Suicidal Dream

[K Style Addiction]

I am not looking for pity or help, if you want to help that's fine but i'm not asking for anything so please no comments telling me i'm an attention whore. I just want a place to vent my anger and depression. I hate my life right now, i wish i would have the guts to take a bunch of sleeping pills and just cut my wrists already. I feel so hopeless, i look in the mirror and sometimes i feel good about the way i look but majority of the time i can instantly feel like >-bleeped-< looking at myself, the weirdest thing is the way my face looks changes from day to night. In the morning i look in the mirror, i look decent, in the night i see a f***ing boy/man image reflecting back to me.

I hate everything, i hate my parents, i hate my life, i just wish i would be brave enough to kill myself. People here hate me, thinking i'm some kind of attention whore. Sometimes i wish there would be somebody who could just speak for a whole world and tell me if i'm pretty or ugly, so i can either get on with my life or just kill myself.

i'm probably gonna get flamed for this, i hate myself...why was i even born.

*sigh*...i'm just a stupid f***ing idiot, i bet if anybody here doesn't like me they are really enjoying this, hah!

Maybe if i am not dead soon, i'll actually try and be happy...so everybody will stop laughing at me.

[Beth Andrea]

*hugs*

Donna, I've felt the same way. There are times I still do, and I'm not nearly as beautiful as you are (although I know that how we feel inside affects how we see our reflection).

I don't know much about you or your family/home/world life, but I know that in my own case, when I'm suicidal and severely depressed, I really try to remember "this too shall pass"...because depression and suicidal thoughts, while overwhelming at times, do ebb and flow according to seemingly random things...all you have to do is survive and overcome this episode.

If you think in terms of "just hang on for another day" or "...another hour" or, if it's really, really bad, "...just another 10 minutes" that will help.

Please don't harm yourself. It hurts all of us who care about you.

*hugs*

*hugs*

*hugs*

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

You may know me, Donna.  I am the Goddess Aphrodite.  The goddess of love and beauty.

You are my daughter.  I created you in my image.  That of beauty and love.

And I love you.




And so do I, Donna.
Janet

[mintra]

Vent away Donna. it gets better honey. Not a lot of people like me either but who cares? They don't feed me. We all have our crisis period in our lifetime. When it passes you'll look back and laugh at it.

[MadelineB]

...
I feel so hopeless, i look in the mirror and sometimes i feel good about the way i look but majority of the time i can instantly feel like s*** looking at myself, the weirdest thing is the way my face looks changes from day to night. In the morning i look in the mirror, i look decent, in the night i see a f***ing boy/man image reflecting back to me.
...
Sometimes i wish there would be somebody who could just speak for a whole world and tell me if i'm pretty or ugly, so i can either get on with my life or just kill myself.

Donna Troy,
This is Madeline, and I believe I speak for the whole world when I tell you that you are beautiful.
It's not your fault that you need to hear that you are pretty to be able to make it through another night.
You are pretty.
It's going to be all right.
In time.

Many of us who suffer from gender dysphoria experience exactly what you describe. It was happening to me all day Wednesday. My spirit was exhausted, my confidence was shaken, and the old ugly fuglies came crawling back. I would catch myself in a reflection, and see an awkward unattractive man in women's clothes.

I've had practice with this particular demon, so I would concentrate, telling myself "I am a woman, I don't care what I look like today, I don't care what you think, I'm on my way" and when I looked again, flick, I would see a not unattractive transgender woman who was not to be messed with. After a few flickers back and forth, the third time I was locked in as transgender me.

Later when I'd had some positive feedback and reinforcement from my friends at work, and had a decent meal in my stomach, I was able to take it to the next level, and tell myself "I am a woman, I am beautiful in my own way, I radiate something special that everyone can appreciate" and flicker, I could see myself, really see myself again.

I can do this because I have supportive friends, and weekly intense sessions with my therapist, and lots and lots of practice.

Hang in there Donna. I know how much these feelings hurt, but you are worth too much to risk losing you.
Hugs,
Maddie

[Jamie D]

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

[AbraCadabra]

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

Beautiful... to recall those words, and getting a bit wet around my eyes.

Thank you Jamie!

Axelle