Want vs. need

[Sara Murphy]

As I have matured in life I have developed an inner dialog with myself whenever I am think about doing something.  It should be what I want for lunch, do I want a new TV, anything really.  It is always the debate of do I want this or do I need this.  Sure I would like a new, big, fancy, flat, doesn't weigh a hundred pounds TV, but the one I have works perfectly fine, so I do not need a new one.

So, as you can see by my post count I am rather new here.  I had my little epiphany moment about a month ago and for the first time I am making an effort to understand what all this is and where it fits into my life.  I am starting to remember things from my youth that I had locked behind the metal gate for so long.

This last week I had meetings with four therapists in three days.  Others here said that I should "shop around" so I met with the four that responded to my email inquiries.  They all asked similar questions and each had unique questions.  About an hour after these sessions I would always come up with better answers to their question that the ones I gave to them.  This, of course, made me start the think more in-depth about what they were asking.

This being probably the biggest life decision I have faced in my time, I have started the debate in my head do I want to be a girl or do I need to be a girl.  I was giving it some more though this morning, which is when I seem to be happiest, I believe myself what I say that i do indeed want to be a girl.  There are so may aspects that are appealing to me from mind, body, appearance, etc.  If I were able to spend the rest of my day wearing a flouncy sundress I would be over the moon happy.  However, that brings me to the need.  This I am struggling with.  The little devil on my shoulder is telling me that if I do not already know I need to do this than I am fooling myself.  In a  lot of the posts I have read recently girls are saying that this was an overwhelming need and there was no doubt that this was the right path.   For me I am not sure.  Yes, my daydreams are consumed with me as a woman, but maybe the little devil is right.  I don't know and that I don't know is frightening me.  Its not like this is buying the wrong shoe size it is my future existence in life.  Now, granted, my life as a man has not exactly broken any records for achievement, but it has not been all bad.  Some bad, but not all.  But, my visions of a future as a woman are all consuming.  So much so that that little devil keeps telling me that is a pipe dream and it will not really be a good as my imagination is making it out to be.

Any thoughts from the community? 
Anyone want to set me straight?

[Miki]

I can think of few things that are more subjective and unique to individuals than addressing this in their lives. 

There is no formula, no one-size-fits-all approach, no set of stories or experiences from others that will mirror your path exactly.  I'd advise against reading to much into what is presented online by others and avoid using the experiences and broad-brush stroked opinions of others as a gauge to measure your own considerations.

I know that is not helpful, and that it would be amazing if someone, anyone, could reassure us 100% and tell us for certain that this is the right thing for us, but as cliche as it sounds, only we can make that determination for ourselves.

The things I read here and elsewhere absolutely contribute to my general understanding, and inform certain choices I make as far as what to look into and how, but they never determine my choices.

Having said that...

My experience is that moments of uncertainty happen.   I'd suggest talking through these things with your therapist and taking very focused and intentional baby steps.  Focus on each step as you engage, and be honest with yourself about your reactions to those steps and how they feed into your vision of yourself.  My personal baby steps lead me to begin transitioning, yours may not, and that is ok.  There is no "more than" or "less than" at play here, despite the bitterness imbued yammering of some.

Try to avoid getting caught up in labels and semantics.  Avoid them yourself, and refuse to let anyone attach them to you.  Just feel what you feel and see how that translates into honest action on your part.  You see "ymmv" here a lot, and that is likely the most accurate of the repeated "truths" found here. 

I wish you the very best of luck figuring it out.  This is not all guaranteed sadness and pain.  It can be amazing and wonderful and full of discovery and adventure.

-Miki

[MayoiNeko]

If you've decided on which therapist to see regularly, then this is definitely something worth discussing. They are the professionals and have been trained to deal with these areas of the psyche.

It may take a few sessions, or may even take a few months worth for some people, but they should be able to determine with more certainty whether or not you will be happier going through this. There are also many things you can begin working on that aren't permanent so that you are better prepared but not stuck with continuing on, such as training your voice, learning some basic beauty/makeup techniques, adjusting your walking/mannerisms and some even suggest electrolysis early on since even if you decide to stay a man, you'll never have to worry about shaving again.


Good luck with the decision.

[justmeinoz]

As Miki said, if you take things a step at a time you can decide at what point of the Gender Spectrum you want to stop.  There is no single right path, whatever you feel is right for you is yours.  Your Gender therapist can help you to look in the best direction.
Main thing is to go easy on yourself, and know that whatever you decide does not affect the fact that you are a person of value, and deserving of respect.

Karen.

[Bexi]

I don't think its a question of want or need, rather than what would make you happy.

I was giving it some more though this morning, which is when I seem to be happiest, I believe myself what I say that i do indeed want to be a girl.  ... If I were able to spend the rest of my day wearing a flouncy sundress I would be over the moon happy.

^ If being a woman makes you happy, then why bother debating the semantics?
X   

[Beth Andrea]

Making a decision for (or against) being TS is a lengthy process for many. Some know from their earliest memories...others have to overcome years (or decades) of "you-must-be-MALE" conditioning.

The hesitation, the "devil on your shoulder", is a sign of appropriate caution, and rational thought. You will probably have similar cautious thoughts throughout your transition, should you decide to. Hopefully you will...HRT, SRS, FFS, and the name change is a permanent thing, so moving slowly and deliberately is reasonable.

Of course, you will want to see a therapits (deliberately spelled this way, for my needs), one who is neutral/supportive of making a trans decision. It took me about 6 months to realize I needed to transition...just because my "male" persona was reluctant to let go.

[Sara Murphy]

There is no formula, no one-size-fits-all approach, no set of stories or experiences from others that will mirror your path exactly.  I'd advise against reading to much into what is presented online by others and avoid using the experiences and broad-brush stroked opinions of others as a gauge to measure your own considerations.

I know that is not helpful, and that it would be amazing if someone, anyone, could reassure us 100% and tell us for certain that this is the right thing for us, but as cliche as it sounds, only we can make that determination for ourselves.

Yeah, hearing things like this don't help, but still do.  You know what I mean?  I know that my confusion is, possibly, the one undeniable truth that most, if not all TG's share.  When I read someones experiences I try and envision myself in those same situations.  Maybe I really need to stop doing that.  But, for good or for bad, I am desperately seeking some reassurance.  But, I guess that will some in time as I broaden my associations in the community.

If being a woman makes you happy, then why bother debating the semantics?

If only I could.  I debate the crap out of the semantics in almost everything I do.  Sometime I am envious of the simple minded.  (that kind of sounds mean doesn't it)

The hesitation, the "devil on your shoulder", is a sign of appropriate caution, and rational thought. You will probably have similar cautious thoughts throughout your transition, should you decide to. Hopefully you will...HRT, SRS, FFS, and the name change is a permanent thing, so moving slowly and deliberately is reasonable.

I go through phases of wanting to just dive in, guns blazing, and do it all tomorrow.  The whole go to bed as a boy and wake up as a girl fantasy.  Yes, I know that will not happen, but still, it would be nice to have it all decided with one cycle of a full moon.


I just wanted to thank you all for your responses and your patients.  I am sure that there is a newbie who pops in every couple weeks with my same questions and insecurities.  I write these posts to get these things off my chest in hopes that someone will give me that little nugget of information that will help settle things in my head for a bit until the next question pops up.  My debate of do I want to be a girl vs. do I need to be a girl will undoubtedly go on for a long time and possibly forever.  But, it definitely helps that I can post things here and get some insight.

[LuckyMe]

Sara, your debate is exactly the one I'm going through right now. I've had the fantasy of being a girl for the last 15 or so years, and discovering the world of TS was an eye opener for me. Right now I have the same debate as you do, and I feel like I have to correct myself sometimes, replacing "want" with "need" in my conversations with my wife.

One thing that did strike me at one point, and perhaps this will also help you realise something: in the greatest majority of my daydreams, the gift of womanhood was bestowed upon me by a greater power: a god, alients, magic, technology from the future, whatever. And each time I would daydream about being a girl, the moment I was told or given the gift my mind screamed "FINALLY!". And when I discovered the TS world, when I saw that what I was living through was shared by others, especially that a lot of the girls here are so strong and confident, it suddenly dawned upon me: There will never be a higher power that will be able to give you permission to change your own life. YOU are the only one that can do this... Corny as it may sound.

You just have to realize that it's not the job of the therapist to *tell* you what or who you are, what you want or need. It's their job to guide you through the journey, make sure you understand all the consequences and the details of, not only the process, but also of your own self.

So I guess what I'm saying is... You go, girl!

[Sara Murphy]

Thanks for your input LuckyMe.  It made me feel good knowing that you know exactly what I tried to express in my post.  I like to think that I am a good writer, but I don't always express myself, in writing, the way that I do in my own mind.

... in the greatest majority of my daydreams, the gift of womanhood was bestowed upon me by a greater power: a god, alients, magic, technology from the future, whatever.

That is funny that you say that.  I have been trying to come up with some sort of metaphor to explain that "not quite right" feeling that I have.  So if someone ever asks that is what I have come up with:

"All of my life I have felt that there was something just a bit off, like I was meant to be something different.  Maybe I am an alien, maybe I am a superhero, or maybe I am a girl.  Well, I do not have a cape and I have not received any calls from the mother ship, so that only leaves one option."

You just have to realize that it's not the job of the therapist to *tell* you what or who you are, what you want or need. It's their job to guide you through the journey, make sure you understand all the consequences and the details of, not only the process, but also of your own self.

My goal with my therapist, when I start seeing her on a regular basis, is to, of course, work on my issues, but also make sure that I fall in line with the Standards Of Care so that I can gain approval for starting HRT.  That is the conclusion I have come to as of a couple days ago.  If I am to make it in this world I have come to the conclusion that this is the right direction for me.  I will always have the want vs. need debate, but the want has been chipped away by the need.  So, for today anyway and this may change next week, I do feel the need to do this.  Well, until I see something shiny on the side of the road and that grabs my attention and changes my mind in the other direction.

And each time I would daydream about being a girl, the moment I was told or given the gift my mind screamed "FINALLY!".

You are so right about this.  My latest day dream shows me going into my therapy appointment wearing a fancy sundress, flashy tights, sexy heels, the best hair ever, and best of all a big smile on my face.  That would be my "I have arrived moment". 

[Amazon D]

I needed to transition but i do not want to be seen as some sexy woman that gets cismen all attracted to me so i have settled on being happy that i got rid of that facial hair and penis + testes and testosterone and i haven't lost any head hair.. so that makes me happy but having men seek me was a real bummer that i hadn't planned for nor wanted.