the secret is out - to some at least

[henrytwob]

 Well, the cat appears out of the bag. It could have gone worse I guess. Actually it went pretty well, all things considered.
For those who have not read any of my posts I am in my forties remarried with two teenage boys. I've always felt, lets say 'not like other girls'. I've always had (until kids) mostly male friends and many 'male interests". More than anything else, I just seem to "think' more like a guy -  of course I hate all this stereotyping.  However, part of the problem is not fit society's expectations of gendered behavior.
But to make a long story short, my husband has noticed a change in my dressing, and as he says "just general  'aura',  body language,  etc.  . He is very bothered by my gender expression, or perhaps more clearly the lack of assumed gender presentation.
He stated he has no desire to be married to a male. He married a women and he wants to be married to a woman who likes being a woman and takes pride in being a woman.  It has already come out that I am 'not like the woman he married 6 years ago'.   We had a long discussion and I told him that I don't know what I am anymore – that I've never been happy/comfortable as a female. I also explained that at the present time I am not doing anything 'drastic' about my gender stuff (I have too many other irons in the fire – like finished my graduate degree!!!).  But I also explained that I am actually happier now with the few changes I've been comfortable making and don't plan on going back to playing a role that I did not like in the first place.  I explained that I really didn't know where this would end.
And he, or we, agreed to watch and wait.  I understand his needs and wants, and I think he understands where I am coming from.  I also explained that if he needs a very feminine wife – he married the wrong person in the first place.  I wish he didn't have to go through this.  Having read other posts about transitions I can see that often times partners cannot take the change, which is not unexpected. I also suggest it might be harder on a guy whose female partner is turning male as opposed to a girl whose female partner is turning male. Either case, I can see how hard the whole process is.
We'll see how it goes. It could have been worse.  I don't want to break up my family, on the other hand, I can't go on pretending to be something that is not who I am.

[Diane Elizabeth]

 also suggest it might be harder on a guy whose female partner is turning male as opposed to a girl whose female partner is turning male. Either case, I can see how hard the whole process is.

Interesting statement.  How is it harder for male partner than a female partner whose spouse is transitioning?  I would think that it would depend on each individual SO.  AS there is no two journeys the same for transitioning- there is no two journeys of accepting or not accepting journey from the SO.
  Your SO may be having a hard time since he has different expectations than a lot of others for their spouse.

[henrytwob]

I only say this for a few reason. One is that all the videos on youtube about couples where one is transitioning seem mostly to to done by FTMs whowere in same sex relationships. And I think that might be part of it, in one example the couple is going from a same sex relationship into what becomes a heterosexual relationship versus starting in a heterosexual relationship and finding you are in a homosexual relationship. Either way, the couple will be seen differently and that could certainly impact the relationship.  I also wonder if "homophobia' is just not more prevalent in cis men. I mean, if it comes down to me making a transition my mate would find himself sleeping with another male, and even though the person I am inside might not have changed, the outward appearance would just not do it for him. Interestingly, as I consider the bottom surgery 'not ready for prime time', or at least not for me (of course could change my mind) the fact that I would be anatomically the same downstairs is till irrelevant to him. he wants the whole package - breasts, curves, etc. I can understand that.

WE'll see what happens. i would love to know what has happened to others in similar situations.
I am actually just quite happy that I am a member of this board and able to express this somewhere.

[Diane Elizabeth]

  My SO is not happy with my transitioning.  She says she is not interested in being in a lesbian relationship.  Talk about being homophobic.  So far she hasn't banned me from using the bedroom- just no intimatcy for her.

[henrytwob]

Good pt. I can see where my reasoning was wrong. I was thinking only about FTM, not including MTF. I ask myself the same question. If the shoe were on the other foot, how would I feel?
Is it just a response to what any individual is attracted to?

How long have you and your partner been dealing with this?

I wonder if it really depends on how attractive I would find my partner after transition, I guess. I for one would have no problem dealing with the social issues and "what others thought".

Indeed I would have no problem with being labeled gay, as I would probably be after i transitioned. Of course, I have read that approx 30% of TS change their sexual preference after transition.

I would love to hear more about your experience in this matter.

[MrTesto]

There are fewer examples of originally-heterosexual marriages where the natal female transitions, that are viewable online or 'visible' in other spaces. I know some, though, and some do stay together, whether as spouses who are still sexual with each other, or as more of companions. I live in a state where same sex marriage is legal, though, so that might make things easier for some of the couples I know. (I'm assuming you are in the US.)

"Watch and wait" might feel very difficult for you. If you can, give him time to get used to the idea. At that point, he may have a lot of grief, at dreams he has to relinquish; and he may have some anger or frustration, or feel like he must have missed something, and now he is being told that if he doesn't like it, he married the wrong person. It's tricky to be going through your own discernment process, in the midst of a family, especially one with two teenage boys!

If you wish, I can ask my friends whether there is an email list or other resources for husbands whose spouses are starting FTM or FTX transition. You should be able to send private messages by now, I think.

[justmeinoz]

If you have always had a core self-identity as a man, then your husband has actually been married to a bloke all along, if we are going to be pedantic.   That you have opened up about something so important to you, should show him how much you trust him. 

Has he ever expressed the usual male wish that, "women should be more like men?", or wondered what planet women come from? I know it sounds facetious, but men do ask these questions when they can't fathom the behaviour of their partner. 

I know that while subject to Testosterone poisoning for so many years that I sometimes did.  Having an FTM partner could be viewed as being married to your closest life-long friend.  Maybe you can look at your marriage as "Genderqueer" and unique rather than a gay relationship.

It's a difficult situation, and I hope you can work it out.  Maybe your husband could have a look at the SO boards?

Karen.

[Diane Elizabeth]

 
                Well, My SO said that if she had known along then we wouldn't have gotten married. She knew that I was bisexual when we first met.   I don't have a problem with being labeled "gay" either.  As a young adult trying to establish my masculinity with myself then I did have trouble with being "gay", and therefore hid that side of me from the public. 
                I didn't know I would get to the point that I had to transition.  I thought the problems I was having was taken care of and long buried.   I started my road officially about 6 years ago and told her about 4 years ago.  We will part ways eventually I am sure.  Sorting out our financial mess first, though.  I believe she hasn't come to terms about my transitioning yet.  The grief process hasn't hit her I think.

[henrytwob]

I know what you are saying about how he could at least realize that having a more male brain, I am at least more comprehensible to him.  However, he wants someone, "soft and feminine". I've never been that feminine, but he can see what he wants. I wish what you said about trust ws actually how it came about. But he is the one that confronted me. I did not tell him of my own choice. My thought process was to figure things out more myself first. I figured why have a "talk" when there might not be anything we need to talk about about. It is just very confusing for all. Like one thing he said was he didn't like the way I was dressing. WHOO Now. When we met I had a terribly stressful job that I did not not and as such I was 15 pounds overweight and felt crappy about myself. That was years ago. I am now fairly buff ( not in the same way I want to be - but getting there), with a BMI of 20. My clothes are much more flattering, even in a masculine way. I did not my hair, but it is now shoulder length. While I passed as a teen with short hair all the time, I know I could never do that now without some injectable help, so that is not even a goal.

I think it just came a shock. Yet, we have had issues and issues about this in some form or another. One fight we had we when I had to remove my horse trailer license plate. To make a long story short, we used to fight over him doing "manly" tasks that i could have done myself. I am extremely independent minded. On the other hand, as he travels for work 55% of the year, our relationship would never have worked from the get go if I were not independent and happy to function without here (and happy when he is here).

I am just happy that I can read how others have coped. I feel supported on this bored and for that I am incredibly grateful. I plan on going to see a therapist who deals with gender issues, I just wanted to hold off a little longer. Right now I must get my school finished.
Thanks all for all the good feedback.

[Berserk]

I also suggest it might be harder on a guy whose female partner is turning male as opposed to a girl whose female partner is turning male. Either case, I can see how hard the whole process is.
We'll see how it goes. It could have been worse.  I don't want to break up my family, on the other hand, I can't go on pretending to be something that is not who I am.

I'd just want to say that I don't think it is "harder on a guy" in a relationship with a transguy originally under the impression that the transguy is female than on a female partner in a relationship when the same thing happens. I think that definitely comes from a homophobic worldview. I think the only thing that would make it difficult is that straight people often go through life having zero contact with the lgbt community and very little awareness of diversity in sexuality, sex and gender, whereas people already in queer or lesbian/gay relationships usually already have some exposure to that diversity and may be less caught off guard by their partner being trans (though definitely not always). I think that would be the only difference.

While you obviously don't want to break up the family, you also have to remember you only have one life to be happy in. Do you really want to wake up one day 15 - 20 years from now and regret that you had to spend your life pretending? Not getting to be who you are? And, at least for me, once I started living as my real self even if its just a small taste like binding for the first time ever...it's hard to go back and pretending just feels worse and worse.

It's a tough situation, and I can't say I've ever been in that kind of a situation as far as marriage/family...but at the same time I think all of us know what its like to come to that moment of realisation where we know that continuing any other way is not healthy for us and that we don't want to be in this same place years and years down the road. It's especially scary when you're first coming out and you feel like you'll lose everything you care about, but that doesn't last and you might end up pleasantly surprised that what you were afraid of never materialised. And even if it does, that doesn't mean that things won't sort themselves out in other ways in the future. People see it as selfish sometimes to take care of themselves...but I think its really important.

If you can point your husband in the direction of some trans resources and even to the forums maybe it would help you both, as well.

[henrytwob]

Hi Berserk I guess you are no about the first part of my post. It is not hat I am homophobic, but my husband is, as are unfortunately many non-gay or bi men. (I have no idea why wen it doesn't seem like women are lesbian-phobic). Of ocurse, that is not to excuse his behavior, we have had talks.

I think it is a good idea for him to read the posts in the sig, other section. He has visited a number of websites about this topic apparently.

And you are right I only have one go round and I don't want to have regrets. My question is, why now. Ok, I've felt like this since my teens, but have always just ignored it. its a lot to think about. My choices per him are limited, and I don't think I will be able to know with the limitations I have.

I guess I must be fairly serious if I am willing to risk so bloody much. But I can not risk my advanced degree. That has to come first.

Thank you all for the support.

[Berserk]

Hi Berserk I guess you are no about the first part of my post. It is not hat I am homophobic, but my husband is, as are unfortunately many non-gay or bi men. (I have no idea why wen it doesn't seem like women are lesbian-phobic). Of ocurse, that is not to excuse his behavior, we have had talks.

I think it is a good idea for him to read the posts in the sig, other section. He has visited a number of websites about this topic apparently.

And you are right I only have one go round and I don't want to have regrets. My question is, why now. Ok, I've felt like this since my teens, but have always just ignored it. its a lot to think about. My choices per him are limited, and I don't think I will be able to know with the limitations I have.

I guess I must be fairly serious if I am willing to risk so bloody much. But I can not risk my advanced degree. That has to come first.

Thank you all for the support.

I wouldn't say women are less inclined to be homophobic toward lesbians. I've known many who take a really disgusting attitude towards lesbians as some kind of "threat" to them. I think its just a matter of straight people needing to stop being so insecure about their sexuality and gender, which tends to be the case, imo. That's why exposing him to more lgbt sources could benefit him.

What sort of sites has he been looking at? Depending on which ones, it could be a good or a bad thing since there are still a lot of people out there who try to "cure" trans people as though there is something wrong with us. I'd give him a few topics to check out around here, like you said.

As far as "why now?" I think that's always hard to answer. When I first admitted it to myself and started coming out, it was because of a few things:

- Not knowing that transguys even existed when I was a teenager, and so not having the language to understand what I was feeling or to express it. So once I found out transguys existed I started obsessing more over reading everything I could and finding groups for transguys.

- Once I had the language, starting to express my sex differently to people even without coming out as trans to them. My mom saw it coming from pretty far away for that reason. I think for me, once I started to bind and wear boxer briefs there was no going back lol As scary as it was to move forward, going back would have been even scarier.

So maybe something like that happened to you recently? Something occurred that put you in touch with who you know yourself to be and gave you a taste of what it was like to live as yourself, maybe you started to dress differently or present yourself differently, even if only for a short time? It's a lot more difficult to just ignore it when you become aware than when you were ignorant of what exactly was going on.

Just a question, how do you think it will affect your degree? There are many people who have come out as trans while in school or while doing graduate work. Coming out doesn't necessarily mean starting up with T or trying to get surgery right away. Its more about just living as yourself. Most universities have pretty good policies about that now.

[henrytwob]

I am actually a distance learner for my MSN degree, so that is not a big deal. I am starting my clinicals in 10 days and I plan on dressing gender neutral. That is a big deal because it is child/adolescent psychiatry. I will be around a handful of shrinks - and they tend to have the worst opinion about about transfolks. I am just going to keep my mouth shut and learn everything I need to and the year will pass quickly - then I will take my boards find an MD to work for and have a practice.

I think this is coming out now because I have had issues after issue to deal with regarding others for the last almost 2 decades (my, how time does fly) and now everything is basically sorted and I can breathe.

I was doing a research paper on GID two semesters ago when I think this sparked a nerve. Actually the nerve was always there and that is why I picked the topic. After reading the articles of Zucker I had an  almost toxic reaction - thinking if my parents required me to do say "brownies' or 'girl scouts'  instead of hanging with my friends, playing street hockey - I could see where i would have become depressed and possibly more. The 'beauty' is that girls, in general, are allowed to act like boys (tomboys) and no one raises an eyebrow. If I were a guy wanting to wear a dress, I'm sure my parents would have noticed.
So I wrote this paper. Then I continued reading.Then last month I decided to buy a binder. Ok, the result of how I felt looking in the mirror might be considered diagnostic in itself.

I agree I'm just taking it one step at a time. I know we have three really good therapists who deal with GLBT clients. Of course they don't take insurance. So I will have to try to save up some money (not easy working only part time).

I'll get this figured out eventually.

I really appreciate everybody's input and esp. when they share their own experiences.  I don't feel nearly so alone and I don't feel like some strange creature anymore. I might not be the person I assumed myself to be, but at least I am getting comfortable with the person I am becoming.