When is the right time to tell your child that you are trans?

[Stewie]

I was thinking about this today. By the time I have a child with my fiancee, I will have already transitioned to the point where I've had chest surgery and hopefully pass 100%. Basically, I will have gotten my life and everything in order and am living full-time as male. But I'm wondering when is the right time? My fiancee said that middle school would be a good time because then they can understand it better. But that scares me big time. I know how angsty kids get at that age. I really don't want our child to feel betrayed or hate me for a period of time. I feel like I should tell them early on but this is a two person decision. I just wish I knew what was right. Though I don't think there is really a "right" answer.

[Oriah]

best time to tell them?  Yesterday


second best time?  Today

[snowboarderchic]

my son was 6 and my daughter was three, so it all they have really known. My ex-doesn't respect me enough to use female pronouns, but my kids do. My daughter is a little confused but I think that is due to my ex, because it's only when she's around my daughter acts really different. When it's just my daughter, she acts like im the only person in the world. My son just loves everyoned anyway, but he has adjusted extreamly well(he's 11). Im kind worried when he starts middle school, but most of the kids know me anyway because I taught a lot of his friends how to snowboard.


So I would say elementary school would be the best time. It will give them time to really adjust, and since you'll be passing anyway it doesn't have to be broadcast anyway.

[sneakersjay]

I probably would have told my kids when they were little, while looking at photo albums of me as a kid.  "Yes, when Daddy was born they thought I was a girl, but I wasn't." And leave it at that until when or if they ever ask.  I figure I'd rather be the one to tell them than to have some 'well-meaning' (read: busybody) decide to tell them my 'secret' later. For most kids if you don't make a big deal out of it, it won't be a big deal.



As much as I wish to forget my trans history, this is something better told.  I think the earlier the better.  No secrets.  I know I'd be pissed if my parents waited to tell me something like this (or if I were adopted, or if my dog died and didn't 'go to a farm', etc).  You can be very nonchalant about it and it will be no big deal.

Edited to add:  Give kids credit.  They really are capable of much more than people give them credit for, even toddlers.  They are very intelligent and compassionate and cool little people.  Too many adults try to shield them from things, but kids would rather be told the truth, in a  way they can understand, right up front.  I don't think it is ever a good idea to keep secrets from your kids. 

Jay

[~RoadToTrista~]

You're right, waiting till he or she is in middle school is not a good time at all and it would cause trust issues. OMG if my parents did that...... It's best for them to know at a young age.

[Hayzer12]

I think it's a personal preference thing?


I mean unless you're transitioning WHILE you have a child - which would be very confusing for a young person. You would HAVE to educate them on what being trans means, what transitioning means, and adjustment may require a lot of individual time, care, and maybe even family counseling just for everyone to adjust well(individualistic basis, of course).


If you have already transitioned BEFORE having a child, I guess it depends. I mean informing them on trans people would be a definite must, and may better prepare them for the future if you choose to tell them


Actually, I don't see much wrong with keeping it to yourself if you're fully transitioned. Some people choose to be stealth completely. COMPLETELY.


It's just personal preference, really


I would probably tell my partner(if I met the partner after I had transitioned) and then discuss it with her(or him in some of your cases) as to when to tell the child

[Anon]

If I ever have kids I will tell them about people born with transsexualism at the same time I teach them about cis people's bodies. When I was little I started asking questions about that at about 2, 3 or 4 years old. I wouldn't be worried about them being confused or anything because they would always know me as their daddy. Also that way they'll always have grown up with a healthy understanding and respect for the different types of bodies people are born with.

[Stewie]

What about kids talking about it?  That's the part I've thought about.  I wouldn't be worried about shielding my kid, but I would still want to wait until they're old enough to really understand that the family skeletons ought remain in the closet.  I would be very unhappy if my (future) four-year-old announced to random people that his daddy used to be a girl.

THIS is what worries me the most. I know that chances are, my kid will just see it as if I had just told him/her that a firetruck is red (sorry I can't come up with a better example lol but it's been a loooooong day)
I am worried that because children don't know better, they say things.

[Darth_Taco]

My kids will grow up knowing about my trans status. I feel it's pointless to hide something to big about me. It also feels that if I hide this, that it'll show them that there's something to be ashamed of. I don't want them to be ashamed of me or other people in our situation, I want them to be understanding. I'll also tell them to be careful with who they tell since not everyone will understand XP.

[justmeinoz]

Mine are 24 and 28 so the poll doesn't really cover them, but it has turned out that instead of coming to terms with it, as I thought they were, they would rather reject me than suffer embarrassment ion front of their friends. 
Sad, but they are adults responsible for their own decisions and will have to live with their consciences.
It hurt a lot, but I have recovered and am busy getting on with my life as a happy, well adjusted woman.

Karen.

[AdamMLP]

I'd tell them when they're at the point you can hold good conversation with them before they start running off or getting distracted.  Every time I found something out about my parents since I can remember - I can't remember much at all before I was eight or nine - I've totally lost it.  I'm pretty prone to depression so that's probably why, but still if I'm going to freak out about discovering that my mother was on the pill when she conceived me and hadn't wanted a child for at least another two years, or that my Grandad's been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and no one thought to tell me, I don't know what I might of been like if my dad told me he was trans.   I might have been better with that, or I might have been worse I don't know but I'd not want to take the risk of making my child feel lied to like I was.

[Adio]

Personally I have no desire to have/raise children.  But if I had transitioned after already having a child, I would tell them as soon as possible in the most age appropriate way.  If I were to have a child in the future after transitioning, I'm not sure I'd tell them at all.

[Jeatyn]

In  theory I'd like to tell my daughter as soon as she's old enough to hold a conversation (like 4/5) but like others I worry that at that age she wouldn't be able to comprehend the confusing concept of it being nothing to be ashamed of but at the same time not something you broadcast to the world.


Then again in this small town I live in I have pretty much zero chance of being stealth anyway everyone she could possibly tell has going to have seen my transition in the first place


I know it will come up with her fairly young, because she will ask the inevitable question about why she has two daddys when the other kids have one mummy and one daddy. I don't want to spit out a load of lies when she asks that question

[henrytwob]

 I hear a lot of " I woulds" Or " I plan to" and then some rationale for how the writer feels and why. I'm not sure those statement are realistic. The truth is, until you are in that space, you will have no idea what you will really feel/think/do.

I am just beginning to realize than I am either trans (most likely) or genderqueer (to say the least) and trying to put a name to something that I really am having a hard time coming to grips with myself. I also have two older teen sons. I think everyday about how will I tell them. As I am still in the initial stages I don't say anything, they have enough to deal with, with AP classes, looking at colleges, part time jobs, their own friends, and of course, trying to get girlfriends. It would be too much, and they would be too embarrassed to share this info or process it with their friends. It would "rock their world" and not in a good way.

I am not criticizing anyone on this board. I am just trying to put out that how we think we will act when a topic is abstract is often very different then how we feel about the topic when it is  a reality, this goes for many things. As a nurse, I see families cope with end of life decisions, and they know that they should do, or "what mom would want", but when reality is at hand, it is entirely different, and more difficult decision.

There are also things that might play into your decision on when to tell or what to tell that are not even known to you right now. The decision may be influenced by where you are living, L.A. is different than Lubbock Texas. Or other things may come up that makes it important to tell, even if you hadn't plan on it.
I'm just saying,  give yourself some wiggle room when you envision the future.

[Adio]

@henrytwob:  Many of the questions on this board are hypothetical ones for many members and people still answer.  Just saying that those types of answers are common.

[sneakersjay]

My kids were 9 and 13 when I told them.  It was right around the time Thomas Beattie was having his first child, so it made a good segue into the conversation.  That and my older kid had noticed I was shopping in the men's department.  It was a non-issue for them.
Jay

[henrytwob]

That is good to hear. I'm glad it was a non issue.