A Pivotal Point in My Life, it Would Seem.

[rhonda13000]

I am wondering if I am even worthy of associating with others, or whether I should live and function alone for the sake of others.

I'm beginning to think that I am just too toxic to be around.

I'm about to be living alone again and the last time that I did, back in the early '80s, I more or less became a recluse and fell apart, psychologically.

I'm wondering if my 'toxic manifestations' are by-products of multiple concurrent healing processes and the transient upheaval and pain that such are inducing in me.

I don't know.

Is it a matter of my own lack of self-discipline?

I don't know.

Will my state of mind eventually 'level out' when I fully transition?

I don't know. I really don't.

I guess that in a sense, I stand at a critical point in my life right now; perhaps a choice between life or death, whether it is psycho-emotionally viable or even healthy, to continue to live.

"FEAR"

I'm a tough girl to be sure and I have endured and survived much, but it is like pain and suffering is my nominal mode of existence and that it is naive to expect a transcendence from this state of being.

You know, I am just so tired at this juncture. I really am.

I have cried more and shed more tears since my self-realization in May of 2005 till now, than I have in entirety of my pre-transitional existence--and that is all that it was: mere existence, a tenuous hold on life itself.

It is almost like, the pain and agony suffered and endured during transition is a concentration and a condensation of the preceding 49 years of pain and suffering. It feels as though my life has actually significantly deteriorated, rather than improved...

And I am wondering if THIS will now become my nominal mode of existence because if it is going to be, I will simply put a 12 gauge rifled slug into my head, effectively sparing myself from further agony and torture.

Is it all 'simply' a function of self-implemented cognitive change and I must in reality work to change my circumstances and life trajectory?

I don't know.

I had thought that I was past this, but maybe not: Early in my life while utterly besieged and dominated by known severe but untreated ADHD and unknown and hence untreated intense TS and I ruminated upon this and concluded that there was really nothing that I could do to 'win' against this horrible endogenous onslaught and I decided to simply stop trying.

In other words, I decided that 'learned helplessness' was the only life option that was available and that I simply had to somehow try to partially base an existence upon this 'philosophy' and condition.

I have been finally empowered to live my life assertively, but this 'learned helplessness', one of the major elements that comprised my mode of existence for so many years, continues to plague me and I am FIGHTING to throw off this obsolete and dysfunctional mode of living.

"Severe, Unrelenting Confusion"

"Who am I?"

I did not know; I could not formulate nor determine my identity as my contemporaries succeeded in doing, during their formative years and this alone was agonizing. Only until around 28 years old, did I piece together some semblance of a 'workable' identity.

I became a master pretender--I had to be in order simply to function in society. But it required prodigious amounts of psychic energy to sustain the facade of normality...and sometimes I could not sustain it and I would basically fall apart.

Nothing seemed 'natural' to me; everything had to be forcibly implemented and then sustained, again, with prodigous amounts of psychic energy.

"Constant, unrelenting anxiety"

This also permeated my existence pretty much from 'day one'. This too, I had to live through and with and somehow adjust to. I concluded that I would have to somehow partially base an existence upon this nominal condition of mind.

Life has been a 'stone bitch' for me pretty much again, from 'day one'.

Is it rational for me, even now knowing who and what I am, that my life will finally transcend a level of mere, anhedonic [or worse] existence?

If this what I can expect in my remaining years, where is the logic in living life simply to endure suffering and agony? That's fatuous and absurd and makes no sense at all.

"When does the 'instinct for survival' become an exercise in sadomasochism?"

I am at a critical point in my life right now and I am so tired of agony and suffering.

Where is the logic in subjecting myself to more of the same? What is the point?

I have placed a single 12 gauge rifled slug in my nightstand drawer.

[cindianna_jones]

Rhonda,

In your personal life, do you tend to wear your heart on your sleeve?  It's alright here in the forum, because that is what it is for.  But do you talk frequently of such things with those around you?

I ask, because I used to do it all the time.  Quite frankly, it drove those close to me away. Casual acquaintances wanted nothing to do with me. It's a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.  Depression begets loneliness.  And if it doesn't, by God, we'll make it happen. I speak from experience, not to chastise you.  I understand the loneliness, pain, and suffering. I know depression. It is an unwelcome friend in my life. She's moved in and set up shop. I have taken care of her. She can not be quelled or driven away. But I do not feed her by sharing  her frequently with friends. For she grows fat and leaves no room for anyone else to feel comfortable.  So they leave.  And I am alone.

With some self discipline, I've managed to keep her in check. I keep my mouth shut. My friends and hubby are happy people. That happiness rubs off on me. It is a wonderful thing. Happiness begets happiness. And I no longer find myself digging a deeper pit of despondence.

Chin up

Cindi

[rhonda13000]

Rhonda,

In your personal life, do you tend to wear your heart on your sleeve?  It's alright here in the forum, because that is what it is for.  But do you talk frequently of such things with those around you?

I ask, because I used to do it all the time.  Quite frankly, it drove those close to me away. Casual acquaintances wanted nothing to do with me. It's a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.  Depression begets loneliness.  And if it doesn't, by God, we'll make it happen. I speak from experience, not to chastise you.  I understand the loneliness, pain, and suffering. I know depression. It is an unwelcome friend in my life. She's moved in and set up shop. I have feed her and I have taken care of her. She can not be quelled or driven away. But I do not  her by sharing  her frequently with friends. For she grows fat and leaves no room for anyone else to feel comfortable.  So they leave.  And I am alone.

With some self discipline, I've managed to keep her in check. I keep my mouth shut. My friends and hubby are happy people. That happiness rubs off on me. It is a wonderful thing. Happiness begets happiness. And I no longer find myself digging a deeper pit of despondence.

Chin up

Cindi

A gentle and caring response--and much appreciated.

I was nervous about posting this, in fear that I would somehow exceed 'proper decorum'; I see that I have not and accordingly, I am relieved.

I see that you are fighting your own battle, as well. I certainly would wish it was otherwise with you, dear sister, but there is a certain...reassurance in knowing that mine own suffering is not necessarily unique.

My life has improved vastly, since my birthday in May of 2005; this cannot be denied and is in fact one of the number of solid attestations as to the validity and verity of my TS.

"Growth Pains" - ?

Perhaps so. I did not expect to be revisiting and re-experiencing adolescence at 50 years of age. Adolescence is a painful process to a degree. Comparatively speaking, I wonder which adolescence was the more painful; the former or the latter?

I've noticed that life isn't much fun, when you are being torn apart by multiple negative processes and forces and that is what I am dealing with, at present.

I don't want to die Cindi, I really don't. I'm in pain, alot of pain, at this particular time in my life and perhaps my venting here is just that: venting.

But it is so hard to deal with sometimes.

Nothing bad is imminent. Not like it was on one day in May of 2005 when after cold, rational analysis of the present, past and probable future was executed and the logical conclusion was, "It is finally time to die."

And on that same day, I finally understood.

The path is true; I know this and I know that it is impossible to go back to the former status quo. I am having to make changes in life of great magnitude--and never did I expect to be in such a strait and part of me is resisting this and part of me is in actual fear, relative to my future.

It's so strange, Cindi. Does such constitute the ultimate in 'mid-life crisis', it is mused?

Growth and change are inherently painful processes, at least for some of us. It is acknowledged that it is a transient state, but it's one hell of an experience to pass through.

[cindianna_jones]

Yes, mid-life crisis it must be.

Our years to procreate have passed. We've had a life time of work and our careers have become boring. Most of us have established ourselves to some degree to have a comfortable life. We no longer live on the edge of financial existance. We have so little to challenge us (excluding the TSism of course). We become bored with our life to some degree and wonder why it seems so empty.

Cindi

[LostInTime]

Sorry to read everything that you are going through.  I could have written parts of that post myself, many years ago.

You are attempting to learn about yourself.  As you learn things, your perspective changes.  Due to those changes then your self perceived place in the universe does as well.  Thinking about it too much is not healthy, sometimes you have to go with the flow and process later.

As for the question on sadomasochism, that would be when you are sexually aroused by the emotional pain you are going through.  Hopefully that will never happen.

Pain lets the body know that it is still alive.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to have enough faith in yourself to get there.

[cindianna_jones]

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to have enough faith in yourself to get there.

My take on it is thus:

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have step aside to let that oncoming train pass by!

Cindi

[ellen b]

Maybe........and I am no expert.........

Try focusing on feelings more than thoughts.

Not the feelings that result from where you are now, but others. Other thoughts that were generated when you were at different moments in your life.

Feelings that sustained you, uplifted you.

I wish you the best, and can only say something stupid in response:

Stop Thinking So Much!

peace

[jeri]

hello rhonda,

i am sorry you are so depressed, truly sorry. and like cindi previously stated, venting is acceptable here. it is encouraged here. still, the act of suicide is the ultimate statement of selfishness. you are not the only person who has felt pain. you should be so ashamed of ever having those thoughts. life is precious, your life is precious. you need to shame yourself from ever entertaining suicidal thoughts. what did you do so horrible that you deserve to die? did you murder someone? did you molest a child? exactly why are you so guilty that death is the right answer? it can't be because you are a transsexual because being a transsexual isn't wrong at all. it is just a medical fact. dealing with it can be difficult, and you should seek adequate trained professional assistance to help you through the initial stages, at the very least. but wrong? not even a little bit.

being transgendered in itself isn't as painful as the rejection that surrounds it, real or imagined. most of the real pain for me was self induced. i didn't like that i was transsexual. i didn't want to go through the ordeal of transition. there was just too much work, expense, and pain involved for anyone to want that. i didn't have the money for it. and still, i wanted to do whatever was necessary to finally feel comfortable with my own body. it just happened one step at a time because i did it one step at a time. every step i took i felt better about myself, and stronger. i had grs, and a few other surgeries, too, but my transition isn't over. some say that it never is.

your post gives me the impression that you are filled with remorse for a meaningless life. be responsible for your life starting now, and you won't have to feel remorse. you can make an improvement, or you can learn from a mistake. that is what life is.  if you don't do anything new in an attempt to avoid  mistakes? that would be a wasted life - we came, we went. the end. but if you focus on all of the good things, and all of the good people in between life is not so bleak. you have to count your blessings, every one of them, every single day. tomorrow one of them could disappear. you need to get on with your life. be positive about it. make new friends. do things. start taking steps in your transition, and i don't mean buying new clothes and trying them on in a lonely apartment. clothes aren't the answer if you are transsexual. see a therapist, get on hrt, get electrolysis or laser hair removal. make yourself comfortable with your body. if you don't feel comfortable with the changes, then you probably aren't transsexual. you just stop what you are doing or don't take it any further. you just need to do what makes you feel good about yourself.

are you frightened? life is filled with scary things. you could get killed if you walk outside. but wait, you aren't afraid of death - you are afraid of life. that is why death looks so attractive. well, there is nothing attractive about rotting in a grave or being turned into ashes at 3000 degrees. it is final though, and waiting for us all. i am not personally in a hurry. i would rather enjoy what life i have left, and live it to the fullest. so should you.

if i am not good to myself, who will be?
if i don't care for others, who am i?
if not now, when?

be good to yourself, rhonda. do it now. and you will find the strength to care for others. be well...

[rhonda13000]

Is there happiness at the end of the tunnel?  I really don't know.  I wrote something under my signature the other day and it read something like this "there is still darkness at the end of the tunnel; sometimes it is pitch black and you can't see a thing" All I know is that happiness can be elusive at times, and I'd rather experience the darkness sometimes than all the time.  I feel that in order to be happy, I have to stop dwelling on the problems of the whole world and start with one problem (me) that I can do something about and fix it.  Can I? sure I can, but IMO it requires determination, courage, and selfishness; virtues which I am extremely familiar with.

tink

i do not seek nonstop happiness, hon.

i just want to stop having to live with the tremendous stress, thats all.