Feel like I'm a fake

[monica.]

Hey all, I hope that this is an appropriate place to post this. Lately, I've been having some pretty persistent problems with my self-identity, and I feel like I have to share some things with someone. I hope that this doesn't turn into a huge ramble, but please bare with me.

I should confess I've been avoiding these boards for some time, despite a couple of introductions some time ago, so perhaps I should explain my position. I'm a 28 year old male-bodied person, and I've gone through a lot of loose fitting gender labels over the years. I'm very much closeted, unfortunately (although my girlfriend knows and overwhelmingly approves, which is awesome), and I present a mostly masculine face to the world. Now, a couple of months ago I happened to make a friend in my city who identifies as genderqueer/androgynous, and I suddenly feel like I don't match up.

I haven't spent a huge amount of time with this friend (who I'll call "A" for now), so I haven't felt comfortable talking about my concerns with them. But this is a person who's the same age as me, has similar life experiences, has the same views on gender, identifies similarly to me, has the same sexual orientation ... and yet we're chalk and cheese. A is very much "out", publicly presents a feminine appearance with confidence, considers hormone treatment and bottom surgery, and generally has settled into a life and gender expression that's unambiguously not in line with their physical sex.

I, on the other hand, do live a life in line with my physical sex. But I can't really tick many boxes that would differentiate me from a cisgendered man anyway. Such as:

• I'm pretty comfortable with my body. Or at least, I'm no less unhappy than most human beings.
• I kinda like what I have going on between my legs.
• I don't mind if people see me as male, and never as female.
• I identify with my given name, Matt, even though it's unambiguously masculine and has no feminine alternative. I do not identify with the name I give myself on this forum, which is the only female name I've ever used.
• I prefer masculine pro-nouns.

So I should be happy just being a fairly straightforward male, but I'm not, and I'm pretty bad at being a man. And I love that I'm bad at it. And I've been working towards growing out my hair and wearing more makeup to create an appearance that reflects who I feel I am. But it just feels fraudulent. Maybe I'm just a slightly effeminate man, or maybe I'm some kind of fetishist in denial, but I end up hating myself for pretending that my vague failure to conform properly in any way puts me in a category full of people who genuinely struggle on a daily basis. I feel like it's a huge disservice to them if I pretend to be something I'm not. That it cheapens their struggle.

I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant. And I don't really know what I want to hear back. I just suspect that some time soon, A is going to spot me for a fake. And I think I can take some hard truths from the internet or from myself, but I don't think I could take it face-to-face from someone I respect.

Thank you for your time.

[LordKAT]

Plenty of people who identify as male or androgyne who have fem mannerisms and /or wear women's clothes or make up. You are yourself. Your friend is who they are. You may be similar when it comes to life experiences but that doesn't change who you are inside. You are not the same person. You are not fake if you are just being true to who you feel yourself to be.

[Jamie D]

We are unique individuals.  Not to worry.  And no reason to make comparisons.

[amber1964]

First of all most of the things you talk about have to do with social expectations. Really, when did it get decided that a man couldnt wear his hair long or wear make up. In fact, over history, these have been fashionable at various times. Sounds like you are comforable with your physical body and your mental gender you just arent a typical blends- conformist kind of guy.

So first of all you arent a fake anything. You are you and you feel the way you feel. So the fake part is just plain wrong. We all have to get along in the real world, being out is not for everybody - it most certainly is not for me. I look female period and thats it.

What you need to work out is a ways of expressing yourself within your comfort zone. Dont compare yourself to your friend, they do what works for them and thats great, but its not better or worse.

The reality is that life is always harder for those who dont just blend in and tend towards being average in most ways. You cant control that any more than you can control what people think. But you can work on ways of expressing yourself and perhaps over time that will improve your comfort zone.

Now Im speaking as a transsexual female. One of the really crazy madly driven ones at that who trashed her entire existence in pursuit of changing. I dont feel offended. Dont stress so much over labels like androgenous or effeminate or trans they really dont matter. Just figure out what makes you happy and do it. Heh, some of us find non conformists attractive.

Ever considered a punky gothy look for weekends? Lots of guys do that, hardly remarkable and kind of vaguely feminine in the way you describe. Focus on being happy - that matters - the rest is just baggages.

[teema]

Hi Monica,since you`re posting on the androgyne board I guess you`re familiar with the whole androgyne thing.If andro is what you are then there is absolutely no need to physically express the feminine persona you have to the whole world,unless you really really want to yourself.Its your decision,no one elses to make,just yours.I do small things that make me feel good,my eyes, clip the hair on my legs manicure my feet,small stuff like that,i`m not trying to make a statement or anything.People I meet in the street look and just assume I`m gay but so what.i`ve no body issues other than I wish my legs were longer,trivial stuff,i`m happy being.....just me.I do dress up sometimes,in private just for fun,(I love shoes!)but that's all.So go with it just like a lot of other androgynes do,just be glad you`re different and you have someone to be with who understands you.Best wishes Teema x

[amZo]

I just suspect that some time soon, A is going to spot me for a fake. And I think I can take some hard truths from the internet or from myself, but I don't think I could take it face-to-face from someone I respect.

She may come to that conclusion, doesn't make it so, no one else can define you. You sound very honest with yourself, that's a good thing.

I feel our comfort level regarding how we present and when or if we come out is based more on our personalities and our past than whether we're fake or real. You certainly wouldn't be the first transgender person to feel the way you do.

[monica.]

Thank you for the replies everyone. They certainly make me feel a bit better. The strange thing is that I was starting to feel pretty comfortable with my self-identity and expression until very recently. I know I shouldn't compare myself with others, but it can be a bit difficult to avoid. I think we'd all like to belong, after all. I'll do my best to just do what makes me feel comfortable, but it's just reassuring to hear that I'm not somehow in the wrong.