Thoughts & Happenings in My Life

[Jillieann Rose]

This has been a rough day. So I'm just writing this stuff down to sort it out in my mind.

My wife saw me wearing nylons last night. I left my room to go to the bathroom and that is when she saw me.  If I Had not't she would have because she moved out of our bedroom into guess room about a year ago.
Today she told me again, this isn't the first time she said it before it was about my wearing frilly underwear. She said  that to her she felt it was my way of say I'd rather be a woman than her husband. 
When she said it about three months ago I purged most of my female underwear and makeup.  That was when she told me she was looking for another place to live to give me more space.
That's what she said when she moved out of our bedroom too.  I figured that if I could just be the real me mentally I could hold on to our marriage and just occasional cross dressing to keep my sanity.
I have bought just a little makeup again just enough to get by.
As far as the underwear I pick up some men's that look like women's and women's that look like men to wear.
Now it seems I can't even do that without loosing her.

I have been thing allot about another think that has changed recently. My wife seemed very upset over our finances even though we are doing ok. She is the accountant so I have always allowed depended on her to pay the bills. Anyway I agreed to help her anyway I could. She has separated our bills and got her own checkbook. I don't make as much as her so she is taking the house payments and I am paying the utilities. And the other stuff in my name. Now I'm wondering if it is not some of her preparing me for eventual separation.
I have always trusted her and she has proved trust worth.

Other thoughts:
Why would I give up my marriage and family for feeling?

I have reason with myself and decided that it is society and my family that has made me think I must be a female, because I have a gentle mind, preferring to conversing and be with women and don't understand and or even like being around most men.

Okay then why do I still feeling that I am a woman with a male body?

Why do I have a preoccupation with women's things like clothing, shoes and makeup? Why I'm not interested in men's thing. Why?

Why don't I just get over all of this and be myself? It doesn't matter what I wear I just need to be me right.  Then why I dream of dressing like other women and be treated like one?

Am I just going through a midlife crisis or have I just lost control of myself and am run wild with my feelings?  And to the point of losing everyone and thing I hold dear.

Like I have heard it said there is no fool like an old fool. Am I so starry eyed about what is on the other side, male to female, that I can think straight? Like the sheep that think the grass is greener on the other hill.

I don't want to lose my wife or family.
But my mind and body seem to be slowly changing and on there own. My wife asks me a few months ago if I was taking anything to make me more feminine which I wasn't so she has even noticed.  I seem to walk, talk, act and crave this femininity.

I though things were going okay till today know I really don't know and so many things are racing through my mind. That it would work out but now I'm really not sure.

I know my wife has just quite smoking and is very menopausal but is that all it is or is it just compounding everything.

I do feel a little better just putting this thoughts down in writing.
Jillieann

[Ms.Behavin]

Hi Jillieann,

Dear, normal guys who have a mid life crisis go out and purchase either a big truck or a small sports car.  I know where your coming from.  I've had to give up the woman I loved and in some ways still love,  Though I've found that changing just a bit.  But my now friend and I still love and support the other, but we found we could not live in the same place.  Too hard for both of us.  My guess is your wife is making some initial plans to seperate.  It's not easy for her either.


 
From my personal experence,  It is very hard for the woman that loves you or loved you to not feel pain, loss, etc.  The person you are becoming is not who she married.  Sad but true.  And yet you have no real choice as to who you are. Boy do I know that one too. 

You are TS, and frankly nothing will ever change that.  You either are or your not,  and if your not you would not even be here.  It might be time for some honest communcation between you and your wife. 

Do you have a therapist and has your wife, gone with you yet to sessions yet.      You know the feelings you have are pretty much the same I have and other TS people here have.  We don't choose being TS, we just are.  You feel like a woman in a man's body, because well that's what you are.  If your like me that who you've always been. 

It does get better, but well this is the hard time for you.

I do know a bit how you feel, I'm flying to kansas city friday to tell my three teenage children that their dad is a girl.  I'm really not looking forward to that, yet I need to do it..and do it now.  Their mom will just get a letter, as I really don't want to be in Kansas when she finds out.  That's going to fly like a lead balloon.   I have talked to my children on the phone but have not said I was TS to them yet.  But then again they have seen the blonde hair and earrings too for about a year.  So they know I'm wierd.

Oh yes I'm scared out of my mind too.  But it has to be done as I can't go back to who I was or rather go back and pretend to others that I'm somebody other then who I am.  Now that I'm out I just can't see ever going back.  For me it's totally impossible.

If there is any hope, it's through very open discussion on both parties part.

Good luck Girl

Beni

[TheBattler]

Hang in there Sis,



It does get complicated sometime- just work through those issues as best you can.


Alice

[Jillieann Rose]

Thank you for your response Beni and Alice.
To answer your questions Beni, yes.
We have been communicating, that is my wife, and I. I just don't share allot of my TS feeling because I can see the hurt in her eyes when I try but she does know that I feel like a woman inside. Thats seem to be okay as long as I don't dress.
We have went to a therapist, for over a year, my wife picked Him out, yes shes gone with me and by herself to sessions too. But he has not dealt with TG people before and treated it more as a metal sickness. There are not any TG specialist in this area. I would have to travel over 40 miles to find one.  I quit going to my therapist a few weeks ago. He did help me get allot of things straighten out but it didn't change my desire to be a woman.

Jillieann   

[Suzy]

All I can say is that I'm with you.  I really don't have any answers, and there aren't any easy ones.  But you WILL get through this!

With open arms,
Kristi