Feeling really out of place

[Elsa.G]

I've been transitioned for over 2 years now, ive been on hrt for about 1 year and a half. I have had many ups and downs through this transition, mostly downs. There are times when i sit and think about a way out- suicide is usually the first thing that pops into my mind. I am 23 years old now- i am quite unhappy with myself, i hate my body, my looks and i feel hopeless all the time. Sometimes i break down and cry, there are days when i don't even get out of bed. This past week alone i've gained like 3 pounds from binge eating and drinking. I know for a fact that im depressed and i've gotten help for this but i still end up this way. At times i think if maybe my pain will only end when im dead. Transition is a hard road for sure but recently i have begun to lose hope in this, i don't feel like i will ever be "whole" so to speak. I don't see many changes, i know hrt is unpredictable but i would at least expect a little difference but nothing. When i look in the mirror all i see is still this disgusting male body, i cannot even shower with the lights on anymore as the mere sight of my parts drives me almost crazy. For the sake of my sanity i don't bother to look anymore. Is there something wrong with me? am i expecting too much? is it too soon to really expect anything? my patience is growing thin and i feel like i will never be happy with myself. All i want is at least a little bit of change so i can feel that there is a light at the end somewhere but so far im still in a dark hole. Also whenever im around women, such as in the ladies bathroom or somewhere with many women such as the mall, i feel like a freak, like i dont belong there with them. Im out of place right now

[Devlyn]

Hon, if you feel suicidal you need to call one of the hotlines, a member of the clergy, even an emergency room can help. We need you around! Hugs, Devlyn

[Alainaluvsu]

It sounds to me like you have a self image issue that reaches beyond transsexuality. I would go see a psych, and not necessarily one that specializes in trans issues.

[Constance]

Suicide Hotlines--Numbers You Can Call

I would add the following to Arch's thread above.

• GLBT National Help Center
  http://www.glnh.org/index2.html
  GLBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
  GLBT National Youth Talkline: 1-800-246-743
  Online Peer-support Chat
• San Francisco Night Ministry
  Non-denominational and non-judgemental
  Crisis Line Counseling (10pm to 2am Pacific time): 1-415-441-0123

[Jamie D]

Elsa, I've read through your posts for the last few months.  I know you have been having a tough time - with the housing situation, the job situation, cosmetic problems, and generally just getting by from day to day.

Sometimes we need that support system that family can give us.  You have family back home, and you have family here.  I want you to talk with someone about your depression and feelings of being out of place.

Because you are worth it.

[UCBerkeleyPostop]

I've been transitioned for over 2 years now, ive been on hrt for about 1 year and a half. I have had many ups and downs through this transition, mostly downs. There are times when i sit and think about a way out- suicide is usually the first thing that pops into my mind. I am 23 years old now- i am quite unhappy with myself, i hate my body, my looks and i feel hopeless all the time. Sometimes i break down and cry, there are days when i don't even get out of bed. This past week alone i've gained like 3 pounds from binge eating and drinking.

Help is out there. On March 18th, 2009, I had my last drink and began attending Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Getting clean helped me take the final steps toward SRS and enrolling in school and looking toward a new career and now live in an environment where everyone sees me as the woman I am. Addressing the addiction made it all possible.

[cindianna_jones]

Please live. Your life is special. You are loved. You are wanted.

A friend is looking for you, neither you nor she knows it yet. A fruitful life lies ahead, you can't see it yet. Love and acceptance will be yours, it will come later.

Self-perceived beauty lies. Others don't see you and judge. They don't leave their own little boxed in versions of reality. Where they are and where you are matters little. Be proud and confident. A quiet child is rarely noticed.

Feel good. Sometimes you can trick yourself. Paste a positive message where you see it often. Don't despair. Have fun. Remember, you have great worth.

I second the advise already posted.

Chin up and all of that.

Cindi

[Amazon D]

Hey there lil sis get a cheap corset cincher and change your hip to waist ratio.. believe me they work..

my first post from a while ago
......................
corsets do work to change your hip to waist ratio but you have to use the cincher type and only at night while sleeping and on an empty stomach at least 3 hours after eating food. Say if you eat at 7pm a snack you can put it on at 11pm but the longer you go without eating is best each night. It will change your tummy mscles and lock them in and also reduce your appetite too. Make sure if you do get one tighten it slowly a little more each night and well make those changes about once a week. Never wear it during the day and never never wear it after eating because it can cause internal issues in your digestive tract.

see the following link and see at the bottom the strings that have to be tightened each evening before going to bed.

It should also only have the 4 hook cinchers any other are too big and won't cut into the space between hip bones and lowest rib bone..

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Goth-Top-Corset-PVC-Steel-Boned-Waist-Training-Cincher-/260768359829


not sure if the below link of me still works but it does show up on my computer..

http://web.archive.org/web/20070503033734/http://hometown.aol.com/danielegrl/myhomepage/news.html

When i used mine around 14 yrs ago i would take it off when i woke p to pee each night sally around 2am after getting about 4 hours use. I also eventually used a pillow to support my waist because the waist was pulled in we naturally relax and that would cause stress if a pillow wasn't sed to support the waist area.

PS: If your someone with a large tummy with hard internal blockages you will have to fast and drink juices to get rid of the blockages yo have. Otherwise it can be detrimental to your health.. If you have a large waist but its all flubber on the outside and not internal bloackages you can start to tighten it but you will have to go much slower than an average waist person.

PS: If you can wear some smooth towel around your waist before tightening the cincher that will help your skin from the laytex material casing any skin issues.. I used a white T shirt material
........................

or my other post
..........................
here is the type that worked for me http://www.absolutecorsets.com/underbust-corsets/leather/a-c310.htm

HERE IS ONE FOR 54.00

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Renaissance-Pirate-Corset-Cincher-Medieval-Gothic-Black-/140517773146


here is one listed for training which might be stronger at 64.00
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Goth-Top-Corset-PVC-Steel-Boned-Waist-Training-Cincher-/260768359829


my corset cincher helped me to keep a smaller than usual waist and i only wore it at night time after i slept and had 3 hours to digest all foods. I then would awake around 3am and unloosen it and go back to sleep. I never wore it during the day time.. It sure changed my hip to waist ratio.. a cincher is a 4 button tiny corset with strings in rear to tighten slowly over time.. it fits between the hip bone and ribs.. nothing elaborate just strong and tiny with just 4 snaps.. anything wider will hrt your body and i used a pillow between corset and bed each night to fill in the space i made as a slept on my side.. 


...........................

hugs lil sister.
from your big sister old enough to be your momma 

[MadelineB]

Hi Elsa sweetie,
You have done a couple of good things:
You realized that you are depressed.
You realized that you can't handle this alone.
You realized that you might not be thinking straight, because you have dealt with depression before, and that's what depression does. It makes you not able to always think straight.
You reached out instead of keeping it to yourself.


Good!


Remember that you have been depressed before, and even though it hurt like hell, you got treatment and you felt a lot better.


Remember that we always remember best, the times where we had the same emotions we are feeling now, so when you are depressed, you remember all the sad times vividly and none of the glad times.


There have been a lot of glad times. You found yourself! You found the courage to transition. You went on hormones. You have seen professionals to help you on your way. You have started to live your life in your new gender. Those are awesome accomplishments. And you are just beginning. My god. 23! And you already are looking like the beautiful young woman you are. You are right on time. You are ahead of schedule.


You are going to feel again
You are going to feel good again,
You are going to remember the good times and make many new great times.
You are going to get to the place you are going to.
You are going to find wonderful people to go there with you.
Sometimes you will carry them.
Sometimes others will carry you.
But you will get there.


So don't treat this disease lightly. The depression amplifies every other challenge; so deal with this depression now, and love yourself today.


Get help today. And tomorrow. And the day after. As many times as it takes.


Binge eating isn't a sin, but it's also only a mediocre way to increase your serotonin, and it has its own side effects. See your doctor right away to get your neuro transmitters going in the right direction.


Alcohol makes depressed feelings much worse - so don't drink until your head is clear again, or if you can't stop, get to AA. There are tons of great people there who understand depression.


Get some sunlight every day.


Get on your feet and go somewhere, give your body, your hands, something to do.


If your depression is making you inverted, where you sleep all day and can't sleep at night, do what several studies find is a very powerful antidepressant - stay awake for a whole cycle, no naps, until you get to the night time and your body lets you sleep. Then sleep - it boosts your neurotransmitters for some reason.


Listen to music that you find comforting.


It's ok to get mad - but get mad at your problems - get mad at this depression that is trying to kill you - don't get mad at yourself. Let that stuff go. A lot of depression is anger turned inward. It's ok to be mad.


When you're 23, joys are high and sads are low. Ride it out. You'll be on the up before you know.


And get your bum in to your doctor or therapist, pronto.


Call them, tell them it is an emergency.


My therapist complains that her clients don't call her, especially transgender women, like we don't want to be a bother. It's not a bother. That's her job, and she cares about you. Call her and let her help.


You can't help others until you help yourself. Get the help you need, because the world needs people like you.


Like some others have said, the gender dysphoria will be much easier to deal with when your depression isn't in the driver's seat. It is getting amplified.


Hugs,
Maddie

[justmeinoz]

I have come to the conclusion that it is the rest of the world who are the odd ones out, as they rarely know who they really are.  We do.  I hang onto that thought when things are bad.

If you know that you suffer from Depression, therapy is he way to go.  That and anti-depressants as a band-aid until things start to improve. It can get a lot better, so give it a shot. It worked for me.  We need all our sisters and brothers in the TG family, so please stay with us.

I have come to the conclusion that there are several women out there who are right for me and will love me for who I am, it is just a matter of finding them, in what is not that big a city.  So don't give up on love either.

Karen.

[Dawn Heart]

Elsa, Let me first send my compassion and care your direction (virtually, as it is since we are on an internet forum). Second, you can truly take comfort knowing you aren't alone and people out here absolutely care.

When I was in my teen years, there came a point where I went through a crisis of feeling like a freak, like I wasn't normal and had to figure out what "normal" was anyway. This was at the height of my gender dysphoria. I was in the care of a psych professional and this professional knew nothing about what was going on with me because I was still too scared to speak up.

I got close to speaking up and then my fears held me back. I clammed up. I hated my body, and I used depression and anxiety as a way to explain the way I felt. I felt alone, terrified, confused, and a whole list of emotions all at once. Like you, I didn't want to even see my body, especially my reproductive anatomy.

While all of this was happening, I was also enduring daily beatings at school based on the other kids' perception of me and my sexual / gender identity. How they picked up on it, I didn't know and still don't know to this day. I used that stuff to cover up what the complete picture was inside me at the time. I only told a half-truth, and to this day I honestly regret it 100%.

I got help in the end and moved on from that time in my life. The main idea here is that even the strongest people, even the most intelligent people, even the most mature people need to seek help sometimes. I have learned that a person breaks down when they have tried to be strong for too long. Seeking help is not for weak minded people, seeking help is a brave and courageous thing to do.

I was so very scared to visit my new therapist recently and admit that there have been parts of my life and my story that I have kept hidden for my entire life which contributed to my being offered the wrong treatments or only treatments that were half-right because I only told part of the truth. The compassionate, educated, intelligent, helpful, kind, response I got from her said volumes and made me feel better. This goes to prove that the replies of others here are true when they say "It gets better"!

As I close my response, please allow me to pass hope into your hands as a free gift from a fellow human being who hears your pain. Let me pass positive possibilities to you as an added gift. All I ask is that you use these gifts to make your life better and then pass them on to others when you are strong enough and well enough to be supportive to someone else in their time of need.