What does it mean when people stare at you during transition?

[Urban Christina]

Hi, I'm a 22 year old MTF that started HRT exactly one month ago but I don't think there's much difference yet. I still have short hair (letting it grow, about 3 inches now). I wear lip gloss and mascara everywhere I go while I'm stuck as male and recently got my ears pierced (nothing girly, just standard jewelry for 6 weeks). My acne finally went away.

I'm sure people are staring at me because they see the lip gloss and ears pierced, or maybe my new smooth skin. But it's the men that I'm afraid of. Men stare at me everywhere I go to and even some come up to take a closer at my face. What are they thinking? Do they want to beat me up (I live in VA which is a conservative state) or they could be attracted? Everyone has been staring at me for months now but don't think got a dirty or disgusted look yet....

What's on their minds? Grrrrrr

[Cindy]

Ignore them.

Stand up, be confident, have a smile on your face and don't make deliberate eye contact with guys. Woman making eye contact with guys is 'often' a "I'm interested in you" sign. Without being rude, guys can be pretty basic in their body language readings. So they may stare at you to see; if you are a woman giving them a chance, if you are a Gay guy trying to interest them, or other such things. If you are in a conservative place men may be very afraid of their sexuality and don't know how to respond to people who don't quite fit the conservative mould they are used to.

So be a bit cautious.  Get used to looking around yourself,  instead of looking at people individually. I tend to look at the crowd rather than at individuals. I'm aware of individuals, but I don't attract attention by looking at them. Some men can get quite agro if they get stared at, it is an immaturity thing but you don't want to provoke a negative reaction.

[MadelineB]

Hi, I'm a 22 year old MTF that started HRT exactly one month ago but I don't think there's much difference yet. I still have short hair (letting it grow, about 3 inches now). I wear lip gloss and mascara everywhere I go while I'm stuck as male and recently got my ears pierced (nothing girly, just standard jewelry for 6 weeks). My acne finally went away.

I'm sure people are staring at me because they see the lip gloss and ears pierced, or maybe my new smooth skin. But it's the men that I'm afraid of. Men stare at me everywhere I go to and even some come up to take a closer at my face. What are they thinking? Do they want to beat me up (I live in VA which is a conservative state) or they could be attracted? Everyone has been staring at me for months now but don't think got a dirty or disgusted look yet....

What's on their minds? Grrrrrr

Hi Chris,
Welcome to Susan's. Great question! Since this is a question and not a news story, I will be moving your topic out of  the People News section and into our Transitioning discussion area, where more people will get a chance to respond with their own experiences!
-MadelineB, news staff

[michelleinktown]

They are looking at you because it is not something they see everyday.  The more you are out in the public and the more you are willing to educate people about what it is you are going through the better.  I have people look at me all the time, but I am a strong confident woman, and I will tell myself that they are looking becuase dam I'm hot for 50.  You are beatiful, be proud of who you are and walk with your head held high.  2012, nobody has the right to tell you want to wear or how you should present yourself.  Do it with class, don't wear inappropriate clothing and blend in with what other women are wearing not the stippers or porno stars and they will accept you.

Hugs
Michelle

[MadelineB]

Hi CaliforniaChris,
For about 6 months before I went full time at work, I dressed androgynously (in female labelled clothing that could pass for male), earrings (but no mascara), and subtle nail polish, and I started to grow my hair out. For the last two months of that time, I was also on HRT.

What I found was that because I was letting myself be fully aware of my female gender, and knew in my heart that I was "dressing up" as male each day, my mannerisms, body language, attitude, etc started to shift and if they didn't look up and see my bald forehead or my 5 o' clock shadow, people started to perceive me as female. Then if they did get a look (or listen) to part of my presentation that was more clearly male, they got confused and a little disconcerted - especially guys who had initially seen an attractive female. Towards the end, Human Resources where I work was getting 2 or 3 inquiries a week by people who were confused by my presentation even though I was trying so hard to stay in male mode.

Fortunately I work for a good company in a state that has workplace protections for gender identity and expression, but people were visibly - and vocally - relieved when I came out, and started coming to work fully female in my presentation! I instantly got far far fewer stares out in public as well, and mostly if I do get a stare, it turns out to be someone who loves my hair, or my nails, or if a guy... just checking out my body like guys do.

Oh, one more thing: many people do assume if they perceive a male with a feminine style of gender expression, that the person is a gay male. Before I came out full time, I started to get stares and flirting from some of our dear gay brothers as I started to set off gaydar.

[crazy old bat]

I always thought it was because I was funny looking.

[AbraCadabra]

I always thought it was because I was funny looking.

"Funny looking" is kind of relative, also depends on ones self-assurance and presentation.
An interesting looking TG is something to behold. There is some POWER there that we are no seeing very often in cis-females. Something I realized more of late. This makes us somewhat extraordinary, and if managed in a stylish way... wow!!! Key word: "Power Frau"

I have seen (I guess I did) some extraordinary Trans women and they struck me as very attractive even sexy. Fashion houses have realized just that quite some time ago and like to present a femme-andro-look quite often these days. Again, the idea is 'power'.

It's the same as having a good pinch of salt in your pudding, and not only (E2) sugar --- but also beware not to "over-egg your pudding" by looking low class, or trashy like... just my suggestion, as I HAVE seen such and it is to give your "power" away IMHO.
If that makes any sense?
Axélle

[Kevin Peña]

Just be confident, like already said. It's like having someone pull your pants down (I know, weird analogy). If you let your embarrassment out, people will eat you alive, but if you don't show any bother, the offender just winds up looking like a jerk. A lack of confidence, in summary, basically confirms one's suspicions. It may be hard, but just keep your poker face on and if anyone comes to take a close look at your face, just ask them why they're staring at you like some creep and they'll likely back off out of embarrassment. Remember not to let some looks bother you, because you know who you are, and if anyone can't accept that, then they're just ignorant. Stay strong, After all, a stare can't hurt you.

[sandrauk]

There is someone I see in local shops. They wear female jeans,jacket, tops and get a lot of stares. I'm avoiding gendering them as I just don't know. They come into my shop and talk with a male voice and use a male's credit card. TBH it just leaves me very confused as to how to deal with them, I'm happy either way and don't want to offend them.

It may not be what they want but I kind of wish they would put on some make-up as they could pass quite well.

The point is, if you want to stand out by part dressing, then fine, but if you want to blend in you have to go the whole hog unless you're very lucky.

To answer your original question they are probably trying to work out how to interact with you.

[Meshi]

This is just me, but i did not go out in public until I was what I would consider myself halfway passable.  Why put yourself through this kind of ridicule if you dont have to??  I wanted very badly to be female looking, but at the time I was NOT, so i looked in the mirror and I was honest with myself. I do admire your confidence, but is it worth it right now?   I saved myself alot of this kind of reaction, just by waiting.  I do not consider myself the best looking TS, but at least now when ppl stare, it is not because I look weird, but because Im an attractive woman.  I say..save yourself the grief. Just my opinion. 

[Rita]

people stare at you in boy mode even, estrogen may not be as psychically transformative as Testosterone but it really has the power to control peoples subconscious.  Its not because they think your a freak always, sometimes you might be getting other kind of stares.

It is terribly embarrassing, especially so for an MTF but is even so for a biological woman.

[dj1990]

All I can say is that I know when men look at me it's because they find it entertaining that I'm so feminine even though
I'm a boy. I haven't experienced any dirty looks or rude comments...just offers to do something on the side from men who have girlfriends...which is...disturbing.

[Kevin Peña]

I agree with Michelle in that you should go out when you feel comfortable and able to pass. If you're feeling insecure, it may not be worth it to go out in public early.

[Cindy]

Just a minor point.


To see if you are getting stared at, you have to look at the eyes of other people. People rarely do this unless in conversation. If you do make eye contact with people randomly as you walk you are communicating to them. They will stare as you have attracted their attention either deliberately or unconsciously.


If you concentrate on looking around you in being aware of you environment then people won't normally stare at you.

[cindianna_jones]

Men stare at me everywhere I go to and even some come up to take a closer at my face. What are they thinking?

With the exception of the fine men on the board here, I've found that men only think of one thing. Sex. It's a sub concious thought that's always churning. So, they see someone or something that bothers their feelings in some abstract way. Sometimes they feel threatened. Sometimes they are just curious. Some are just plain fundamentalist bigots.

Be careful. I'm paranoid about such things. While I agree that people will accept us as we become visible. It also makes sense to exercise caution in certain geographical areas.

Good luck to you!

Cindi