(I'm not sure how much of this is relevant to the topic of this forum, but at some point, I feel like I've been slicing and dicing my life and putting each slice in a different slot too much already. It's all part of me, and here is where I've been posting, so here it is....)
Somehow, the period from a week or so before (USA) Thanksgiving until New Year's is always the toughest part of my life. It feels like it's a never-ending series of things I have to live up to and deal with and accomplish on deadline. And each year seems harder than the last. My ex just found out she has cancer, and I'm torn between the impulse to give her as much support as I can and my belief that I have to maintain firm boundaries. My older son is having troubles with finishing his college work that are disturbingly reminiscent of my younger son's disconnect from life. And I've been suffering for the past year from something -- depression? fatigue? age? -- that has made just getting through the day a struggle and made each disappointment or setback feel like it might be the final push that sends me sliding into the abyss. Even pleasurable activities now require so much effort that it almost doesn't seem worth the effort.
This week, I decided I may have to drop out of a group I've been going to where we discuss various topics in order to get to know one another on a deeper level. Getting there has always been a struggle, so that I'm usually late, and this time, they confronted me about it. It's bothered me that I can't explain even to myself why it's such a struggle, and I'm now feeling like I simply can't deal with both getting there and with vainly trying to explain to them why it's so hard. (Reminds me of how, when I was a kid, I could never explain why I couldn't get my school work done.) Since then, the sadness? depression? has been hitting me like a physical pain in the chest. I'd break out crying, if I were able to cry. (I haven't been able to cry since I was a kid, either.)
Since I wasn't sure how healthy my ex would be, I offered to host Christmas dinner, so she, my kids, and her brother and his family all came. This brother has never particularly liked me (though he's polite), especially since the divorce, so I hoped his agreeing to come meant things were better. I wore a skirt (as I do most of the time), and nobody seemed bothered (my ex even complimented me on my sewing skills and on the ribbons I'd sown on the skirt, sort of like stripes.) But this evening, they all went out to dinner without inviting me, and I moped, despite the fact that I was feeling tired and wouldn't have wanted to go, anyway. I suppose if I weren't feeling so beaten down already, I might have had an easier time shrugging it off. And of course, there's the voice that says, of course they don't want anything to do with you, you always do everything wrong and offend people.
Christmas Eve wasn't bad -- I sang in the church choir, and singing takes me out of myself. It's like I become one with the music, and the concentration involved in singing my part and not screwing it up keeps my mind from thinking about the misery du jour. Sometimes the altered consciousness lasts for an hour or so.
I'm looking forward to New Year's, though. I'll be going away with the kids to a place where there's stuff to do, but you don't actually have to do anything (they cook for you!), and my kids will see friends. I may just sit or lie on a couch and watch the world go by. Or play guitar or flute, if I feel like it. (And everyone is just fine with however I feel like dressing. And sometimes I even get hugs!)
