Hi!
I'm a newbie and happy to have found this community. Here is a little introduction and background info:
My name is Berg and I'm a 30 years old FtM. I'm not "out" yet, but my urge to come out and start a transition keeps getting stronger and stronger.
I've had a male gender identity for as long as I can remember. As a little kid I was always very boyish. Around age 9 I started realizing that there was a way to get to "be a boy", so to speak, and get a break from girly expectations, when I repeatedly found myself in the position of being taken for a boy by various people. I started accentuating my boyish features on purpose and never corrected people when they took me for a boy. I loved when people identified and treated me as a boy. I felt like I was finally being allowed to be myself, although it was always just a temporary thing until someone else pointed out to people that they were "mistaken" about my gender. This continued for years. It wasn't until my late teens (around 18 I think) that people stopped taking me for a guy, but it's pretty clear to everyone who knows me that I'm not a typical woman by any stretch of the imagination.
Around that same time I started giving it some serious thought to have a sex change, but I eventually decided to put it off, because I was at a very difficult place in my life and felt that I needed to deal with other things first (my health, certain family circumstances etc.).
The years have gone by and I haven't been happy playing this role that is expected of me. It's not me and the longer I go along with it, the more draining it feels. I make less and less of an effort to be what society expects of me and the steps I've taken towards a more outwardly male identity have been liberating. I want to take it further though. The desire to go ahead and let an old dream come true by starting an actual transition keeps getting stronger.
I'm a little hesitant though. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot for this, but there is one thing I'm not really ready to sacrifice. You see, I've been married for 9 years and it's been a good marriage. I told my husband about my gender identity before we got married. He thought it was just a phase I was going through and that I'd get over it. Over the years he has come to understand and accept better that I still identify as a man and that it's not going to change. He's been pretty cool about it so far and doesn't mind me referring to myself as a guy and acting like a guy and he's supportive of a breast reduction and such, but we've never really discussed the possibility of me going through further transition and physically and officially becoming a man. I think he's going to have a hard time accepting that (and I don't really know how much I can expect of him as a heterosexual man) and I worry about how this thing is going to affect our relationship and whether he will stick around. I really don't want to lose him, but I don't know if there is any other way.
Anyway, this is getting too long, but this is where I'm at at the moment. I hope to get a chance to discuss things over better with some of you and both get and give support and tips.
See you around!
Berg
