Punishing Myself - Human Beings are so Funny, are They Not?

[rhonda13000]

I have been quite depressed lately; this was a 'pit', a whirlpool of ever deteriorating emotion and attitude.

I did muse upon 'extreme courses', but I am really not so sure that I could actually go through with such...

But today after everybody left from work for the day, I stayed behind alone in the Shop.

True enough, I had to reinstall the OS (XP Pro SP2) on my laptop and that takes time and I did not want to interrupt the process, but I stayed more or less to think.

The Shop after hours is a very quiet and private place to think and ruminate upon things unfettered by the ambient noise of life...

And after a while of really feeling like hell, it occurred to me that I was basically punishing myself both for having made a choice to press on with transition no matter what, and the fact that I am TS.

And I just shook my head at the absurdity of this.

"WHY are you doing this, you twit? The process can now proceed unimpeded and there is no going back. You did not ask to be born TS, so why on earth are you doing this to yourself??"

Absolutely ridiculous!!   

"The Human Experience" indeed. 

"Full Speed Ahead, With Confidence." 

[Jillieann Rose]

Yes they are Rhonda.
I'm glad you had time to think.
And that you shared it with us.
Hang in there girl.

Jillieann

[katia]

i think it's perfectly normal for a person who is coming out of depression. you've gotten so used to living in this depressed state, that now you don't know how to handle being happy. just give yourself some time, and you'll learn how to handle the happiness again.   

[Suzy]

Rhonda,

As I'm sure you know, depression is often described as anger turned inward.  It is never logical.  So don't worry about trying to make it be so.  It is a no win downward spiral.  I can remember times when it felt like the sunlight was breaking through, only to punish myself for enjoying a day while the rest of everything was so bad.  No it doesn't make sense.  Absurdity?  Yes! 

Lighten up, sweetie!  You are coming to better days.  Don't lose them to depression.

Peace!

Kristi

[Kimberly]

"Full Speed Ahead, With Confidence." 

^*SMILE*

Sometimes, that is the only course available.

[RebeccaFog]

I have been quite depressed lately; this was a 'pit', a whirlpool of ever deteriorating emotion and attitude.

I did muse upon 'extreme courses', but I am really not so sure that I could actually go through with such...

But today after everybody left from work for the day, I stayed behind alone, in the Shop.

True enough, I had to reinstall the OS (XP Pro SP2) on my laptop and that takes time and I did not want to interrupt the process, but I stayed more or less to think.

The Shop after hours is a very quiet and private place to think and ruminate upon things unfettered by the ambient noise of life...

And after a while of really feeling like hell, it occurred to me that I was basically punishing myself both for having made a choice to press on with transition no matter what, and the fact that I am TS.

And I just shook my head at the absurdity of this.

"WHY are you doing this, you twit? The process can now proceed unimpeded and there is no going back. You did not ask to be born TS, so why on earth are you doing this to yourself??"

Absolutely ridiculous!!   

"The Human Experience" indeed. 

"Full Speed Ahead, With Confidence." 

Make it so, Baby!

[rhonda13000]

Rhonda,

As I'm sure you know, depression is often described as anger turned inward.  It is never logical.  So don't worry about trying to make it be so.  It is a no win downward spiral.  I can remember times when it felt like the sunlight was breaking through, only to punish myself for enjoying a day while the rest of everything was so bad.  No it doesn't make sense.  Absurdity?  Yes! 

Lighten up, sweetie!  You are coming to better days.  Don't lose them to depression.

Peace!

Kristi

Indeed. 

I had forgotten how so very valuable it is, just to sequester myself away in total silence, privacy and 'anonymity' and just meditate and think things through.

The Shop after hours is really the only environment where I can do this,...to 'reset' the mind, if you will.

That experience in itself, taught me a valuable lesson.

[RebeccaFog]

what kind of shop do you work in, Rhonda?

[Hazumu]

Somewhere else I mentioned the Robin Williams routine, where he imitates a FundeVangelist Tele-preacher and says;

"God has a sense of humor;  just -- look around you..."

Karen

[michael 19 jones]

I'm glad you are over that mountain.

I'm still trying to get to the summit. 

I forgot where this quote came from but it has been a big helper for me.

""Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."

[amberctm]

Rhonda,
I get what you mean by the shop being quiet. I used to be a mechanic and after hours is a real transformation when the air guns and voices fall silent. I used to go in on the week ends to tinker just to hear the silence and think about everything. What a wonderful experience that was.
_mischa

[gothique11]

Depression sux, but I'm glad you realize things and you're going ""Full Speed Ahead, With Confidence."

[rhonda13000]

what kind of shop do you work in, Rhonda?

Electric shop, hon.

I'm an aircraft electrician.

Rhonda,
I get what you mean by the shop being quiet. I used to be a mechanic and after hours is a real transformation when the air guns and voices fall silent. I used to go in on the week ends to tinker just to hear the silence and think about everything. What a wonderful experience that was.
_mischa

You know, you understand.

And it is remarkable how a huge empty hangar at night, during a rainstorm can evoke some of the most profound thinking and rumination...