Hey all, I hope that this is an appropriate place to post this. Lately, I've been having some pretty persistent problems with my self-identity, and I feel like I have to share some things with someone. I hope that this doesn't turn into a huge ramble, but please bare with me.
I should confess I've been avoiding these boards for some time, despite a couple of introductions some time ago, so perhaps I should explain my position. I'm a 28 year old male-bodied person, and I've gone through a lot of loose fitting gender labels over the years. I'm very much closeted, unfortunately (although my girlfriend knows and overwhelmingly approves, which is awesome), and I present a mostly masculine face to the world. Now, a couple of months ago I happened to make a friend in my city who identifies as genderqueer/androgynous, and I suddenly feel like I don't match up.
I haven't spent a huge amount of time with this friend (who I'll call "A" for now), so I haven't felt comfortable talking about my concerns with them. But this is a person who's the same age as me, has similar life experiences, has the same views on gender, identifies similarly to me, has the same sexual orientation ... and yet we're chalk and cheese. A is very much "out", publicly presents a feminine appearance with confidence, considers hormone treatment and bottom surgery, and generally has settled into a life and gender expression that's unambiguously not in line with their physical sex.
I, on the other hand, do live a life in line with my physical sex. But I can't really tick many boxes that would differentiate me from a cisgendered man anyway. Such as:
- I'm pretty comfortable with my body. Or at least, I'm no less unhappy than most human beings.
- I kinda like what I have going on between my legs.
- I don't mind if people see me as male, and never as female.
- I identify with my given name, Matt, even though it's unambiguously masculine and has no feminine alternative. I do not identify with the name I give myself on this forum, which is the only female name I've ever used.
- I prefer masculine pro-nouns.
So I should be happy just being a fairly straightforward male, but I'm not, and I'm pretty bad at being a man. And I love that I'm bad at it. And I've been working towards growing out my hair and wearing more makeup to create an appearance that reflects who I feel I am. But it just feels fraudulent. Maybe I'm just a slightly effeminate man, or maybe I'm some kind of fetishist in denial, but I end up hating myself for pretending that my vague failure to conform properly in any way puts me in a category full of people who genuinely struggle on a daily basis. I feel like it's a huge disservice to them if I pretend to be something I'm not. That it cheapens their struggle.
I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant. And I don't really know what I want to hear back. I just suspect that some time soon, A is going to spot me for a fake. And I think I can take some hard truths from the internet or from myself, but I don't think I could take it face-to-face from someone I respect.
Thank you for your time.