LARPing a different existence with my best friend because we both had no friends; in most cases I would take on a (gay or straight) masculine character. There were times I even felt I could be a better boyfriend than some of the people my friend would date. My mother found us once, guilt tripped me so hard, and it ended. I love to draw the human figure, male or female, but especially love the theory of hermaphroditism, which I frequently draw. That and yaoi scenes, heh. e ue' I still have to hide stuff from my mom. I don't talk to her about these things, yet she snoops sometimes so they sometimes come up...hardly ever. I love her to death but I'm so horrible to her in that I can't stop lying...

Like I mentioned above, I am attracted to men or women, it really doesn't matter to me. But I find men more aesthetically pleasing and prefer them in those terms. Personality-wise, I prefer females. I've have little to no romantic contact with others, only recently did I allow someone to kiss me on the lips. But even then it immediately makes me feel ridden with guilt and sick of myself. I'm afraid I will live my life alone without any companion. I don't want that to happen.

I just don't know what I am anymore. I wish I could change.

I recently came across a ftm vid-blog on youtube, which kind of inspired me to find a forum to try and sort out my feelings. I have a psychologist but I've never mentioned these feelings to her. I feel embarrassed and vulnerable if I think about doing it. But I WANT to mention them, especially to my mom, but I feel it would hurt her so bad and what would my dad think....uuuugh.


....Sorry this turned into a rant. I'm just...a mess, I guess.

But it really is nice to finally talk about this, you know?
It's...nice to meet you all. Please treat me kindly. Q uQ

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Emmett,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7579  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
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Janet 

[Jamie D]

Glad to have you with us Emmett!

You might want to check out the FtM or Androgyne talk boards, if you have not done so already.

To begin a discussion with your psychologist, simply say, "I have been having troubling issues with my gender."

[gennee]

Welcome to Susan's, Emmett. I'm a Christian who happens to be transgender. No, you will not be doomed to hell because you want to change yourself. Take advantage of all the resources here.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Emmett,

A big Aussie welcome to  Susan's family. You have certainly found the right place in which to gain a better understanding of yourself.

Until you are able to better understand yourself, try not to hang on the religious beliefs too much, as most christian misquote scripture and put their own interpretation to it which bends it all out of perspective.

Simply put. YOU had absolutely nothing to do with your birth. Totally out of your hands and out of your control. You obviously appreciate creation theory, which puts all that control and preparation into god's hands. So, if you are looking for anyone to blame for the way your think or feel, I suggest you start with the person who created you. His design, his process and his outcome. (Please excuse the lack of the capitalisation of the appropriate first letter of proper nouns and pronouns used here. I have an issue with them that I won't go into.) You are therefore NOT responsible for the way you think etc. Unless of course you were clever enough to design and create the brain you are currently using. Then, yes; it would be your responsibility. If you get what I mean.

I see nothing wrong in your development, your likes or dislikes. You appear to be quite a normal person, given the uniqueness of us all. After all, no two people are alike. And how boring would that be if we were.

You're of the age, where you may wish to contact a gender therapist and talk through a few of your thoughts and feelings. It my give you a better perspective of yourself, and may be more accurate than what can be found on the internet.

This is a support site, so don't get hung up on ranting. That's what we are about here. Supporting one another in hope to gain greater clarification of ourselves.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Devlyn]

Hi Emmett, welcome to Susans! We're glad you found us! You'll meet lots of new friends here. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

[Emmett]

Thank you all very much for the kindness and warm welcomes. It's good to know that this is a safe place with good people to talk with.

I'll try talking with my therapist more openly about this as soon as possible and try to gather information from this site and the library, maybe even do some praying xD Although I am kind of getting ideas already of what I may be able to do after all. It's seeming a little less hopeless already.

Hugs for you all! \>u</ *squish*