Overcoming skepticism?

[possiblycharlie]

It's been almost 9 months since I first came out to my parents as questioning my gender. Their first reaction was a laundry list of other possible reasons for feeling the way I do than the explanation I tried to provide. These were primarily:

1) self-esteem and body image issues associated with a weight problem
2) coersive influence from my college LGBTQ group
3) a reaction to loneliness, as I had very few friends on campus

In the last nine months, after agreeing to take the exploration slowly, I have taken steps to disprove each of these theories. I:

1) Signed up for a weight loss program on which I'm making tremendous progress
2) spent several months away from college and out of touch with my LGBTQ friends, and
3) developed a group of loyal and accepting straight/cis friends

However, after honest consideration, I still want to experiment with my gender presentation. At the beginning of the summer, I went to talk to my mother about getting a binder. I thought it was important I be open with her about what steps I was taking to experiment. She met my confession with scorn and sadness. She reduced me to tears over the issue and convinced me to try to lose weight to boost my self-confidence, which she diagnosed as the root of my "problem." Like I said, I've made a lot of progress and I love my body a lot more now - but mostly because it is more toned and less curvy. The other day, without bringing up the issue again, I ordered a binder off the internet, using several techniques to make it a covert transaction. However, my parents have access to my savings account and noticed the transaction. Also, I was hoping the package would come while they were away on vacation, but it came just after they got back. My mother in particular is "very disappointed" in me, and still seems to think that this is some kind of angsty teenage self-loathing phase I'll grow out of when I realize "what a beautiful woman I am" and "learn to love what I have."

I don't even want surgery or hormones or anything like that. Even I agree that's too drastic and final for my fluid orientation. I just want to have a few tools on hand to help me look more like what I feel each day. I was hoping that by taking things slow and giving my democratic-style parents sensible proof and arguments why their alternate theories were incorrect, they'd concede that my identity is genuine. Now it just seems like this is going to be an endless fight that will divide us as long as I choose to "flaunt" this part of myself.

I love my mom, and it breaks my heart that I'm going to be fighting with her, and losing at least part of her love and pride for me, because 4 out of 7 days a week I'd like to be able to look down and be able to see my bellybutton. I feel like a liar if I don't share this part of me, and she calls me a liar for wanting to "trick people into thinking I'm something I'm not."

How can I convince my parents that what I'm feeling is genuine, and not just some symptom of a bigger underlying "problem?" Will I ever be able to?

[Nero]

Hi PossiblyCharlie.

I wonder if in light of the fact you're not planning any drastic permanent measures such as hormones and surgeries, you may be overstating your case to your folks. Are they assuming that you're talking about a full transition?

It seems a little off they'd get that freaked out over a binder (which is basically a glorified sports bra) unless they're taking it to mean transition.

I wonder if explaining this to them may help:

I don't even want surgery or hormones or anything like that. Even I agree that's too drastic and final for my fluid orientation. I just want to have a few tools on hand to help me look more like what I feel each day.

I could be way off base, but that's my impression from the post.

And I wouldn't read too much into the weight issue. That's sort of the default assumption when someone read as female is unhappy.
Good luck and enjoy your binder. 

[Edge]

I kind of get what you mean.
When I first told my mom I was exploring my gender identity because I feel like a man, she asked me if I was sure I wasn't just trying to overcome obstacle I didn't think I could overcome as a woman. My friends still refer to me as female even though they know I'm frequently not.
I also started with getting a binder. I was planning on wearing it only some of the time because I thought that I would only be male some of the time. I ended up so giddy over the sight of my flatter chest that I've wore one almost every day since. That's not to say that same will happen with you (although it might), but I guess the point I wanted to make was that exploring this can lead you places you might like and it's not worth it to give that up for what someone else wants you to be.
No one else can tell you who you are or who you're not. Well, they can due to free speech, but you get what I mean. I don't know if you'll ever be able to convince anyone else of that though. If you ever do find out, let me know please because I'm still trying.

[possiblycharlie]

@Admin: You could be on to something, I suppose. When I first came out as questioning, I was very honest with them, saying I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go (anywhere from "i guess this isn't for me after all" to "full surgery transition"). They urged me to take it slow, step by step. And I have. And in the months between, I've come to the conclusion that permanent changes to my person are probably not for me. The only thing I was still contemplating by the beginning of the summer was reduction surgery, but even in that case, my fear seems to outweigh my desire for it. No matter how many times I tell them this, though, I think she thinks my getting a binder is a gateway to other "behaviors," when realistically, it's probably as far as I'd ever go.

The only other objection I can think of is that she cited the medical side effects of long-term binding, and seems to think that as soon as I put it on, I'm going to do permanent damage to my lungs and back. When she cools down, perhaps I can have a talk with her about the non-permanence of these measures - work with the side of her that thinks this is all a big mistake instead of trying to rail against it.

@Edge: Thanks for the commiseration. Your mom's response struck a chord with me - like one of my mom's arguments that was particularly devastating to me. She has never dressed in an overly feminine manner (abhors makeup, jewelry, fancy shoes, skirts, dresses, etc.) When I cited this tendency of hers and tried to liken it to my own, her response was "I was told by a psychologist that I dress this way to present myself as less of a target because I was sexually assaulted when I was younger. What's your excuse?" I had no response - what do you say to something like that? Most of all the implication that this self-presentation is some kind of escape, resulting from some sort of mental trauma or unbalance?

At the same time, I kind of hope I have the same reaction you did when I get my binder back from them. Maybe if they see it makes me truly happy and more confident, they'll accept it as some kind of necessary evil.

[Edge]

She has never dressed in an overly feminine manner (abhors makeup, jewelry, fancy shoes, skirts, dresses, etc.) When I cited this tendency of hers and tried to liken it to my own, her response was "I was told by a psychologist that I dress this way to present myself as less of a target because I was sexually assaulted when I was younger. What's your excuse?" I had no response - what do you say to something like that? Most of all the implication that this self-presentation is some kind of escape, resulting from some sort of mental trauma or unbalance?

Well, first of all, plenty of cis females are not overly feminine and it's perfectly normal and healthy. Second, I personally don't understand why anyone needs an excuse to be themselves. Third, that wording is a little odd. A psychologist told her? Psychologists are supposed to be guides, not tell people who they are. I mean, maybe the psychologist is right, but it's still odd that she would include that instead of "I dress this way because..."

[possiblycharlie]

Second, I personally don't understand why anyone needs an excuse to be themselves.

That was my reaction. She can't seem to accept that this is just me being myself and not there being something wrong with me. She has this picture of who I "really" am in her mind, and when I deviate from that, she accuses me of deceiving other people and not working with what I have. I suppose the only person whose opinion matters is mine (I am what I say I am, and nobody else has the right to police that), but it's still difficult to hear her talk that way.

Thanks for the support.