What is happiness worth?

[Jillieann Rose]

Nigella,
Sometimes my faith in Christ is the only thing that keeps me going. He accepts me for who i am and I really think He has a purpose fo me in all of this. But it is so hard at times; I don't know what people do that don't have faith. I wouldn't still be in this world if it wasn't for my faith.

Oh Fer you right:

Mix together self-love, love of others & the planet, an attitude of gratitude

I do have an attitude of gratitude and it is a good way to live.
I am very thankful for my life, people and the wonders in this universe even when I am down.

Jillieann

[TheBattler]

.
.
For me this has nothing to do with happiness it is simply my subconscious refusing to listen to my conscious any longer.

I prefer my body changes and my depression seems to not be as bad.  However I am not productive at this point in my life and all my energy is consumed in my conscious battling my subconscious.

I could give a page of irrational and self-destructive behaviors but you probably know them.  By having chatted here some rationality is starting to come back to me.  My current actions are not being done to make me happy but rather my lack of actions are destroying my life.

W

Wendy

I can so relate to what you have said. My consious thought says I am male but the reality underneath is probably something else. I have been fighting my sub-consious all along and when I loose that battle I just want to give in and transistion as it seams like the easiest path sometimes.

Alice

[Nigella]

hi Jullieann,

probably off topic and should be in spiritual section but thanks for your faith. I have struggles with mine and what some churches would say. Yes it is my faith that has stopped me from suicide many times. I know that God loves me and accepts me even if I don't accept myself.

hugs and kisses

Nigella

[debbiej]

I keep coming back to, "This is not just about me". Whatever I decide to do has repercussions far beyond my personal happiness, my contentment, my bliss.

This is NOT just about me. I live in community with others. I have commitments to my family, my work, my community. I have entered into covenants with others.

If I have to break those covenants because of this stuff, I'm telling you, it will tear me apart. If I don't transition, some of you are telling me, it will tear me apart.

Its a lose lose situation.

[Sandy]

If I have to break those covenants because of this stuff, I'm telling you, it will tear me apart. If I don't transition, some of you are telling me, it will tear me apart.

Its a lose lose situation.

Now you know why we cry.

Deb, there is no way that a change this profound, this basic, to the definition of who you are *cannot* hurt yourself or others somewhere along the line.

I really hope you can find peace and stability in all this.  Keep looking for the answers and share them with us as we have with you.

-Sandy

[Nigella]

debs,

for what its worth I am going through the same emotions and thoughts. I don't know where this will lead for me either. I agree with you, we have entered into covenants with our wives, children, family and work and I really love my wife and family.

I too can't see how it will be resolved at the moment. I long to tell my wife but all the advice on here to me was to wait for the counselling which starts in 8 weeks (god a life time). I think we are all on the same journey here and others may be further along the road than myself and perhaps you debs.

I have no easy answers for you debs, sorry, as I have none for myself. All I know is I can not live this lie any more and I am seeking professional help. What will follow can I cay God only knows.

Hugs and Kisses

Nigella

[Jillieann Rose]

It was a year and a half ago that I awoke to this nightmarish situation in my own life. I enjoyed my female side the world seemed some ow brighter. My 5 senses seem to have come alive again. My feelings, I could feel love, joy, peace and also I learned loneliness, pain, and depression
Within a couple of months before counseling I told my wife then my children. But what did I tell them? I told them that I believed I was TG and even though I was physically born a male. I was I believe a female inside. As far as changing they could see that I had removed my beard,and all body hair except the top of my head. That I had thinned my eyebrows and began wearing jewelry and nail polish. The first question that was ask was why such a fixation on your looks? What does it matter? It's what inside that counts right? You have always been a very gentle caring man. What is driving you to have to change your appearance?
They are also afraid of how I will affect my grandchildren. My youngest son still is carrying lots of anger against me for the hurt I caused him and his mom. We are talking again now and that is good.
I also have made commitments first I accept Christ as my Lord and Savior and pledge to follow him. I made marriage covenant with my wife. I committed myself to my children, grandchildren to willingly die fro them if I needed too. I also made commitments to the church, work and the community.  So what do I say now? That things have change so I am no longer obligated to these people that trust and depend on me?
How many lives should I hurt for my own happiness I ask?
Yes after more than a year of struggle, with counseling, I have realized that I am TS, I have a woman's mind/spirit in a mans body. So now what do I do?  My family will not accept what I am. I am still looking for the way through all of this. I will let you know what I find. But right know all I can see is pain ahead of me. Either personal or universal.
Sorry that this is really a downer posting, but it is where I live right now.

Jillieann

[Kate]

If I have to break those covenants because of this stuff, I'm telling you, it will tear me apart. If I don't transition, some of you are telling me, it will tear me apart.

Yep, unfortunately it does often come down to this. It's terrible. Probably the most painful inner struggle you'll ever go through. I think this is the one that sadly kills so many of us - some decide they can't bear making this choice.

I have an odd spiritual take on all this. People sometimes tell me, "God doesn't make mistakes," implying that I was born a man and should stay a man. But they don't know what I do: I'm NOT a man. They can't understand that, which is I can't blame them for. But think about it: God has handed you this... KNOWING, this TRUTH that you cannot prove, you cannot touch or taste or see or test for. YOU know it's real and true, but no one else does. And when you tell people about it, people sometimes ridicule you, and think you're nuts... because it just flies in the face of all physical evidence.

Sounds a bit like a test of faith, doesn't it?

I mean God made you this way, he MADE you a woman in a male body. YOU know it. But it's tempting to deny that truth for the sake of others, to give in to their disbelief and scorn. THEY, the critics, want you to be a man. But is it possible that God wants you to be a woman? That he's testing you to see if you'll believe HIS truth, not theirs? And not only believe it, but LIVE that truth, embody it?

Maybe, just maybe if you DID... things would take care of themselves. MAYBE, if that's your destiny, the demons and fears and worries will resolve themselves for the better, according to the power of fate... things unfolding as they were meant to after all.

It's just a thought

Kate

[Nigella]

Julieann

I am with you on what you say, your thoughts, feelings and despair. I keep looking up. I like your take on things Kate, but I believe God did not make me like this, my fallen human nature has. Jesus dies for that to which I am glad. He forgives and lays a road ahead of each of us to take hand in hand with his. He knows what we feel, he felt the despair and the rejection that often we have, although I have not come out yet so I have not experienced that yet and don't relish the thought of it.

Hugs and Kisses

Nigella

[Jillieann Rose]

Interesting thought Kate.
I will let it rattle around in my head for awhile.

Jillieann

[debbiej]

Kate, once again, I really appreciate your words. Yes I've thought about how God may be using this to some greater purpose. How do I respond? I'm afraid of what that means too. I don't believe that I can do it here. In this conservative part of the country it would take a huge influx of contributions to counter the loss of income for the place where I work. We'd lose board members, we'd lose support from many of our churches. Those groups, outside of our denomination would stop coming and using our facilities for they are even more conservative than our churches. In fact I bet I'd lose several staff members too. All because I want to wear a skirt to the office to affirm the woman in me. lol    Oh, by the way - someone mentioned earlier in this thread that I didn't mention the possibility of  losing my home. Actually, if I lose my work over this I also lose my house since our housing is part of the salary package. The stakes are pretty high for us.

Jillieann and Nigella and everyone else- Thank you for your comments. I'd be in deep deep despair if I didn't have folks like you to listen to me and to have you share your stories with me. I am not alone.

Thanks for the hugs- It's just what I needed

Debbie

[Jillieann Rose]

Thank you Debbiej for sharing and posting the question.
This has been helpful for me too.
Hugs,
Jillieann

[Nigella]

Debs,

You are helping me too. I thought I was alone in this hell.

hugs and kisses

Nigella

[Jillieann Rose]

Well I thought about Kate and he is my take.
I don't believe God makes mistakes. But He does give us challenges to make us stronger.  Are person needs obstacles to grow. And I look at my TS that way.  I have learn a few things in my 50 plus years of life and one is to never trust your feelings by them self. I will not be ruled by my feelings. So I am still looking for the right answer and I am sure as I trust in God that he will show me the way.

Jillieann